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Ghostface Killah Isn't a Little Bitch Anymore

VICE Staff

VICE Staff

I'm a huge Wu fan, but my relationship with Ghostface Killah's always been complicated by the fact that he's such a whiney little bitch. I've never been able to shake the feeling that whenever he opens his mouth he's on the verge of tears, and though he has that signature Shaolin flow and cryptic/nonsensical lyrics thing down, sometimes I'm like, "Pull yourself together, mama's boy." Namsayin?

You probably don't. Ghostface is a pivotal member of the Clan and most of my friends adore him. Today, I'm starting to understand why they don't think he's the jumped-up little pussy I've always regarded him as. The antidote to all my Ghostface qualms was delivered to me by my friend Adil Omar, a young Pakistani rapper, who's brought it to my attention that Ghost has used his blog to go in hard on rap's favorite new pedicured powderpuff, Drake.

"Ayo word bond this the god Big Ghost broadcastin live via satellites to yall niggas from the heavens nahmeans! Ayo a nigga dont mean no disrespect but this shit right here way too homo erotic for a nigga namsayin. A nigga dont mean no disrespect to this soft nigga Drake n that thick little broad Nicki n shit nahmeans. But this is real talk nahmeans."

[Tr. "Hello everyone, this is Ghostface Killah speaking to you on the internet. I don't mean any disrespect, but sometimes things just get too homoerotic for me to handle. I'm going to tell you the truth about that soft man Drake and that well-built woman Nicki Minaj."]

"Ayo the soft nigga Drake makin too many questionable moves n shit namsayin. Ayo that soft nigga too light in the ass nahmeans. The nigga all lotioned n baby powdered up anytime the god see that nigga. The nigga all tender n gentle n shit. Word bond if you light a cigarette too close to this muthafucka you gon roast the nigga. The niggas a marshmallow namsayin. Nigga need to be wearin a pillowcase. You cut the nigga open n you gon get feathers flying around the room n shit."

[Tr. "Drake has called his sexuality and masculinity into question too many times for me not to say something. Every time I see him he is wearing too much lotion and baby powder. I heard that if you light a cigarette too close to him he'll go up in flames. In this respect, he resembles a marshmallow or a pillowcase."]

"Ayo the nigga a stuffed animal nahmean. Word bond the nigga probably got tags sewn on his ass namsayin. Nigga probably take baths in Downy n shit. The muthafucka probably got lotion pumpin through his veins n shit. Dont get the god wrong or nothin like that cos i fucks wit some of his shit namsayin. But this nigga dont even need no airbag if he smash his whip n shit. The aloe vera ass nigga too soft for the god likin lately namsayin. Stay puff ass nigga."

[Tr. "Drake is like a stuffed animal. When he bathes, he probably does so in fabric softener. Don't misunderstand me – I like some of his music. But if he had a car crash, he's so soft that he wouldn't need an airbag."]

"The Duncan Hines ass muthafucka is influencin niggas to soften up they images n shit. Muthafucka we Staten Island niggas n we eat razors for snacks nahmeans. We throw boulders at each other for practice namsayin! We squeeze water outta rocks when we thirsty nigga! We gon eat the hair off a nigga head if we hungry namsayin! Fuck all that Aveeno shit nigga."

[Tr. "Drake – who reminds me of a man who made his fortune selling cake mix – is influencing others to soften up their images. People like me, from Staten Island, eat razors in between meals and relax by throwing boulders at each other. We work hard to stay hydrated and if we're hungry, we'll eat someone else's hair. It doesn't occur to us to moisturise."]

"Like I said tho the god dont really mean no disrespect or nothin of that nature. The god wish these niggas much success n prosperity n shit. But Shaolin niggas dont get down like that. We dodge lasers namsayin. We approach niggas daily n we throw bricks at a nigga spine if he try to run. This real nigga shit right here. Go watch the god latest video nahmeans. Bitches throw rose pedals on the ground a nigga walk on. That’s real shit. Word."

[Tr. "Just to reiterate, I don't mean any disrespect. I wish Drake and Nicki Minaj the best of luck in their respective careers. I just wanted to clarify that the Wu-Tang Clan don't behave in this way. We dodge lasers, do you know what I am saying. If we have an issue with someone and, when we go to broach the subject, they run away, we throw bricks at their spine. This is the mundane nature of my existence. Go and watch my latest video if you don't believe me. Women throw flowers at my feet. Honestly. I am telling the truth."]

"Aight peace."

CHARLET DUBOC