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This Poor Guy Got His Penis Bitten by a Snake

Man, can you imagine? Literally.
​ Not this snake, but still. A snake. Picture by: Phil Noble / PA Archive/Press Association Images.

Read: America Has Successfully Sewn a Dead Guy's Penis onto a Living Man

I've never been bitten on the cock by a python before in my life, and to be honest with you, I really can't imagine anything worse. Actually no, I can: being bitten on the cock by a python while I'm trying to take a shit. Sitting on the toilet, the only true safe space in the world, where you can perform your vulnerable human functions without a care in the world. The thought of a snake weaving its way through your cistern, covering itself in pissy water, only to hide in the underside of the bowl to launch an attack on your penile apparatus is a horror I can scarcely begin to comprehend.

One man forced to comprehend this god-awful scenario was Attaporn Boonmakchuay, who had a ten-foot python chomp down on his member in a squat toilet in Thailand. He reportedly lost a lot of blood in the ordeal, but is recovering well in hospital. "I felt as though my penis had been severed. The snake was yanking very hard," he told the Bangkok Post. He plans to replace his squat toilet with a proper one made of porcelain or something.

But as anyone into meme photos back in the day might be familiar with, snakes like hiding in bogs. A quick Google image search of 'snakes hiding in toilets' returns galleries worth of heartbreakingly horrible images of reptiles in bog bowls. I think it's safe to say that getting my dick gnawed off by a rapid serpent while a dropping a dookie may be the most terrible thing that could ever happen to a person. My sympathies are with Mr. Attaporn, who will have to live with this fear until his dying breath.