A Sincere Apology To Hal Robson-Kanu: The Euro 2016 Weekend Review
With a weekend’s worth of action to talk about, here’s our take on Dimitri Payet’s screamer, Joachim Löw’s trouser incident and the prospect of a mid-tournament Brexit.
This article originally appeared on VICE Sports UK.After weeks and months of excitement and anticipation, Euro 2016 is finally underway. The opening weekend has featured some excellent games, several superb individual showings and lots of footage of fans senselessly beating each other over the head with plastic chairs.If there have already been some glorious moments on the pitch, events elsewhere have been significantly less edifying. Here's our first Euro 2016 review, then, with in-depth analysis of everything from Joachim Löw's trouser incident to the worrying prospect of a mid-tournament Brexit.
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OLIVIER GIROUD IS LE NOUVEAU ROI
France's saviours? // EPA Images/Yoan Valat
Though France's opening win against Romania was anything but convincing, there were a couple of standout performances to give the host nation hope. For a man who takes an absolute drubbing from the fans at times, Olivier Giroud was at his boisterous best for Les Bleus, scoring an improvised header early on in the second half while serving as a provider, pivot and physical shield throughout.Having been booed during several of France's warm up games, it would be a beautiful irony if Giroud turned out to be the new Michel Platini in the next few weeks. We want to see him score a record 10 goals over the course of the tournament, all of them toe pokes and slightly mistimed headers. We want to see him single-handedly carry France to the final, defeating Germany in the semis with a goal that goes in off his left arse cheek.If Platini was Le Roi – an emblem of France's elan, flair and panache – then we want Olivier Giroud to be named as his heir and successor. He might not have the zest and brio of the archetypal French superstar but, mon dieu, he wants to win for his country. He might not have the pace to outrun Glenn Whelan but, pour l'amour du Christ, he's a true patriot.On a more serious note, Dimitri Payet might have legitimate claim to the title of Le Roi after this screamer:
England could have done with Vardy's pace on Saturday night // PA Images
We knew that Roy Hodgson's fundamental conservatism would balls things up for England. We literally called it, lads. Not only did the Hodge persist in arbitrarily picking Wayne Rooney for England's opener against Russia, he also decided to field a bizarre, ill-suited 4-3-3 with Raheem Sterling and Adam Lallana playing as sort-of-not-quite-wingers either side of a predictably stranded Harry Kane. When it became apparent that this had left the team looking painfully narrow and one-paced, many fans assumed that Hodgson would look to the blistering speed of Jamie Vardy.Instead he waited. And waited. Then he brought on James Milner, and England conceded a 92nd-minute goal.England's performance wasn't all bad, in fairness. They were defensively solid, the younger players showed flashes of promise, and Eric Dier's free kick was a rare treat.
Unfortunately, it's hard to shake the feeling that – as long as Hodgson goes with the safety-first approach – England are doomed to underachieve at the tournament. If a limited Russia team can exploit their pedestrian set-up, imagine what might happen if they come up against Spain or Germany in the knockout rounds.
CAN'T WE JUST ALL GET ALONG?
Since the night before the opening game of the tournament, things have been getting nasty on the streets of the host cities. We've seen England fans misbehaving in Marseille, local gangs attacking bystanders and organised, co-ordinated violence from Russian hooligans who – despite all the bluster about tournament security – were allowed to cause chaos inside and outside the Stade Vélodrome on Saturday evening.
We think it's fair to say that Russia 2018 is going to be fucking horrible // PA Images
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There have also been clashes between German and Ukrainian supporters, while fighting broke out between travelling fans and local ultras in Nice on Sunday. It's been a pretty depressing opening to the competition, all told.This certainly isn't the first time we've seen public disorder at the Euros, but we can't remember a tournament where the violence was so widespread, and so early on. God knows what will happen if the United Kingdom votes for a mid-tournament Brexit, but we have a strong suspicion that we could be at war with France by the time the final comes around on 10 July.
A SINCERE APOLOGY TO HAL ROBSON-KANU
Late last week, we published an article in which we took a sly dig at Hal Robson-Kanu. We would now like to offer a sincere apology, on account of his goal against Slovakia being absolutely lush.
While England struggled against Russia and Northern Ireland slumped to a 1-0 defeat to Poland, Wales kept home nation hopes alive with their 2-1 win over Slovakia. The team were well organised, tenacious and occasionally ingenious, but the game was decided by a single moment of shinned, scuffed brilliance.
Meanwhile, Wales fans appear to have celebrated their success without fly kicking anyone in the head, whacking rival fans with nunchucks or firing off potentially lethal flare guns. Considering the mood amongst their Group B rivals, we think that congratulations are in order.
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PLEASE NO, JOACHIM LÖW
Joachim Löw's polo neck conceals a dark secret // EPA Images/Etienne Laurent
Before Germany's game against Ukraine on Sunday evening, we thought that Joachim Löw was a suave gentleman. He seems like the sort of bloke who wears polo neck pyjamas to bed, has a seven-step moisturising routine and can identify any given bottle of Beaujolais by region merely by tasting it. He has the air of a man who has accidentally wandered away from Milan Fashion Week and ended up in the manager's dugout, but who's so totally aloof that he's just gone with it and, accordingly, won the World Cup.He's a meterosexual deity, an archetypal modern man. However, like all modern men, he has a dark and terrible secret.Secretly, deep down, he harbours a fundamental barbarousness of the soul. He can wear as many silk scarves as he likes, but he will never escape the need to do horrible things to his willy.
Yeah so Joachim Low touched his bellend and smelt it during a game. Who hasn't done that pic.twitter.com/XXUgc3Ubn9
— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) June 12, 2016
That said, you'd think that the presence of hundreds of live cameras might deter someone from launching a full-on trouser expedition in public. This is the sort of thing your hungover roommate does after seven consecutive hours watching The Chase, for Christ's sake. This is the kind of behaviour you expect from your 13-year-old brother, three days into his pledge never to shower again unless mum gives him back the Xbox controllers. These are the antics of the old bloke everyone tries to ignore down the laundrette, even though he's slowly edging towards the basket with your socks in it.
In these precious few seconds of footage, Löw has drawn back the curtains of civilisation. Behind them, there are horrors we must not speak of. Behind them, there are things we cannot unsee.@W_F_Magee
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