We Predict Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's Wedding Guest List

Image courtesy of Flickr user Alexis

This weekend, Kim Kardashian will marry Kanye West at the most important wedding ceremony since Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn's nuptials in 1533. Someone leaked the invitation to the spectacular event, and predictably the invitation reflects Kardashian and West’s neo-minimalist tastes, which means it looks like Kris Jenner’s interns printed the invites on a Restoration Hardware sofa swatch.

Who received these coveted invitations? Kardashian’s last wedding to Kris Humphries, Frankenstein’s less expressive nephew, was a balls-to-the-wall blowout welcoming hundreds of guests who allegedly brought Kardashian millions of dollars in profit, but things are different now. In true minimalist style, Kimye supposedly only invited 100 guests. Who scored one of the coveted spots? We examine the odds.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Kai Brinker

Originally, Beyonce and Jay-Z, our nation’s president and her husband, weren’t going to attend the wedding because they feared they would have to appear on a Keeping Up with the Kardashians wedding special. (Beyonce also obviously hates Kardashian. How can a woman who emits sonic rainbows every time she farts tolerate the walking embodiment of vocal fry?) But Kardashian recently tweeted that the wedding will not be filmed for the show, probably as a concession to the royal couple, so odds are that Bey and Jay will begrudgingly attend, rolling their eyes when West drives down the aisle in KITT from Knight Rider, and that they will flee the reception on their private jet as soon as the DJ plays “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It).”

Odds: 1 in 2

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Jaguar MENA

Lana Del Ray famously turned down the opportunity to sing “Young and Beautiful” at West's over-the-top proposal ceremony, because when you think about Lana Del Ray, the first thing you think is principles. But she performed at the pre-wedding party last night, and rumors suggest America's foremost swaying human muscle relaxant will also perform the song at the wedding of the century because West probably threw her a mountain of cash. It remains unclear if anyone involved in the wedding has listened to the song's lyrics. What better way to kick off a marriage than with a tune about the anxiety of aging that was written for a movie about the dangers of materialism and the hollow core of awesome parties? Actually, never mind.

Odds: Basically confirmed

Photo courtesy of La Cosa Rosa

Lindsay Lohan attended Kardashian's last wedding. Wearing Pippa Middleton's bridesmaid dress, she looked like John Catsimatidis's Republican daughter. How Lohan and Kardashian are friends remains unclear. Either they know each other through Paris Hilton or Kris Jenner served as Dina Lohan’s sponsor at an Awful Momagers Support Group. Kardashian has probably wised up since her second trip to the altar, realizing that inviting Lohan to your wedding is equivalent to asking the witch from Drag Me to Hell to be one of your bridesmaids. Of course, if there’s anyone on earth who is going to crash this wedding, it’s either Lohan or Anna Nicole Smith’s cousin Shelly.

Odds: 1 in 30—unless she brings Oprah

Photo courtesy of Opening Ceremony

For years, West has developed male friendships that Wendy Williams would stamp with an allegedly. Although Ye is best known for his questionable relationship with designer Riccardo Tisci, he has had several other questionable sidekicks. A few years ago, West plucked the unfortunately named 19-year-old Cassius Clay out of Yale to become his “personal stylist.” It’s unclear how Clay’s role functioned in West's entourage. (Maybe he picked out studded leather gloves for West or helped him reenact his favorite passages of The Secret History.) Now that Ye belongs to the same family as Scott Disick, he receives advice on dressing like a foppish, entitled Little Lord Fauntleroy for free, but perhaps he will invite Clay to his wedding for nostalgia.

Odds: 1 in 100

Photo courtesy of Flickr user TRF_Mr_Hyde

Before Kardashian was a girl with a sex tape and a giant ass, she was the daughter of Robert Kardashian, OJ Simpson’s best friend and defense attorney. Simpson was a beloved Kardashian family friend, even starring in this amazing video Kris Jenner made for her birthday. Some people believe Simpson is Khloe Kardashian’s real father, which makes a lot of sense since Khloe is white and a natural blonde. If this longshot is true, Simpson technically belongs to the Kardashian family and should eat lobsters and shrimp and watch Lana Del Ray warble karaoke at the wedding. Unfortunately, Simpson languishes in prison, and unless he gets pardoned (I’m looking at you, Obama), he won’t be able to attend.

Odds: 1 in a million

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

West gave Kardashian a cat named Mercy as a gift at the start of his courtship, since everyone knows there is no gift more considerate than a living, breathing organism that you need to constantly care for to prevent it from dying. (A kitten is basically an orchid that poops and needs to be fed gross bits of meat, but Mercy's white fur matched the monochrome phase Ye was going through at the time.) Kardashian tried to care for Mercy, doing normal pet-owner things like taking Mercy on a boat. Eventually, Kardashian realized she was allergic to poor Mercy and gave the cat to her assistant—then Mercy promptly died. I don't know what happened to Mercy after her death (taxidermy?), but I hope Mercy's spirit will haunt the wedding and take a shit in the punch bowl.

Odds: 1 in 666

I hope these predictions will help you when you go see your bookie today. Either way, whatever you make off my predictions won’t be more than Kardashian and West rake in with a Faberge gift registry.

Follow Emalie Marthe on Twitter.