I remember the first time I felt seen by media. I was watching The Mask in my cousin’s basement, and Cameron Diaz came out and danced. Everyone in the movie thought she was hot, including the Mask, who is the main character in The Mask. His face was green, and he yelled at her. Soon, they were dating. I want to be yelled at, I thought. One day, that will be me…
Unfortunately, that was also the last time I related to a woman onscreen. Twenty-five years passed, and Hollywood produced not one relatable female character in that time. Bridget Jones? Bridget boring! Meredith Grey? Does too much! I turned my back on the film industry, choosing instead to look inward and contemplate my own mortality, but that ends now. For today? I have found the role model I’ve been searching for all these years, and her name is blob.
She has hundreds of genders but no brain—an icon for the bimbo-but-I’m-reclaiming-it generation.
The blob, also known as Physarum polycephalum, is a yellowish unicellular organism that the Paris Zoological Park will start displaying to the public this weekend, as Reuters reported Wednesday. Despite not having a brain (or a mouth, or a stomach, or wings, or legs, or…), she can learn new things and share that knowledge with other blobs by merging—like sex, but smart. Scientists have used her kind in scientific experiments since the 1960s, according to Motherboard, since she’s capable of solving mazes. And did I mention the hundreds of genders thing? She has nearly 720 genders, Reuters says. In short: She is legend.
You might think she’s pretty weird, but I don’t think she’s weird. I’m not a scientist, just a humble bloghag, so what do I know? But in my humblest bloghaglian opinion, I think it’s great that she has no mouth or stomach but can still detect food and digest it. I think it’s beautiful that she looks like a mushroom but acts like an animal. I think it’s important that she can merge with other blobs, making one slightly larger blob.
She might just be a slime mould to you, but to me? She is more than just a slime mould. She is me. And I, dear reader? I…am she.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow Harron Walker on Twitter .