Celebrate Valentine’s Day by Naming an Animal After Your Ex and Having It Killed
"Let our 1,000-pound brown bears tear into your ex."
Photo of bear by Daniel Wise / Barcroft Images / Barcroft Media via Getty Images ; cockroach photo by Flickr user NH53
Valentine's Day is a time for many things—love, romance, buying stuff, bitter people without dates complaining about how Valentine's Day is just about buying stuff—and apparently, it's also a great opportunity to exact some sweet, sweet revenge on the fuckwad who broke your heart.
This year, a whole slew of zoos and wildlife centers are selling off the chance to name an animal after your ex, and then have an even bigger animal devour them. But what kinds of animals, you ask? Take your pick!
Was your ex sneaky and small? Were they nearly impossible to get rid of? Did they have an exoskeleton and thorax? Name a cockroach after them at the El Paso Zoo. Then, on Valentine's day, the zoo will livestream footage of its "meerkat mob" gobbling the roaches up, one by one.
They'll do it for free, so it's a good option if you're desperate for a way to vent for your overwhelming resentment and blinding rage, but aren't "shell out actual money on an insect" bitter.
If you're looking to subject your surrogate ex to a more majestic and brutal death, Oregon's Wildlife Images Rehabilitation and Education Center has you covered. If you donate $20, the non-profit will name a salmon after your old flame and feed it to a pair of "1,000-pound brown bears." You'll even get some graphic souvenir photos of the bears viciously tearing the flesh from the bones of your fish-lover, in case you want to frame them or mail them to the scumbag who cheated on you or whatever.
Worms and Beetles
For just $2, Richmond Wildlife Center will name a "mealworm, beetle, or waxworm after your worm of an ex" and then "feed your named insect to an animal in our care." This one's a lot cheaper than the bear, but it also leaves a lot more up to chance. You can't choose which kind of insect will bear your ex's name or what kind of animal will scarf it down, though the delightfully photoshopped image accompanying the post points towards some kind of rodent. If you want to drop $5, you can name a hornworm after your ex, though it's unclear why that's worth the extra cash.
"Your worthless ex can finally do something nice," the wildlife center wrote on Facebook. "Their namesake [is] helping us to feed the animals in our care." Lovely!
Maybe you're an animal lover who doesn't feel right paying for some poor, defenseless creature to be eaten alive, but you still want to stick it to your shithead ex-boyfriend. All good: Wildlife Sydney Zoo has you covered.
The Australian zoo is raffling off the chance to name its brown snake after an ex of your choice. All you have to do is donate $1 to the Wildlife Conservation Fund before February 14 for your chance to win.
"Is your ex a snake?" the zoo wrote about the competition on Instagram. "If so, now is your opportunity to cement their ‘snaky status.'"
Of course, you could also not devote your time and energy to purchasing some sort of living voodoo doll for a former flame. You could just find it within yourself to let go of that grudge, to release yourself from the pain you're clinging to, to come to peace with your failed relationship and how it ended and be grateful for the brief moment you shared with another soul.
Or, you know, fuck that. Name a fish after them and let a giant bear devour it. Whatever works.
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