What's Gone On This Week: Liam Neeson and the World's Most Deplorable Anecdote

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a new column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

A NEW PISSING POST IN THE SHAPE OF MARGARET THATCHER WILL BE ERECTED IN GRANTHAM

PLANS TO ERECT A £300,000 STATUE OF MARGARET THATCHER IN HER HOMETOWN OF GRANTHAM HAVE BEEN APPROVED BY SOUTH KESTEVEN DISTRICT COUNCIL PLANNERS. LINCOLNSHIRE POLICE SAID THEY DID NOT OPPOSE THE APPLICATION BUT WARNED THE STATUE MAY BE TARGETED BY THE "MOTIVATED FAR-LEFT MOVEMENT… WHO MAY BE COMMITTED TO PUBLIC ACTIVISM", ADDING THAT THE FEELING OF HATRED TOWARDS THE FORMER PRIME MINISTER, WHOSE MAIN ACHIEVEMENT WAS DISMANTLING WORKING CLASS COMMUNITIES, HAS BEEN "DIMINISHED” BY “THE PASSAGE OF TIME”. WHICH I’D HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH TO BE HONEST.

THE 10FT STATUE (WHICH YOU’LL BE PLEASED BUT NO LESS IRRITATED TO KNOW HAS BEEN PRIVATELY FUNDED) WILL BE PLACED ON A GRANITE PLINTH OF A SIMILAR HEIGHT, WHICH IS INTENDED TO DETER VANDALS BUT WILL NO DOUBT TRANSFORM THE MONUMENT FROM A LOW-HANGING FRUIT PISSING POST TO A GOLDEN GOOSE MECCA OF ANTI-THATCHERISM. THE SCULPTURE WAS ORIGINALLY REJECTED BY WESTMINSTER COUNCILLORS DUE TO FEARS IT WOULD BECOME A TARGET TO "POTENTIAL VANDALISM AND CIVIL DISORDER".

LOCAL OPINION IN GRANTHAM IS DIVIDED. ONE MAN SAID HE’D “WISHED SHE’D NEVER BEEN BORN” WHILST ONE RESIDENT WHO ALMOST CERTAINLY OWNS A CALL CENTRE SAID “I THINK SHE WAS A GOOD INFLUENCE AND DID A LOT FOR BRITISH INDUSTRY”. YOU KNOW, IN THE SAME WAY MOUNT VESUVIUS WAS INFLUENTIAL AND DID A LOT FOR THE WANKING MAN IN POMPEII.

IF NOTHING ELSE, ERECTING SOMETHING THIS DIVISIVE MIGHT CREATE DELICIOUS SCENES LIKE WHEN THAT MAN DECAPITATED A £150,000 7-FOOT-2 MARBLE STATUE OF THATCHER WITH A CRICKET BAT AT THE GUILDHALL GALLERY IN LONDON AND DESCRIBED IT AS AN ACT OF “SATIRICAL HUMOUR”. HE ALSO SAID HIS ACTIONS WERE PARTLY MOTIVATED BY A “DESIRE TO PROTECT HIS TWO-YEAR-OLD SON FROM THE ILLS OF GLOBAL CAPITALISM”.

INCIDENTALLY, THIS WEEK SAW TWO MONUMENTS ON THE LEFT OF THE DIVIDE TARGETED. AN ICONIC WALL IN NORTH WALES DAUBED "COFIWCH DRYWERYN" (“REMEMBER TRYWERYN”), COMMEMORATING THE FLOODING OF A WELSH VILLAGE IN ORDER TO SUPPLY THE NORTH OF ENGLAND WITH WATER, WAS PAINTED OVER WITH THE WORD "ELVIS”, AND THE GRADE I-LISTED TOMB OF KARL MARX IN HIGHGATE CEMETERY WAS DEFACED WITH A HAMMER.

DESPITE REMAINING UNTOUCHED THROUGH MANY BRITISH FASCIST MOVEMENTS OF THE PAST, MARX’S TOMB WAS NO DOUBT TARGETED BY SOME ALT-RIGHT BROS SEEMINGLY FURIOUS THAT SOMEONE WHO DIED 136 YEARS AGO ONCE THEORISED ABOUT WORKERS OF ALL LANDS UNITING IN A BROTHERHOOD OF MAN.

“CULTURAL MARXISM” HAS BECOME A SYNONYM FOR “ANTI-WHITENESS” TO MANY ON THE RIGHT – USED AS AN UMBRELLA TERM FOR FEMINISM, LGBT ACTIVISM, WHITE PRIVILEGE, POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING SOME CUNT ON THEIR FOURTH CAN OF MONSTER OF THE DAY IS BEMOANING ABOUT IN A CALL OF DUTY LOBBY – MAKING MARX THEIR NUMBER ONE ENEMY. DESPITE THE FACT HIS TOMB WAS DESTROYED WITH ONE HALF OF THE MAJOR SYMBOLS OF COMMUNISM, IT HAS NOT, SO FAR, BEEN CLAIMED AS A SATIRICAL GESTURE.

LIAM NEESON HAS ABSOLUTELY LOST IT

LIAM NEESON IS CURRENTLY PROMOTING HIS LATEST VENGEANCE FLICK, COLD PURSUIT. BY WAY OF ILLUSTRATING SYMPATHY WITH THE URGE TO SEEK "REVENGE", HE DECIDED TO REVEAL IN AN INTERVIEW THAT SOMEONE CLOSE TO HIM WAS RAPED BY A BLACK MAN AND HE RESPONDED BY TAKING TO THE STREETS OF NORTHERN IRELAND FOR A WEEK WITH A COSH (BORSTAL SPEAK FOR A BATON) LOOKING TO KILL A BLACK MAN IN RETALIATION.

NEESON WENT ON TO ELABORATE: “THIS WAS 40 YEARS AGO. I HAD A PRIMAL URGE. I WAS TRYING TO SHOW HONOUR FOR A FRIEND I DEARLY LOVED IN A MEDIEVAL FASHION.” AND WHILST HE ADMITS: “IT WAS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, WHEN I THINK BACK, THAT I DID THAT” THE ACTOR SAID THAT HE WOULD HAVE HAD THE SAME REACTION IF IT WERE A WHITE MAN WHO CARRIED OUT THE ATTACK. HOWEVER, HIS USE OF “BLACK BASTARD” WITH QUOTATION FINGERS DURING THE RETELLING CLEARLY SHOWS THAT HORRIFIC RACIAL PREJUDICE WAS A FACTOR.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS STAR MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ HAPLESSLY CAME TO HIS DEFENCE, STATING “DUDE, HAVE YOU WATCHED WIDOWS? HIS TONGUE WAS SO FAR DOWN VIOLA DAVIS’S THROAT. YOU CAN’T CALL HIM A RACIST EVER” – AS IF THE ONLY MEANS OF IDENTIFYING A RACIST IS IF THEY TURN DOWN A GOBJOB OFF BEYONCE.

ONE OF OUR BIGGEST PROBLEMS IS THAT WE’RE STILL ONLY COMFORTABLE WITH RACISM BEING POINTED OUT WHEN IT’S NICK GRIFFIN OR A GRAND WIZARD IN THE KLAN. BEHAVIOUR LIKE NEESON’S IS INFLUENCED BY A CULTURE AROUND HIM THAT SEEKS TO DEHUMANISE ENTIRE SECTS OF PEOPLE BASED ON LEARNED DISCRIMINATION AND THANK GOD HE REALISED HIS MISTAKE BEFORE HE DID ANYTHING WORSE.

IF WHITE PEOPLE WERE PAINTED AS BEING IN CAHOOTS WITH ANDERS BREIVIK WE’D HAVE SEEN A 10,000 PERCENT RISE IN ANEURYSMS BECAUSE THE ACTIONS OF ONE INDIVIDUAL WERE BEING AFFILIATED WITH THE MORALS OF AN ENTIRE GROUP OF PEOPLE. WHEN IT COMES TO MINORITIES, THE INDIVIDUALITY OF A PERSON CEASES TO EXIST. I’M NOT SURE THAT FAMOUS AND MEME-WORTHY SCENE FROM TAKEN WOULD HAVE CAPTURED THE IMAGINATION QUITE LIKE IT DID IF LIAM NEESON HAD SAID “I WON’T FIND YOU, BUT I WILL FIND SOMEONE OF THE SAME RACE AND INDISCRIMINATELY KILL THEM INSTEAD”.

AND THE NEW LOGICAL RESPONSE TO LATE CAPITALISM MAKING THE WORLD AN UNINHABITABLE HELLSCAPE IS: SUE YOUR PARENTS

A 27-YEAR-OLD MAN IS SUING HIS PARENTS FOR GIVING BIRTH TO HIM, WHICH IS PRECISELY WHAT I USED TO FEEL LIKE DOING AS A KID EVERY TIME MY PARENTS WERE SLOWLY FAILING TO NAVIGATE THEIR NEW SKY+ REMOTE. MUMBAI BUSINESSMAN RAPHAEL SAMUEL SAYS HIS BELIEF IS ROOTED IN ANTI-NATALISM – A PHILOSOPHY THAT ARGUES LIFE IS SO FULL OF MISERY EVERYONE SHOULD STOP PROCREATING.

SAMUEL SAYS HIS DECISION TO TAKE HIS PARENTS TO COURT IS ONLY BASED ON HIS BELIEF THAT THE WORLD WOULD BE A MUCH BETTER PLACE WITHOUT HUMAN BEINGS IN IT. “IF HUMANITY IS EXTINCT, EARTH AND ANIMALS WOULD BE HAPPIER. ALSO NO HUMAN WILL THEN SUFFER. HUMAN EXISTENCE IS TOTALLY POINTLESS," HE ARGUED. WHICH MIGHT HAVE SOME TRUTH TO IT BUT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A TED TALK FROM AGENT SMITH.

SAMUEL ALSO ARGUES THAT “GIVING BIRTH TO ANOTHER BEING WITHOUT ITS CONSENT AND FORCING IT TO WORK AND PAY BILLS FOR YOUR PLEASURE IS THE DEFINITION OF ENTITLED."

THESE USES OF “ENTITLED” AND “CONSENT” SOUND LIKE A PATHETIC DUNK ON IDENTITY POLITICS, BUT IT’S SO HAM-FISTED IT’S DIFFICULT TO EVEN BE MAD AT THIS MAN AS HE SOUNDS LIKE AN EXTREMELY ANNOYING, OVERLY SELF-AWARE AI CHILD IN A POORLY IMDB-RATED SCI-FI FILM. HE DOES WORRY, HOWEVER, THAT HIS CLAIM WILL BE “THROWN OUT BECAUSE NO JUDGE WOULD HEAR IT” BUT INSISTS HE’S DOING ALL THIS TO SPREAD THE WORD THAT HAVING CHILDREN IS BAD, AND NOT “FOR PUBLICITY.”

"AS WE DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN, WE SHOULD BE PAID FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES TO LIVE,” HE ARGUES, WHICH WAS NO DOUBT SAID JUST TO IRK SOME PEOPLE BUT ALSO SERVES AS HIS STRONGEST ARGUMENT. AS MORRISSEY (ONCE LOOSELY, SORT OF) SAID “GIVE ME THAT UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME, YOU OWE ME A LIVING”.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE