Before we get into this, let's take a moment to recount some good things that Corey Feldman has done: The Goonies, Lost Boys, voicing the puppy years of Copper from Fox and the Hound, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Two Coreys, Stand By Me, dancing on ice to the song "Stand By Me" which was the official soundtrack to Stand By Me, this interview about animal rights with John Joseph of Cro Mags which is somehow a thing that happened, and lots of other iconic moments in pop culture that will outlive all your greatest accomplishments by at least one lifetime. More recently, Corey Feldman appeared on the Today Show and delivered what can only be described as an interdisciplinary arts piece that will be remembered for, well, all sorts of reasons.
Corey and his "angels" (his group is called Corey's Angels – more on that later) performed a song called "Go 4 It" from their new album Angelic 2 the Core. Almost every news outlet that reported it used some variation on the word "insane", with Rolling Stone claiming Feldman "danced like a madman" and Spin reporting that he "lost his damn mind", fuelling a backlash that has left him "too petrified" to leave the house. So what's all the fuss about? What could possibly have happened that left a grown man bedridden due to cyber bullying? Let us join hands and experience it together again, or for the first time:
Obviously there is a lot going on here, which I will attempt to summarise for you now:
Man whose only brush with professional dance training involved four weeks on ice in 2012 invents at least 57 new moves in an impassioned performance of a song that sounds like literally everything that charted in 2007.
Does that sound about right so far? Ok great, let's continue.
Flanked by four women dressed in Halloween costumes from Ann Summers, Corey Feldman - who is rocking a look I'm going to call "urban death" – basically does what the song says. He goes for it. Nobody has ever gone for something harder than Corey Feldman has gone for "it" during this moment. In the first five seconds, he gracefully delivers what can only be described as a 'pas de bourree into the dab', which is a dance move combination so innovative only a true visionary would consider putting them together. He then proceeds to remove his hood, thereby better exposing the notorious "strand", before executing the greatest floorpunch in the history of time. It is, frankly, a spiritual journey from start to finish. Spin described it as "Tommy Wiseau filming a part for Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping", which I completely agree with but only in context of an argument for its brilliance.
Yes, the set-up looks like Robert Palmer's "Addicted To Love" through the lens of Cradle of Filth. Sure, the dancing reminds me of what I look like when I'm steaming beyond rescue and think I'm perfectly recreating the choreography from Michael Jackson's "Beat It". Perhaps the "Corey's Angels" concept – which he created "as a way to help girls who are kind of lost and needed to find their way to get their opportunities and make their dreams realities" – is a bit creepy, who knows? But as far as I can tell the only major difference between Corey Feldman and, say, Riff Raff, is that he does everything with a degree of sincerity that has been banished from the music industry for many years.
Who are we to crush someone for tapping into a self-belief so pure and rare that it enables him to pull off an audition for a yet-to-be-written sequel of The Crow where Eric Draven is an EDM DJ on live television? Would you stop someone running around the house pretending to be Batman, and clearly experiencing high levels of joy, just because their costume is made out of bin bags? If a kid drew you a picture of what looks like two tomatoes but is supposedly "a portrait of you holding hands", would you squat down to their level – your face so close that their little baby hairs quiver from the force of your breath – look them dead in the eyes, and very slowly tear the picture in half while they watch. Would you say "This is god awful, you are nothing," and let the scraps drift lifelessly to the floor? Because that's what you did to Corey Feldman. You broke him. You crushed his spirit and now he is sad.
It's easy to forget, when he is dancing like a Thunderbird being operated by a puppet master made of pudding, that Corey Feldman has gone through some serious shit. Regardless of the contents of his album (which also, by the way, features Fred Durst and Snoop Dogg), or his slightly uncomfortable Hugh Hefner-reminiscent relationship with women, or the fact that nobody has ever looked so earnest while singing about hitting the club, I think, probably, we should all just let Corey Feldman live. In 2016, a year where Meghan Trainor – who has literally won a Grammy for entertaining – can go on Graham Norton and manoeuvre through her latest single like a list of unpleasant chores, it feels a little defeatist to hurl a torrent of shit at someone operating so far outside the box of reality they make Picasso look basic. Were you or were you not thoroughly amused for the full 5 minutes and 30 seconds Corey Feldman was on the Today Show? Is that not a gift in this world of endless dross? Also, do you have any idea how much bad karma you will invite into your world for making a former cartoon puppy cry?
Full disclosure: VICE attended Corey Feldman's birthday party in 2013 and then he got mad at us for making his birthday party look depressing and then vowed never to throw a party again. Let his music career not suffer the same fate. Power to you Corey Feldman, keep going 4 it!
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