iPhone cake via.
Do you ever feel sick to your stomach after eating three or four Birthday Club Pack boxes of Oreo cookies? Yeah, me too. All that trash you’re left with is enough to make you feel like a real enviro-jerk. But what if you could just eat the packaging too? Your guilt issue would be solved, right? Well, you may be in luck.
A ball in the hand is worth two in trash.
Two weeks ago, Co.Exist—the Fast Company spinoff purporting to offer “a daily tour of the latest world changing ideas and innovations in transportation, energy, education, food, and health”—debuted a versatile, edible material called WikiCells that may one day replace food packaging as we know it. Using electrostatic charges to transform a mixture of bagasse (a sugar byproduct), chitosan (derived from chitin, the main component of crustacean exoskeletons), and alginate (highly absorptive algae “gum”) into a consumable shell, WIkiCells can be peeled off the food they encompass and composted like an orange peel or even eaten outright. Its inventor, David Edwards, has already released an ice cream wrapped in a fudge membrane. Sounds a little underwhelming (don’t they already have those?), but according to Edwards,
Well, if you took the chocolate-covered ice cream into your hand, it would melt all over your hand. If you take the Wiki ice cream in your hand, the ice cream may melt inside the fudge. You can then stick a straw into it and drink it like a milkshake.
I, for one, can’t wait to polish off a family-size bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos before chowing down on the bag itself (though I’d bet dollars to pesos that Taco Bell’s already working on this for Fifth Meal). In the meantime, however, there are plenty of other incredible edibles to enjoy before the packaging around us begins simultaneously shrinking our landfills and expanding our waistlines. We begin with those perennial lewd-food favorites:
Of course, everyone and their grandmother has bitten off a string of Kandy Undies. We’ve all enjoyed a sultry squiggle or two of Kama Sutra Body Paint. And Happy Penis Massage Cream Penis Colada? Pff, what a cliché, am I right? I mean, these things have been given as gag gifts since the beginning of time. Perhaps that’s why literal anti-gag gifts are increasing in popularity. Specifically:
Yes, you guessed it: “Comfortably numb is a flavored desensitizing spray specially formulated to reduce the discomfort associated with oral sex.” And just as importantly, it’s “discreet enough to take with you wherever you go.” Because nothing spells “discreet” like putting “Deep Throat Spray” in bold lettering on your label. But what if—and stay with me here—what if something (and, for decorum’s sake, I shan’t get any more specific than that) goes terribly wrong during a less-than-comfortably numb session and you end up with…well, a mess on your hands? Never fear, you Linda Lovelaces-in-training, because there’s a nap for that:
Edible napkins: a truly greener cleaner.
Formerly manufactured by Swedish prank pros, Skämt Saker (“Joke Things,” literally translated), these delicious-looking lap guards seem to have fallen off the face of the earth (or at least the face of the table) in recent years, given my inability to find them anywhere other than random online novelty retailers featuring ’90’s era web design techniques. I don’t suppose the disclaimer included by the retailer linked to above will help increase sales any:
NOTICE: This vintage prank is being sold only as a novelty. It is an item that was used from an era when there were no safety standards for this type of merchandise. It can be dangerous to startle someone with a weak heart condition. It probably contains, or is, a choking hazard, and probably includes other features that are not suitable for children to play with. Misuse of this can really piss some people off. These type of gags have precipitated lawsuits. Buyer uses at their own risk.
So perhaps napkins weren’t the most promising medium for an edible product line. Or maybe they simply didn’t diversify enough. Whatever the case, they have now been relegated to the role of spiritual predecessor for our next company, the:
h2. Nvyro Edible Plate Company
Nyvryo (pronounced "enviro") carries an extensive line of edible plates, bowls, and cutlery made from a thermally compressed combination of cassava (tapioca) root and other less-than-appetizing-but-apparently-still-“edible” ingredients, including plasticizers, emulsifier, calcium carbonate, and agar. Though not what you’d call long-lasting, each product is capable of holding water for up to 75 minutes and liquid oil for several hours before the disintegration process begins.
“Well, that’s all well and fine, Trevor,” you rudely interrupt. “But if you haven’t noticed, this ‘enviro-ware’ is pretty damn austere. Don’t you have anything in a plum or, I dunno, an electric yellow that might help spice up my summer barbeques?” To which I gracefully reply, “Hell yeah, ya rude bitch!” Introducing:
A refreshing result of the second annual Jell-O Mold Competition in Brooklyn, NY, LOLIWARE is made entirely of vegan, biodegradable ingredients that can be consumed while you drink. Currently available in five, let’s say, less-than-conventional flavors (sour lemon, salty lime, bitter bitters, sweet vanilla, and spicy pepper), these gelatinous gems are sure to keep you from flying Solo (cup) ever again—if you can afford ‘em, that is. For $4 a cup, you’re probably not going to want to store your urine sample in one—even if it is already yellow.
Speaking of urine (and when are we not?), have you ever looked at your cat’s empty litter box and thought, “Damn, that would sure hit the spot right about now!” If so, this next innovation should have you clawing the drapes in excitement:
World’s Best Cat Litter
Yes, “world’s best” is a lofty claim, but fast-forward to 0:27 in the video below, and I think you’ll agree: this litter lady deserves two cobs up.
Pass the World’s Best Cat Litter, mom!
Of course, no discussion of edible anarchy would be complete without a brief nod to the patron saint of full-flavored fashion, Lady Gaga, who shocked and/or bored the world two years ago with her delicious debut in:
Love it or hate it, one thing’s for certain: with Lady Gaga at your gala, That’s a spicy-ah meat ball! [Pause for laughter. Then run for cover.]