One of the most lingering questions regarding the existence of extraterrestrial life was most succinctly asked in 1950 by a man named Enrico Fermi, in what has come to be known as (duh) the "Fermi Paradox." It asks, more or less, "Mathematically, intelligent life must exist in the universe, so why haven't we made contact with them yet?" Well, Enrico Fermi, you fucking smarty-pantsed-ass space nerd, what if I told you that aliens are already on earth? What if I told you that the only reason we haven't made contact is that they don't want us to know about it? I have spent the past seven months fasting and self-administering ayahuasca in the desert, and last night I came to the conclusion that there is an alien spy among us. His name is Kid Rock.
"Is Kid Rock human? I think he is an alien—how can one person be so talented," asks MrDetroit, a commenter on Kid Rock's site. You're more right than you know, my internet-dwelling friend. Kid Rock's talent for singin', rappin', strummin', song-writin', patriotin', and (presumably) fuckin' may be completely out of this world, but that's just the beginning. Only an alien would have the galaxy brain capable of comprehending that the second coming of Lynyrd Skynyrd would need to be an alien, and only someone with the infrastructural clout available to a population of insidious extraterrestrials would be able to actually make it happen. And, look, not to alarm you, but now that Kid Rock is running for Senate, we have serious reason, on an intergalactic level, to be concerned for the safety of the earth.
I know what you're thinking: That sounds ridiculous. But the evidence is irrefutable. Let's consider the facts: Kid Rock once made a song with Yelawolf, who once made a song called "Looking for Alien Love" that was four minutes and twenty seconds long (nice). After recording "Let's Roll" with Kid Rock, did Yelawolf make another song called "Still Looking for Alien Love?" He did not. This is because he found his alien love, and he found alien love with Kid Rock. Exhibit two: What is a word like "BAWITADABAWBADANGADANGDIGGYDIGGY" if not a message to one's extraterrestrial overlords letting them know that everything's cool on Earth and things are going according to plan?
Sure enough, ever since 2001—the year when Kid Rock released Cocky and began shifting away from nu-metal and towards nu-classic rock—Rock's home state of Michigan has ranked ninth in the nation for UFO sightings. Where aliens are concerned, there are, of course, no absolute answers. But this uptick in extraterrestrial activity does appear curiously linked to their emissary Kid Rock's bold shift in direction. Artists don't just wake up one day and start sound-fucking Bob Seger's entire discography—unless they're acting on behalf of a cabal of sinister interplanetary mercenaries trying to destroy us all.
I know this is a lot to take in, and I'm sorry if I'm for blowing your mind straight out of your butthole, I really am. But this is important. Even if Kid Rock doesn't run for Senate this time around—it's still unclear whether or not he's for real or just engaging a massive PR stunt—my ayahuasca revelations have told me that Kid Rock will run for Senate in the future. We all know that the most powerful people in the world are celebrities. They have access to secrets we puny non-celebrities could never fathom—hidden information about entertainment, business, the government, computers, etc. So why wouldn't the aliens use a celebrity, especially a world-touring rockstar, as a spy to report on all the goings-on throughout the world so that they would know precisely when to enslave all of humanity? There is no reason why they wouldn't do this, is the answer to this question.
And if that's the case, the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place. First, Kid Rock took over the world of rap-rock, a platform he used to gain valuable insight into 1990s pop culture. Then he took over the world of Republican Rock, allowing the aliens to understand why people like trucks. Now that he is a celebrity conservative icon, standing tall alongside such titans of morality and humility as Ted Nugent and Gene Simmons, he is gearing up to take over the world of the Senate. Think about it: When the aliens come to take over, will they want a United States president who tries to resist, or would they prefer a Manchurian Candidate who will roll over as the aliens destroy America, and also the world? Obviously, they want President Kid Rock (oh also, in this scenario, Kid Rock will become President).
I will allow for the possibility that Kid Rock was once not an alien. It is completely reasonable to believe that Kid Rock was just a normal guy who happened to make totally kick-ass music, only to one day get abducted by aliens and had his Detroit brain replaced with an alien brain. Kid Rock gets drunk a lot, so it would probably be pretty easy for the aliens to just wait until he drank an entire 30-pack of Miller High Life and beam him up to their spaceship once he was passed out. But come on, let's be realistic: It'd be way more practical for the aliens to impregnate Kid Rock's mom with a little alien baby (just like they did with Jesus and his mom) and let that little alien baby grow up into an ass-kickin', freedom-lovin', condom-hatin' American Icon.
No matter how Kid Rock responds to this article, it will only further deepen my argument. Even if he provides some sort of so-called "evidence" that "proves" he is NOT an alien, the fact that he feels a need to address them at all will serve as proof that he has something to hide. And if he meets these damning allegations with the silence of cowards and/or extraterrestrials, it'll just show that we all know he's an alien and hopes the controversy will die quickly.
Before I return to the desert to continue with my ayahuasca-based inquiries into the universe's unknowable truths, I leave you with one final globule of rhetorical fat to chew on. What's the first thing the aliens do in the movies after they land on some poor farmer's outhouse? They tell the farmer, "Take us to your leader," that's the fuck what they do. And, well, we've all seen that one picture of Kid Rock and Donald Trump. Kid Rock has already been taken to our leader. The plot is already in motion. The only thing left for the aliens to do is have Kid Rock take Donald Trump's place.
Future Days is a weekly column by Drew Millard. If you agree or disagree with what he writes, feel free to text him at 828-675-8574.
Drew Millard used to work at Noisey, but now he doesn't, so now he has this column. He lives in North Carolina with his dog. Follow him on Twitter.