Food by VICE

Ivanka Trump Offers Culinary Advice for People Who Have No Idea What Seasoning Is

Trump's groundbreaking tips on how to BE BEST include putting cinnamon in your oatmeal.

by Jelisa Castrodale
Aug 3 2018, 8:37pm

Photos: Getty Images/Ernesto Benavides and Flickr user Terri Bateman

Seeing members of the Trump family try to connect with Real Americans is like watching a dog walk on its back legs: We all know it’s unnatural, temporary, and done for the benefit of whoever is paying attention at the time. It’s always ridiculous, whether it’s a flannel-clad Don Jr. taking part in that grand tradition of sitting on a tree stump, Melania wearing a Balmain shirt and a pair of box-fresh Jack Purcells while she ‘gardens,’ or Donald insisting that grocery shopping requires a photo ID.

But Ivanka might’ve reached new heights of “Oh girl, why” with a post on her own website, which lists some of her favorite ways to ‘spice up’ the summer months. The post was written by Jayne Williams, a frequent health and wellness contributor to Trump’s site, and saying that it’s basic is almost insulting to basic women. “I happened upon this article and it is just *chef kiss* peak whiteness,” one person who was accidentally exposed to this caucasity posted on Twitter.

She kicks off this list of innovating tips with the suggestion to “[incorporate] a variety of spices into your everyday meal plan.” Oh, so “spice up your summer” was to be taken literally. Got it. As for the spices themselves, there are more intriguing combinations in a bucket of KFC. But if you’re someone who has only seen a kitchen on television or heard about them in passing, Williams and Trump are here to tell you about underappreciated seasonings like ginger, cinnamon, cayenne, turmeric, and mint.

“BUT IVANKA, WHERE WILL I FIND THESE EXOTIC CURIOSITIES?” you might be asking the Internet Concierge who is reading these words to you. Perhaps anticipating your frustration, Williams says to purchase them “through a local international store or spice merchant.” Thank goodness you’d already planned to take your least fussy carriage to the harbor to await the British East India Company’s arrival.

Am I being unfair to, like, let my eyes just roll completely out of their sockets about this? I guess that depends whether or not a Nutrition Expert needed to remind you that you can put cinnamon on a bowl of oatmeal, that cayenne is a kind of pepper, or that a real person writes phrases like “[ginger] is one of my favorite power spices” and “my spice collection is now layers deep these days.” (And lest you think that this is a one-off for Williams, one of her previous contributions to IvankaTrump.com includes step-by-step instructions for putting fruits and nuts into a bowl of Greek yogurt.)

If you were ever unsure who the target audience of Ivanka’s website is, it’s people who are so clueless about what happens in the kitchen— in any kitchen—that they’d be surprised and delighted to learn about the existence of MINT. She’s writing for her dad, for her stepmother, and for at least one dog, who desperately wishes that it could just put all four paws on the floor.