This is How Gritty a Breaking Bad Writer Will Make CBC's Anne of Green Gables Reboot

The CBC, struggling in this era of Netflix and Peak TV, just announced a reboot of that beloved Canadian icon, Anne of Green Gables. Promising a more realistic, gritty as PEI's red dirt vision, the project is being helmed by formerBreaking Badwriter Moira Walley-Beckett. I for one couldn't be more excited. I always thought that the story of a naive outcast navigating the grimy surroundings of turn-of-the-century PEI desered a darker, hipper portrayal. Conservely, I always thought Breaking Bad could have used a couple more subplots about potato smuggling and blacking out on raspberry cordial.

Luckily, VICE was able to get a copy of the first couple of scripts, and I gotta say, they do not disappoint. Think Jessica Jones meets The Knickwith a dash of The Beachcombers, the first six episodes boldly bring a cherished Canadian heroine into the sexy and gritty 21st century.

The series opens in New London, Nova Scotia, 1898. Two nameless young thieves meet and fall in love. A montage, set to Johnny Cash's 'Ain't no Grave', shows the couple becoming the Bonnie and Clyde of the Maritimes, terrorizing local towns such as Tatamoughe, Quispamsis, and Shubenacadie. Soon she is pregnant and the couple try to put their criminal ways behind them but still find themselves on the run. Unfortunately, as she enters labour, the authorities find their hiding place in an abandoned, gritty factory. A glorious, gory firefight ensues (also set to a Johnny Cash song), and in the end, one police officer remains as the child is born. The police officer holds the baby girl as her mother fatally gasps, "Avenge me, my little girl. Avenge me… Anne." End. Boom. Anne isn't even the first episode! Isn't that sick?

Anne is now 11 years old and resides in the New London Orphanage for Forgotten Youths. This orphanage ain't no made for 20th century TV orphanage. Instead, it's a gritty as hell orphanage, run by these spooky-cruel nuns who've set up a kid fighting league! Anne, of course, is the toughest orphan. So the nuns hate her and keep her in solitary confinement. The other kids call her La Rouge. But Anne just keeps training, like doing one-armed pushups and stuff. The episode ends as the nuns try to take out Anne with four of the other toughest kids. Anne rocks them all and walks slowly towards the camera, giving zero shits and all the chills. Man, I really hope the CBC doesn't PG these kid fight scenes. They could be like Daredevil's fight scenes but with grade schoolers!

We finally meet Marilla and Matthew Cuthburt. In this version the Cuthburts aren't siblings, and they aren't farmers. They are young, married, hot as fuck, and they're bootleggers! (Turns out PEI had Prohibition from 1901 to 1948.) Isn't that way better? Instead of old farmers, this show has young bootleggers. The opening shot is them banging in one of their stills!

Needing help in their illegal distillery, the Cuthburts look to adopt the toughest kid from the orphanage. Man, are they surprised when that turns out to be a girl. Anne soon proves her worth when rival prohibitionists come around while Matthew is out of town. Anne kills the one of the intruders with a homemade bow and arrow and slowly chokes another to death with her pigtails. The scene goes on so long, you feel very uncomfortable as a viewer. But you can't look away, and that puts the thrill of violence on you! It's gritty, thoughtful stuff, just like real cable TV! Don't know if this is going to be in 3D, but I think it'd be awesome if one of the arrows comes right at the screen and then looks like it's going to hit you. After that wildness, Marilla asks Anne to stay.

Sweet. Matthew Cuthburt was in the Boer War. This episode is filled with war flashbacks that will probably be awesome. (They should get Paul Gross to guest direct this episode. Hyena Road was crazy, y'all!)

To deal with these memories in the present day, Matthew becomes an opium addict. Cue trippy guitar solos, twitchy editing, and a fisheye lens when Matthew starts having drug freak-outs. There's one where Matthew imagines the floating head of Alexander Mackenzie mocking him. Very Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Eventually though, Anne helps him kick the stuff with lots of slapping and buckets of water. Anne looks at a crying Matthew and the pool of water on the ground and sees her reflection. It's not La Rouge anymore, but that of a precocious 11-year-old girl. She has been reborn!

Whoever plays Matthew will probably get a Canadian Emmy for this one. He's supes addicted to opium, like lying to his wife and stuff. He even has a second carrier pigeon. Really, really gritty.

Anne and her new friend Diana Barry go out hiking in the woods but get lost when Anne brings booze from the distillery instead of water. Hahaha. Then wolves show up and freaking eat Diana. Wolf attack, man, oh yeah. Awesome. I hope they get some real wolves for it though, I hate CGI wolves. I think they look so fake. The episode ends with an excruciatingly slow zoom-in on Anne's grimacing, blood-spattered face. La Rouge is back!

Season finale. Anne is slowly losing it because of the loss of Diana. Getting in fights, drinking stolen booze. Partying hard. Since she's so weird, all the other kids start making fun of her, mainly about her red hair. It's pretty mean stuff. Especially Gareth (a rebooted Gilbert) Blythe, he starts calling her "Carrots." Man, this episode was hard to get through. It makes you feel the pain of being excluded just because you look different. Just really real stuff.

Eventually, Anne has enough. In class, Gareth calls her "Carrots," and Anne flips out and beats him to death with her classroom slate. She kills the one who she was supposed to fall in love with! What? Twist alert, man.

Anne flees home and the Cuthburts tearfully tell her she only has a few days to get out of town before the local constabulary rides in from the town over to get her. Anne dyes her hair black and then shaves it so as not to be recognized and avoids capture from the cops. Hard cut, time stamp—Six Years Later. Woah, flash forward! Just like the good shit on cable! We find a buzz-cut Anne on the mean streets of Halifax, clearly well on her way to becoming the ruthless crime lord/avenging angel she was always destined to be. Another timestamp comes up. December 6, 1917, 7 AM.

Wait, that's two hours before the Halifax Explosion…..my god!

Hard cut to black. Credits. WHAT A CLIFFHANGER.

That's it. Fingers crossed that the CBC doesn't wuss out and make this some Heartland baloney. I think Canada is ready for this bold, sexy version of Anne of Green Gables. I know I am!

Follow Jordan Foisey on Twitter and catch him on tour at these stops:

January 22 - Peterborough @The Garnet
January 25 - Sault Ste. Marie @ Coch's Corner
January 26 - Hamilton @ Mills Hardware
January 27 - Ottawa @ Pressed
January 28 - Waterloo @ The Princess Cafe
January 29 - Guelph @ The Cornerstone
January 30 - Toronto @ Comedy Bar