Hey everyone, welcome to our new column about GIFs.
We are doing this begrudgingly, after finally coming to terms with the fact that most people barely have the attention span to tie their shoes, let alone read more than five sentences of text.
So we've done all the work for you, and now you can catch up on all the stuff we have deemed you worthy of knowing about while having plenty of time for video games and being a horrible person without the time to care about anyone but yourselves.
Just kidding! The real reason we're doing this is that when your terrible, morally void children (who, btw, will legally mandate all zippers and shoelaces be replaced with Velcro) finally murder the Earth and spin us into the reality of an apocalyptic wasteland, we can be sure our offspring will be in charge, reading lots of long books that explain increasingly complex subjects and theories and drinking zero-calorie margaritas while your kids slave away in government-mandated labor camps where they will perform fun tasks like maintaining the oxygen generators and fending off cannibal mutants. The future is going to be great.
And how do we know we are right? Because, according to our analytics tools, at least 35 percent of you saw “GIFs” in the headline, saw more than three lines of text, and scrolled down to the moving images already. So... on with the GIFs.
GIFs by Daniel Stuckey
In April 2012 some guy who looks like a “TOTALLY RADICAL” 21-year-old BRO was in San Antonio and then all of a sudden he was spotted by a police dude acting fuckkkkking wasted, making “the motions of putting his penis back in his pants” after he squirted urine all over the Alamo. Sick, bruh. Except it’s not so sick when you’re sentenced to 18 months in state prison, as he was this week. Have fun with your new expanded butthole, BRAH! PS: We wonder whether broheim knows that Ozzy Osbourne peed on the Alamo Cenotaph in 1982 while wearing a dress. Probably not because he is a moron, obviously.
Speaking of dicks, this rapper guy severed his before jumping off a building. No one knows why yet, but maybe it’s because he lives in Los Angeles?
This week we released our new Weediquette episode about the full-on legalization of cannabis in Uruguay, where you can expect lots of pot you smoke to come from moving forward until the rest of the world gets its shit together. As you may have seen in the trailer, it features a chief session with yogi-bearded and roasted-almond brown stud muffin Krishna Andavolu and the MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT OF URUGUAY!!!!
While by this point we’re absolutely certain this one has been made many, many times over by myriad different trolls and otherwise Lulz-chasing characters, one infallible law of the universe is that there will always be enough room in this world for GIFs of terrible things happening to people who are doing the most vain thing the world has ever known.
On Wednesday a five-story passenger ship about 12 miles off the coast of Jindo, South Korea sank, and 270-plus of its passengers are still “missing.” Reportedly, the captain was not at the helm of the ship when it was discovered to be going under and someone instructed panicked passengers to “stay put.” A terrible reminder that you should NOT always do as you’re told. Especially these days.
Iraq has finally shut down the Abu Ghraib prison, where some of the most baseless and despicable war crimes ever leaked to the media took place. Remember, America, you commit war crimes too. At least own it.
This piece of human garbage—a supposed veterinarian, mind you—wanted to get fucked by a dolphin so badly he interrupted an entire orgy of them on his stupid show. We wish the dolphins echolocated him to the bottom of the sea.
In other news, an airplane flew into a woman’s vagina, defying the laws of physics and undermining basic science. Guess God is real after all. HAPPY WEEKEND!