America's New Kink Is Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper

Have I seen A Star Is Born? Not yet, admittedly. But when a slew of tuxedo-clad men swarmed the stage from behind to set up the piano and microphones for Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's live duet of "Shallow," the film's lead track that was nominated (and won!) for Best Original Song, literally none of that mattered. You don't need context for porn, so why would you need context for the sexiest performance in Academy Awards history?

First, let's talk about cinematography. The fact that the camera pulls up from behind is hot (you know why), and it's only made hotter by the fact that Gaga and Cooper tenderly walk up from their seats in the audience, hand-in-hand, together. Costume change? Fuck no. Who has time for that when you're clearly about to have everyone in America fanning themselves with a pizza delivery menu? It's also worth noting that Gaga can just casually walk up to the stage and tear the house down like a total badass. EGOT? More like EHOT!

Folks, this performance has it all. Tender, unshakeable eye-gazing:

Bradley Cooper's surprisingly solid live vocal abilities:

Genuinely incredible singing and overall artistry…

…that may also double as a raging O-face.

We weren't able to get screenshots of Cooper coming over to Gaga because we were too floored by how sexy the whole thing was. But boy oh boy, did he come in hot:

Are you close? Because the camera sure is:

I MEAN WHO ISN'T TIRED OF TRYING TO FILL THE VOID OR NEEDING SOMETHING MORE OR TRYING TO KEEP IT SO HARDCORE?

And I really just wish someone loved me enough to tenderly nuzzle my forehead like this:

Shoutout for momentary eye contact with your actual spouse in the audience! It's just acting, honey, don't worry about it!

But really, they both know what's up, and that thing that's up is horny eyes… and, well, you know:

And honestly, what orgasm is complete without a standing ovation on a national broadcast?

Or, you know, winning your first Oscar for the song you just performed:

You could write all of this off as Really Good Acting, since that's why we're all here in the first place. You could also write it as very heavy Oscars erotic fan fiction. Because come on, you two—you're not fooling anyone.

I give it an hour before the entire performance is uploaded to Pornhub.

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