Hugging In The Closet

Did you know that in Hollywood, men sometimes hug and kiss other men? I am referring to intimate hugging, where you put your arm around the person and then rub and caress them from the back, and kissing in the French fashion (avec langue). It's a fact. In addition to that, they sometimes kiss each other's penises. It confuses me. Why does a man kiss another man's penis? Isn't that egotistical? And as if that weren't enough, some actresses like to touch each other's vaginas! (Not to mention that they hug and kiss, too.) Thing is, they have to do these things in secret because the government says that if the general public knew that actors and actresses were rubbing their same-sex areas together, everyone would end up doing it. Then people would stop having babies and the human race would meet its demise. But I think it's cute when celebrities play with each other's privates. I don't care if it's bad for babies! So here are my whimsical celeb couples. It's kind of like a fantasy football league, except here I'm dealing with pee-pees and wee-wees. PS: If any of my choices just so happen to be gay, I wouldn't be totally surprised… A. ELIJAH WOOD AND DOMINIC MONAGHAN
Fauxhawk alert! They're too similar to stay together long, but can you imagine the magical hobbit mini-sex these two roommates (yes, roommates) could get up to? Elijah seems a bit broody and indie rock, while Dom has that scrappy Scottish rogue thing going. Together, they'd make a très-now metrosexual sandwich. B. WILL SMITH and MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY
I'm not saying they're gay. I'm just saying, what if? What if Will was the stern Christian daddy to Matthew's surfer babe? What if Will punished Matthew's hard-partying ways with wine enemas and four-point restraints? Would that kind of turn you on? C. MATT DAMON and KEVIN SPACEY
Move over, Bennifer! Matt has been neglected for too long, and whether he and Ben were BFFs or FTFs, he must be feeling the tug of loneliness now. Elder statesbitch Spacey would be just what the doctor ordered to save poor Mattie from an early midlife slump. D. KIRSTIE ALLEY and MEL B
Have you seen Kirstie lately? She looks like she's doing enough power-carbing for an entire East Village women's reading group. Check out gossiplist.com to see disturbing photos of her inhaling a hamburger in a parking lot. Maybe Mel's infectious laugh and live-wire spark could help slim Ms. Alley back to fighting weight. Otherwise, it's meatbath city for Mel! (That's when you fuck a fat girl.)