You might notice we didn’t go anywhere in Williamsburg or Greenpoint. Being so close to the Vice offices while drunk made us nervous. RED HOOK Sunny’s | 253 Conover St.
J: What’s this one called? Jerry’s?
S: Sunny’s.
J: Is this definitely it? I don’t feel like this is the place. Who are these people?
S: This is it. Didn’t you see the sign out front?
J: No. So this is Sunny’s?
S: Yeah. Says here it’s open Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday… and Saturday.
J: There’s like a folky jam session happening out the back! There’s a piano!
S: Yeah, you just show up with your instrument and jump in, I guess.
J: How would you describe the decor?
S: Same as every other dive bar I’ve been to—fairy lights and rising damp.
J: They’ve got a nice collection of concrete celebrities over the bar. You normally only see one or two at the most, but this place has got, like, 15! Marilyn, Groucho, Harpo, Zeppo, Cocko, Fucko, they’re all here displayed proudly above the bar.
S: Cheap drinks too. And a little backyard!
J: Very nice. I’ll have a beer. GOWANUS Canal Bar | 270 3rd Ave.
J: This is nice. They have a pool table… Jesus! They’ve got a hammerhead shark with…
S: A flame job!
J: They painted flames on a dead shark!
S: Weird.
J: Big backyard, bartender’s a nice dude.
S: Yeah, he’s cool.
J: What do you think of the bar?
S: Great. It’s got a pretty good jukebox and a pool table…
J: You’re happy as Larry, right? All you ever seemed concerned with is whether they have a pool table.
S: If there was a bowling alley out the back I’d be happy.
J: I’m not sold on the decor. They’ve got some old shit on the walls, sure, but there’s not enough. You need to clutter the place with old shit if you want to be taken seriously.
S: Right. You can’t just have a dead shark with a flame job all by itself in one corner.
J: No.
S: You need to put a beret on it.
J: And give it a fucking pipe at least. They’ve got sombreros, though.
S: That’s a plus.
J: And looky what we got here! A copy of Penthouse on top of the jukebox!
S: What?
J: Yup. Get away! Get away!
S: Gimme. We had a really good time at Canal Bar, and the “one drink per bar” rule was broken several times over. We wound up too drunk to ride our bicycles and decided (after almost being hit by a police car) to pack it in and continue the investigation at noon the following day.CARROLL GARDENS Boat | 175 Smith St.
J: They have homemade compilation CDs in the jukebox! I love that!
S: Jesus, that’s the surliest bartender I’ve ever encountered.
J: Who? Her?
S: Yeah. Vicious.
J: Otherwise this place is OK, right?
S: I suppose.
J: The homemade compilations on the jukebox are brilliant! I didn’t have to flip a page, I found three songs to play off of one record!
S: What songs did you pick?
J: All Smiths.
S: Was it a Smiths compilation?
J: Yes. Hey, great jukebox!
Bartender: Thanks.
J: She is surly.
S: I told you.
J: I still like it here, though. Nice long bar. It feels tropical, somehow.
S: Yeah. It’s good. Brooklyn Inn | 138 Bergen St.
J: Brooklyn Inn! Brooklyn Inn!
S: Free nuts!
J: Free nuts!
S: This is nice, very nice.
Bartender: What can I do for ya?
S: I’ll have a Tom Collins.
J: Two Tom Collinses, please.
S: Is this place meant to be the oldest?
J: Sir? Is this the oldest bar in Brooklyn?
B: One of them.
J: One of them.
S: Very high ceilings… Probably one of the most picturesque bars I’ve been to.
J: Beautiful interior.
S: And outside the street is leafy and lined with brownstones.
J: It’s a wonderful bar. We should get some pot.
S: No way.
J: I like the layout of this place. Really nice. And look! There’s a nook!
S: I love a nook.
B: Two Tom Collinses.
J: Thank you, sir. Do you know where we can get some pot around these parts?
S: I’m not smoking pot.
J: Shhh!
B: No idea. Sorry.ATLANTIC AVENUE Hank’s Saloon | 46 3rd Ave.
S: Hello! Can we please get two Buds?
Bartender: You got it, honey.
J: Man… this place is postapocalyptic! She seems nice, though.
S: Yeah.
J: Would you do her?
S: She’s the same age as my mother!
J: And your mom’s a fox. What’s your point?
S: Fuck off. How’s the jukebox?
J: Kind of amazing, actually. They have a lot of super-random stuff. Do you like it here?
S: I think so. I think I’d have to come back at nighttime to give you an honest answer to that…
J: It’s really dark and black. Everything’s been painted gloss black.
S: Yeah, it’s kinda evil looking. Dusty. Lots of shit on the walls, though.
J: And there are your fairy lights. Where’s Hank? I wanna discuss about his decor.
S: Hank’s dead.
J: How do you know?
S: Hank Williams.
B: There you go, boys.
J: Thank you. Is this Hank Williams’s bar?
B: Yes, it is. Well, it’s named after him.
J: Cool. Cheers, Sterly-bird.
S: Cheers. Pacific Standard | 82 4th Ave.
S: I like this place!
J: Yeah, it’s nice. Looks like a geography class. What are we drinking?
S: Lots of books around the place. We’re drinking Jack London Pale Ale or something.
J: It’s kind of literary times in here. You know? Kinda collegiate?
S: I don’t know. I guess so, yeah.
J: Any of these books worth stealing? Let’s have a look.
S: The Illustrated Library of Poetry?
J: Nope.
S: What about… It’s all poetry anthologies.
J: Any haiku?
S: Don’t know. Can’t see any.
J: The music’s shit in here! What is this? Blink-182 or something?
S: Is there a jukebox?
J: Yeah, but those kids with ear stretchings have already loaded it up with crap before we got here. Come on. What’s good about this place? I’m bummed on this song is all.
S: Well, they’ve got like 20 beers on tap.
J: They do have a lot of draft beer, which is great.
S: Yes. Thumbs-up.PARK SLOPE Jackie’s Fifth Amendment | 404 5th Ave.
J: This is the spot!
S: Bucket o’ Bud!
J: So cheap too. I love it in here! It’s light and airy. The ceiling looks like whipped cream!
S: It’s awesome. The locals are fun!
J: I know! I love these guys! Hey, Buster? How old’s this place?
Buster: It’s been here since the 30s, I think.
S: The internet jukebox is a plus.
J: This seems like a nice place to bring a lady.
S: What for?
J: I don’t know, a blowjob or something… Let’s get our picture taken! Linda, will you take our picture?
Linda (bartender): Sure. What do I do?
S: Just press the big button.
L: OK. Smile!
[Click]
J: Thanks.
S: La-la Bamba! I love this song, man!
J: What else can we say about this place?
S: It’s the best bar we’ve been to so far.
J: It is, right? They’ve got healthy plants in the windows! And it’s totally clean!
S: Let’s get another bucket of Bud after this one.
J: Definitely. O’Connor’s | 39 5th Ave.
J: This is a pretty heavy spot, right?
S: Yeah, Irish Mafia bar.
J: Shhh! You’ll get us stabbed.
S: It’s too quiet in here.
J: It’s the afternoon! You can’t expect much. Apparently Elliott Smith used to pen his tunes in here.
S: Yeah?
J: Yeah, apparently.
S: Weird.
J: This is a pretty serious bar… Super-high ceilings… Dusty chocolate-brown color throughout… It’s very clean.
S: It’s nice and big. For some reason I feel like I’m in a hospital.
J: I feel like I’m in The Rocky Horror Show with ol’ Riff Raff over there.
S: Where? Oh yeah, he does look like Riff Raff. Where are all the chicks?
J: They must come at nightfall.
S: I hope so. Too many old farts in here right now.
J: Have some respect, man.
S: Why? It’s true! No women and we’re the youngest people here.
J: Elliott Smith liked it…
S: Here’s to Smitty.
J: Cheers.
S: Cheers.FORT GREENE Frank’s on Fulton | 660 Fulton St.
J: Where the fuck are we now?
S: Check the map. We’re in Fort Greene.
J: Who’s got the map?
S: You do.
J: You do.
S: I do. Yes.
J: Lots of old black dudes in here. It’s like that scene from Weird Science, “I was crazy insane for this little eighth-grade bitch.”
S: “Crazy insane”?
J: “Insane crazy”? That’s enough of that, no one’ll get it. Nieratko will get it.
S: This place is great though, isn’t it?
J: Yeah! I’m really into it. The whole… 70s vibe… sorta? Melvin Van Peebles?
S: I know what you mean… That might just be the black guys, though.
J: This place rules. Chin-chin.
S: Cheers.
Customer: Are you boys on a bar crawl?
J & S in unison (really): Yeah! How’d you know?
Customer: I saw you at the Brooklyn Inn.
J: You must be on one as well!
C: Yeah, this is like my day-off bar crawl. You have a map too?
S: Yeah, we’re doing a job for Vanity Fair.
J: We’re journalists, he’s a photographer, photojournalist. We’re doing a story about modern-day shanghaiing. It still happens. No one talks about it.
C: Modern-day what?
S: Shanghaiing. It’s happening everywhere.
J: The government is doing it. It’s like the new draft.
S: Do you want another Bud?
J: Yeah. Do you want a drink, madam?
C: No, I got to get going.
J: Bye!
S: Bye. Alibi | 242 Dekalb Ave.
J: OK, what bar is this?
S: Have a look at the map. We’re on Dekalb.
J: Let’s see… Alibi? Are we at Alibi?
S: Excuse me? Excuse me?
Customer: Yeah?
S: This is Alibi, right? We’re at Alibi.
C: Yeah.
S: OK.
J: This is Alibi. Thanks, man. So here we are, Caraway. What’d you think?
S: It’s nice, I like it.
J: Bunch of fuckin’ gnats flying round my head, though. Where are they coming from?
S: What gnats? I can’t see any gnats.
J: They’re all over me. It’s like a cloud.
S: I really like Fort Greene bars.
J: It’s like a universe of gnats, look at it.
S: I like Fort Greene. That last place was good.
J: Frank’s. We really had that chick goin’ about the whole shanghai thing! HA HA!
S: What chick?
J: The one at Frank’s.
S: What?
J: Oh look, I got an email from the Vices.
S: You’re getting emails from Vice right now?
J: Yeah, they wanna know when I’m gonna have this finished.
S: Fuck ’em! Don’t reply. You’re in the middle of a job.
J: Don’t tell me how to run my business! Take some fucking photos!
S: All right, asshole.
J: What’s good about this bar?
S: Cheap, pool tables, nice vibe…