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There Are a Lot of Better Names for a Princess Than 'Charlotte Elizabeth Diana'

The royal family named their new princess after the queen, the late Princess Diana, and the most boring "Sex and the City" character.

by Mitchell Sunderland
May 4 2015, 5:17pm

The Royal Family. Image via Wikipedia

Ordinarily the announcement that a baby is getting a name is not given the BREAKING NEWS treatment by the BBC, but it's not every day that an honest-to-God, bona fide princess is named. Yes, after a frenzy of speculation and people actually betting on this, Prince William and Kate Middleton have picked out a name for the tiny person they created: "Charlotte Elizabeth Diana."

This is, apparently, a nod to Royal Family history or whatever—but from an American perspective, "Charlotte" is the most boring Sex and the City character, "Elizabeth" is unoriginal, and "Diana" is so, so 90s. "So you could do better?" I hear you asking. Yes, I could:

1. Princess Lottie Eve Aitken
See, I spent two seconds on the Princess Name Generator website and already I've got something spunkier and more exciting than "Charlotte Elizabeth Diana." According to the site, this is a name for "a very short princess indeed, but she is very beautiful."

2. Princess Georgina Malkmus Hayward
If you're going to remember the 90s, at least remember the slacker-rock-floppy-hair part of the decade rather than the soft-focus- Vanity-Fair bit. Or go "full 90s" and christen the child Diana Malkmus Clinton Pete and Pete Pluto Was a Planet.

3. Louisa Thyra Victoria Stevedore Kingsbridge Turnpike
This would be a princess who could parachute out of a plane and still have incredible hair. She'd be rumored to be the next Bond girl at one point, but Thyra would publicly turn the role down in a way that would make everyone happy.

Related: Watch our documentary on the Royal Wedding

4. Princess Brigitte Margaret Adamantium Carter
Real classy. Rolls right off the tongue, but also projects an aura of strength. It makes you think of Jay-Z and Wolverine, but in a feminine way.

5. Princess Jasmine Rapunzel Belle the Little Mermaid Mulan
A princess for the BuzzFeed generation.

6. Princess Grace Jacqueline Francis Bathildis Lennon
Simple, elegant, to the point. Bathildis Lennon is a princess who exudes class without being classist. Bathildis Lennon can be trusted to look after your children and teach them French words for things.

7. Princess Biscuit Football Lager
The Royal Family can feel, well, a little aristocratic. How are they going to appeal to the common man in the 21st century? More appearances at ribbon cuttings? Vlogging? Not dressing up as Nazis? How about a name that tells working-class British people, "We understand what you like. We're with you. This is your princess, a princess who isn't afraid to eat a doner kebab in public."

8. Princess Peggy Olsen Daenerys Margaret Sanger
Can you say "feminist icon"? Tumblr would be all over this.

9. Princess Esther Numbers Romans Epistle Deuteronomy 5:16
According to OK! magazine, "quirky biblical names" are on the rise, so little Epistle should fit right in at whatever exclusive rich-people school she attends.

10. Princess Samantha
Or go another way and name your kid after the most entertaining Sex and the City character if you're going to go down that route. Also, people with one name are always successful. Look at Prince, or Madonna. Or the Rock.

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