We Live in a Dishonest Generation

Let’s be honest. We live in a dishonest generation. Politicians are lying to us, half the world has plastic surgery, and no one really knows what’s genuinely cool and what’s just ironically cool. In a time when so much of the world seems false, we have to ask: What can we do to fix this and bring back the real?

Honesty is something that is so important to the guys at Tullamore D.E.W. that they came to us and asked if we would help promote their new “Death to Dishonesty, Long Live the Irish True” campaign. The internet is drowning in irrelevant ads that you, us, and Tullamore, couldn’t care less about. They’d rather share an original story, so they’re calling for examples of fakery and insincerity that you would like to see removed from everyday life, to make room for the more true things. Check out www.tullamoredew.com/deathtodishonesty for more info, and to get involved in the movement.

You don’t have to have the Book of Kells as your desktop background to be Irish True, though, so for now, let’s take some of that wit and candor that Irish people are famous for and crack some of society’s most dishonest problems.

STUCK-UP BARS

Things that we go to bars for: alcohol, a place to sit, and some kind of atmosphere. Things that we don’t go to bars for: molecular mixology, urinals that look like Zen garden water features, “meeting other bloggers,” catty bartenders with tattoo sleeves, hors d'oeuvres on square plates—you get the idea. When you can’t hear your friends’ voices over the sounds of ambient lounge music or find their faces in the oppressive glare of LED light fixtures then it’s time to stop choosing where you go out by entering “cool bars New York” into Google.

GETTING TO THE TRUTH

Bars should have character, and that character shouldn’t come from the interior décor. It should come from the memories you made there with friends and the 90-year-old man with a flat cap who always sits in the exact same spot.

AUTO-TUNE/LIP-SYNCHING/OVERLY PRODUCED MUSIC

Why don’t we just get rid of humans all together and let robots make all the music? Fans can gather beneath the warm glow of a laptop screen on stage as they watch “Uplifting Rock 2.7 Edition” slowly move faders back and forth while adding samples to the play order. No doubt there’s some great electronic music out there—but there’s also some awful stuff that has only been allowed to reach us because of electronic production. This is essentially lying to our ears. Shame on you, music industry.

GETTING TO THE TRUTH

Why not have your pal’s band play a show at yours? Sure, your crusty New York apartment might only fit seven people and your neighbors will hate you, but it beats watching a guy push buttons to a horde of 3,000 neon-clad 20-somethings who won’t shut up about the “sick light show.”

ONLINE INTERACTION

Remember how exciting it used to be when you bumped into a friend randomly? It used to be all like “Hey Becky!? How are you? You look great!” Soon we’ll be at the stage where you’ll see Becky’s blue GPS dot on your phone and won’t need to bother walking 60-feet toward her because you’ll just insta-thought her a screenshot of your mind. Make no mistake, the machines are winning.

And let’s be honest: how many times have you had to explain to someone you just annoyed on instant messenger that “no, no, I was saying that in a jokey way, you didn’t understand my tone.” OR HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOUNDING ANGRY UNINTENTIONALLY BECAUSE THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON WAS ON? ARGH, HOW MANY?! You see, we’re writers. We know how to convey tone and meaning in our textual repartees. But you guys don’t!

GETTING TO THE TRUTH

From this point onward, we’re initiating a real-life movement and you’re invited. When we meet a cute girl, we’re going to ask for her address and go throw pebbles at her window until she comes out. The telegraph will replace the text message, and people will finally stop calling us hipsters just for waxing our moustaches.

METROSEXUAL FADS

For as long as we can remember, the art of seducing women has consisted of the ability to be yourself, confidently, while wearing enough deodorant to still smell of “man.” But nowadays we keep seeing guys using lotion on their skin, manscara on their eyes, wax on their chest, and concealer on their spots. This is basically just real-life Photoshopping of your own body, which makes it one of the most dishonest things you can do.

In the 1920s, smoking cigarettes was an exclusively masculine pastime, and the only women you’d find doing it were soot-covered crones with voices that sounded like machinery accidents. Then, all of a sudden, smoking was advertised as sexy for chicks. Now, the same trick is being pulled on us. Alpha Nail is a company that designs “nail armor for men, worn by warriors.”

GETTING TO THE TRUTH

We don’t know if “nail armor” is going to turn into a fad or if it’s some obscure psychology experiment about the power of advertising, but we aren’t falling for it. Men, be true to yourselves!

FAKE FRIENDS

Did you know you can buy friends? Seriously. There are websites that allow you to purchase actual human friendships on social networking sites. Only our culture of ironic Facebook marriages, “friendship bracelets,” and the word “BFFL” could birth such depraved friendstitution—real friendship shouldn’t require some kind of official validation. It’s not like dating, where there’s a steady progression from a hook-up to a kind-of-a-thing to a why-didn’t-you-respond-to-my-text-kind-of-a-thing to a relationship.

GETTING TO THE TRUTH

If you’ve ever been lucky enough to have a really solid group of friends, you’ll know what we mean when we talk about the “repart-apex.” It’s that point in a friendship when you can’t prevent your conversations from ascending into an incomprehensible joust of wit/in-jokes. Aim for the apex, guys!

That’s our list—now let’s hear yours. Tullamore D.E.W. has launched their "Death to Dishonesty—Long Live the Irish True" campaign to "seek out the real and ignore the babble." Help them make room for the Irish True values of realness, friendship, wit, and a bit of rebellion by heading over to http://www.tullamoredew.com/deathtodishonesty.

Enter your suggestions of dishonest and fake behavior society could do without in the Furnace of Resurrection app, and be in with the chance to see your submission symbolically burned in a real-life furnace. Oh, and you can win a trip to Ireland, which would be pretty great.

Visit www.tullamoredew.com/deathtodishonesty to contribute to the Furnace of Resurrection and glasses up to responsible drinking.