Orange County

Everything you hear about Orange County is 100 percent true. It's a huge, homogenous area full of rich Republicans, girls from MTV's Laguna Beach, and dudes rocking Affliction, Ed Hardy, flames (yes, still), and spiked hair. Essentially, it's a big frat party where all the guys show up barefoot and say things like "home skillet," "weak sauce," or, the one that makes us want to take baseball bats to their heads, "on like Donkey Kong." Here are some places to venture behind the Orange Curtain where you can avoid all of the aforementioned horribleness.

BARS

Avalon - The owner of Avalon, incredibly nice former M.I.A. (the band, not the "recording artist") singer Mike Conley, died last year. He was still pretty young, and that's sad and fucked up. The guy put a lot of work into his bar, and it's classy and plays good music. Mike's family members would appreciate the support. No jokes here. Thank you.

820 W. 19th St., Costa Mesa, 949-515-4650.

Tin Lizzie - Tin Lizzie used to be a gay bar, and then it wasn't and the locals were very confused, and then it was again and the new people who'd come for the remodeled interior with tin ceilings and red wallpaper were also confused. And then everyone decided that, in typical Southern California style, it was all OK so now both groups happily coexist.

752 St. Clair St., Costa Mesa, 714-966-2029.

FOOD

Beachwood BBQ - OK, barbecue does not mean chicken legs you throw on the grill and slather with a bottle of sauce. Barbecue is a TECHNIQUE. And Beachwood BBQ does it is right— superslow with a dry rub. The pulled pork sandwich on a pretzel bun topped with homemade coleslaw and coupled with a bottle of Old Dubh 12 (the beer list is insane)… happy ending, every time.

131 1/2 Main St., Seal Beach, 562-493-4500.

The Boiling Crab - Sure, the inside of the restaurant is a little cheesy, but so is the South, and the crayfish boil more than makes up for it. Get it with sausage and corn, all classily dumped into a plastic bag. And don't forget your bib. You'll look like a bigger asshole with the Whole Shebang sauce all over your t-shirt.

13892 Brookhurst St., Garden Grove, 714-636-4885.

Mattern Sausage and Meats Photo: William Potter

Mattern Sausage and Meats - We love sausage. As in, bratwurst, knockwurst, Polish… and that's just the start of what Mattern serves. Beer and German potato salad too. Best thing is you can take it all home, since Mattern is also a deli.

4327 E. Chapman Ave., Orange, 714-639-3550.

Taco Loco - This is sacrilege to say in Southern California, but Wahoo's Fish Taco doesn't rule the fish-taco scene. It's really good, but… I'd rather have the spicy blackened lobster tacos from Taco Loco. Even though there's an annoying hippie vibe (it's right on the PCH and the surfers roll up in bare feet), I can ignore all that for their sweet, sweet lobster.

640 S. Coast Hwy., Laguna Beach, 949-497-1635.

Wahoo's Fish Taco - Token Wahoo's mention. There's like 15 of these in OC. Pick one.

1862 Placentia Ave., Costa Mesa, 949-631-3433.

OTHER SHIT

Catalina Island - Hey, did you know there are BEARS on Catalina Island, which is this random and cool little island off the coast of Southern California? And wild boars? And buffalo? And they give you golf carts that you can drive all over the island so you can get away from the bears and the boars really fast? Fun!

320 Golden Shore, Long Beach, 800-481- 3470 (for the Catalina Express, which is the best way to get there).

Comics Toons N Toys - Nerd alert: This place is awesome and cheap and —just like a good comic store should be—totally crowded on Wednesdays. The world is your geek oyster at Comics Toons, because if he doesn't have it in stock, the owner will order just about anything you want. Plus, they've got a manga annex, so you can get your hentai fix, you sick fuck.

13542 Newport Ave., Tustin, 714-730-2117.

Vinyl Solution Photo: William Potter

Mitsuwa Market - After you're done getting your hentai at Comics Toons N Toys, head on over to Mitsuwa. Get some rare sake, cute little desserts from Minamoto Kichoan, Fruits and Cutie (er, the magazines) from Sanseido, a bento box, and Ramune, all for your girlfriend. Sounds like a lot, right? That's to make up for the fact that you'll be wanking to Lolicon and tentacle sex after she goes to sleep.

665 Paularino Ave., Costa Mesa, 714-557-6699.

The Parlor Barbershop - There's at least one of these in every county. This particular spot is occupied by old men and Mexicans with sleeve tattoos and a little fridge full of beer. They do fades and trims for like ten bucks, as well as straight-razor shaves. Pedro is your man.

15060 Goldenwest St., Westminster, 714-379-4400.

Vinyl Solution Records and Tapes - Vinyl Solution is an old-school HB establishment. Back when they opened, they gave me good money for my used cassette tapes. They still offer decent trade-in and have a 99-cent bin, Fleshtones albums, and in-stores with bands like US Bombs. It's mandatory to love US Bombs if you plan on being in OC for more than a week.

18822 Beach Blvd., Ste. 104, Huntington Beach, 714-963-1819.