Seriously guys, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of asking body language experts to explain why Donald Trump hulks behind women like a registered sex offender. I'm tired of having to call five star hotels to ask about their golden showers policy. I've tired of staking out woodland on survival training in preparation for an inevitable nuclear apocalypse now that Big Boy Trump is in charge of the nuclear codes.
This shit is not going to win me a Pulitzer. Can we just end this already? To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, a fellow nihilist in a time of great international peril: Sweet mushroom cloud, come quickly, for I speak not loud or long.
Nah, I'm kidding, I live for this! Anyway: In more Trump news, yesterday the US president took a break from his exhausting schedule of phonetics and patty-cake to sit behind the wheel of a truck, honk the horn, and pretend to drive. For context: Trump had just met with representatives of the American Trucking Association, who thoughtfully gifted Big Boy Trump with an "I ❤ Trucks" badge to wear to important national security meetings and suchlike.
At lot of people wrote thoughtful op-eds about whether the truck—a belching fuel-guzzling monstrosity—represents the America that Trump is currently driving off a cliff, but whatever! I don't have time for these ponderous analogies—I'm with Trump on this one. If I were lucky enough to sit behind the wheel of a truck I would definitely honk the horn and go, vroom vroom. Trucks are fun!
Amongst all the seriously excellent memes that flooded Twitter in the wake of Big Boy Trump's special treat for being such a good boy for Uncle Bannon, it occurred to us that no one was asking female truck drivers what they thought. So we reached out to Sally Bowler, who runs haulage company TW Bowler Ltd, to find out how she feels about Trump getting behind the wheel of her chosen occupational vehicle.
Read more: Trump Is the Pettiest President Yet. Sad!
BROADLY: Hi Sally, thanks for talking to me. What sort of trucks do you drive?
Sally Bowler: I drive a HGV horsebox that is about 40 foot long, or I moved a 90-ton crane a few weeks ago, so the gross weight of that is about 130 ton, with the wagon and the trailer. It's quite a complicated outfit. I can do anything.
What does it take to be a good truck driver in your opinion?
You need to have good time management so you're providing value for money for the customers. And you have to be polite, and patient with the customers, because you're dealing with them directly.
Do you think Trump would be a good truck driver?
I don't think so because he's a little bit irate and very opinionated. He's boisterous and has some attitude—and you can't really have that attitude when you're going onto sites, because they're just throw you off. You have to be calm because you'll be in a lot of stressful situations.
Would you send Trump out in one of your trucks without supervision?
No, definitely not, no! [Laughs]. I've got quite a lot of pride in our wagons. I think they're really good-looking, our trucks and stuff. I don't think he fits the bill. I'd send someone out with him. I wouldn't let him go out on his own.
Do you think he'd drip fake tan all over the truck?
Maybe! I can't see him looking after it.
Would you give him a job?
You can't judge someone on what you first see of them. We'd give him a full introduction in the yard, show him how the truck works, then send him out with one of our drivers so he could see how things work. Then we'd let him out on his own. So Trump would never have the responsibility of being on his own if we weren't happy.
Would you be willing to share a long-haul journey with Trump?
I'm quite a brave person, so I wouldn't be scared, but the conversation would be a bit irate. I think it would be entertaining, but I don't think do it out of choice. I'd do it for the experience, but I don't think I'd ever do it again. It'd be a laugh though, wouldn't it?