Brandon Wardell's Guide to Sex with Millennials
Through my guidance, you, millennial, will remember what it's like to feel the loving embrace of another human and enjoy some real-life sexual intercourse.
Image courtesy of the author.
[Editor's Note: You might know the terrifyingly young Brandon Wardell from his stand-up comedy or our interview with him. In addition to being professionally funny, he is the most millennial millennial we know, so we asked him for some helpful tips on how to identify millennials in the wild, approach them, and then fuck them.]
As millennials, we spend nearly every waking moment looking at screens, consuming and creating content until the oceans boil, mountains crumble, and the sun envelops the earth. We look at screens so much that we take it for granted. For example, what if I told you that you were looking at a screen right now? Impossible, but true. In the process of converting to an entirely screen-based existence, we've become isolated, and in our sad, meaningless existence, have forgotten what really matters: fucking. According to a 2013 study conducted by the University College of London, young people averaged between 1.3 and 1.5 fucks less per month than they did a decade ago. The Guardian and Business Insider both suggested that technology was to blame for our cold, fuckless lives, a premise that, for the purposes of this article, I will agree with. I want to change that. Through my guidance, you, millennial, will remember what it's like to feel the loving embrace of another human and enjoy some real-life sexual intercourse. Or, at the very least, you will eat some ass.
Curate a Better Version of Yourself Online
Your social media should be nothing but the best version of you. Your Facebook should be filled with updates that function as thinly-veiled boasts about your accomplishments, your Twitter feed should consist solely of hip jokes based off of topical memes, and your Instagram should be populated by pictures of you looking beautiful in interesting locations. Hide all of your vulnerabilities, bottle those emotions, and start inspiring some jealousy from your peers. IRL, I'm constantly on the verge, or in the middle of, a mental breakdown, but if you check my social media, I'm doing nothing but succeeding and having fun with friends. It's not lying; it's curating. It's important to remember that you're only as fuckable as your Twitter feed. If you curate hard enough, you'll eventually start believing your own hype, and unjustified confidence is one of the biggest parts of successfully having frequent sex.
Make Correct Emoji Choices When Interacting with People via Tinder
The number one way to meet a millennial is on Tinder, which is a dating app that penalizes people for being old. There are an estimated 50 million people on Tinder, with literally one million of them in New York, and
all of them (OK, some of them) want to fuck. My personal Tinder message strategy upon matching with a Hot Millennial is immediately opening with just the sunglasses emoji. This indicates I'm probably cool and real good at fucking. It always results in a positive reply and almost always results in doing "It." If you use emoji technique properly, you might not even have to type or say words at any point (more on that here).
The pre-approved list (Pro Tip: Youths love lists) of Cool Emojis for Fucking Millennials:
1. Sunglasses (lets them know you're cool)
2. 100 (lets them know you "keep it 100," which is a very cool phrase that young people use)
3. Eggplant (the eggplant emoji is the one that looks the most like a penis, which lets them know you're down to have sex)
4. The girl who's like, "What?" (lets them know you're sassy, not afraid to look awkward, and random in a quirky way!)
5. Prayer hands (if someone tells you it's a high five emoji, they're a cop and definitely not a Hip Youth and you should definitely NOT have sex with them)
6. Fire (the only emoji to properly express a positive opinion)
7. The cancer astrology emoji that looks like the number 69 (the sex number)
8. Frog/warm beverage (Use both at once. Hip reference to the "That's None of My Business" meme wherein Kermit the Frog passive aggressively sips tea, a huge hit among youths who possess private parts)
9. Flexing arm (lets them know you live a very #fitspo lifestyle)
10. Winking face (obviously timeless since pre-emoji era)
Where to Hang Out With Cool Millennials and Then Fuck Them
If you can avoid going outside to meet someone to fuck and just judge online, great, but it can also be useful to go places where Hot Millennials congregate. Be one of the roughly 115,000 people at EDC Las Vegas, America's largest EDM (electronic dance music for you old fogies out there!) festival. Walk around with a flower crown. Regardless of gender or appearance, you will fuck within ten minutes of arrival. Find hip restaurants that have livestreams of tweets on a screen. Go to the restaurant, point at the screen, and say, "Now that's a good ass screen," immediately identifying yourself as the Coolest Millennial in the room. Go to the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine website, enter your zip code, and go to one of those places. If your date isn't impressed by a touchscreen soda fountain with hundreds of flavor possibilities, they're not a worthy lover. You could also go to Soulcycle. I don't know what that is exactly, but I hear about it a lot! Try saying "Soulcycle" in the mirror three times. If you do it right, a millennial will appear out of nowhere and fuck you.
Have Access to Somebody Else's Netflix/HBO Go/amazon prime/Hulu Plus Account
Any initial sexual encounter I've had within the past two years has been preceded by me pretending to peruse the menu of an online streaming service and eventually going, "Dang, I can't find anything. We should probably fuck." This is an easy, simple, and totally smooth move and it works every time. You may not have the courage to be direct, but you definitely have the courage to ask your friend for their aunt's ex-husband's cousin's HBO Go password.
The key here is to never actually pay a monthly fee and instead just know someone else's password. As every millennial knows, you're entitled to everything and should pay for nothing, ever. If you're paying for any of these services, you're not a real millennial, and are probably (again) a cop. Don't mention your borrowed account status, or else they might correctly assume you're broke. Instead, casually mention something about how it's totally your account. It might be a lie, but what is a lie other than the curation of reality? And if there's anything you should learn from this article, it's A.B.C.—Always Be Curating.
Keep Curating IRL
Once you've impressed your millennial via access to "your" premium streaming account, make sure to keep up the facade of your perfect life as long as possible to ensure the sex keeps happening. You've created the impression of a perfect life online; there's no need to take off that mask just because you're face-to-face. It's important to be yourself, but just be your perfect, much-better-than-actual-you online version of yourself. Mention how you've been busy working at a tech start-up. They'll assume it's an app or something. Just keep it vague and keep it moving. Answer all questions about "what you do" with "We've gotten seed money from some angel investors and have had talks with some pretty legit big-name VC firms, but I can't really talk about it yet."
Before the date, lend your hand-me-down-from-your-parents car to your friend Steve. Either at the beginning or end of the date, say, "I'm gonna get an Uber" and then pull your phone out and while it looks like you're in the process of ordering an Uber, text your friend Steve. He'll roll up in your car, but it'll look like you just paid for an Uber. You can only use this trick once in a night, but it's worth the four to 20 dollars you would have spent on an Uber. By faking control of your life, you project an image of godliness, and as we all know, God is the ultimate DILF.
OK, millennials. Get out there and have some sex!
Brandon is on Twitter.