Inspired by God's Michelle Duggar and her 19 doomed children.
Michelle Duggar (center, beneath acoustic guitar) and her massive, Christian family
A couple of days ago Michelle Duggar, reality television star, devout Christian, and the hardest working vagina in showbusiness, took to her blog to answer the question that’s on all of our minds this time of year: “Now that swimsuit season is here, how can I protect the world from the offending sight of my human body?”
For the uninitiated, Michelle is the matriarch of the Duggar family, a brood of 19 (and counting!) very religious children whose names all start with the letter "J." Their dad’s name is Jim-Bob, they live in a terrifying Jesus-complex on some kind of scary ranch, and they dress a bit like pioneers. Obviously, they are homeschooled. Michelle’s favorite quote, as listed on the show’s website, reads: “Saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers!” MICHELLE. There are TOO MANY FLOWERS.
The Duggars don’t usually go swimming or to the beach, because that is a prime space for "defrauding" people. While this makes it sound like the beach is the geographical equivalent of that email you got from an exiled Ethiopian prince, defrauding actually means “to stir up desires in someone else that cannot be righteously fulfilled.” The beach is one big tease, and as they say, Jesus hates Teasus.
Michelle says that, in general, the family doesn't attend events where bathing suits are worn “because it's just too hard for the guys to try to keep their eyes averted in those situations.” Once in a while, the family can head fully clothed to a “private creek or lake” (???) to pretend they know what life is like for regular people. Sure, it sounds like it would be incredibly uncomfortable and far too hot to be out at a “private creek” in clothing that covers you from your neck to your knees (as is the Duggers' style), but you know where it is really hot? Hell. Keen to avoid eternal fire, brimstone and monokini-ed Beelzebubs? Here are our top tips for a modest summer.
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Saviour
Avoid beaches, sure, but also keep yourself away from clothing stores—people are constantly putting clothes on and taking them off in there. Rampant necks and thighs. Also, avoid airports (they have a machine that scans you fully nude, even if you’re wearing a chastity belt), city streets (hobos these days have no respect for your repressed sexuality) and anywhere involving the words “fun” or “sun.”
Turn a Blind Eye. Literally.
Poke your eyes out with something sharp so you’ll never see an offensive shoulder-blade or thigh ripple ever again. What, you think you’re better than St. Lucy?
Watch Your Words
Try to speak more modestly in addition to your careful dress. The only women who swear in the street are whores. Clean up your diction! The word "diction" should be the first to go, for obvious reasons.
Think Outside the Box. (Don’t Think About Box, Though.)
Sure, you’re covered up from your knees to your neck, but temptation can be found in other parts of the body as well. Why do you think they call it “toe cleavage”? Try to avoid crossing your arms, as your elbows can make a real cleft-of-Venus-y shape when folded. Before you leave the house in the morning, do a quick shame-check in the mirror, scanning your body for potentially arousing, sinful parts. Just kidding, you don’t own a mirror, that is vanity.
Bring the Outdoors to You!
If you don’t have access to a private creek or lake, consider turning your private bath into one. Just pop into the shower or tub—fully clothed, natch, don’t want to defraud yourself with Onanistic urges—play some nature sounds and turn the lights up reaaaally bright. It’s just like spending a summer day outdoors with friends, but without being outdoors or with friends!
Thinking about leaving the house or living a normal life? Don’t! Stay home and await the sweet embrace of death and the fully-clothed heaven that awaits. Well, mostly fully-clothed. Mary’s robe is a bit low-cut for my tastes. CATHOLICS.
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