If art is about sex—and it is—an art fair is an orgy. Of course, the most fertile ground is wherever New Art Dealers Alliance (NADA) touches down, bringing with it cycle after cycle of up-and-coming gallery talent. Held for the second year at Basketball City, this year's NADA New York was no cold fish; from Naama Tsabar's felt-and-guitar-string touch instruments, to Chloe Wise's pierced papaya sculpture, every sensation soft and hard had its own emissary. I even caught a bit of the art world basketball tournament outside, maybe the lowest-scoring series in history, but art girls love dudes in basketball shorts, and women rule the art world, and that's hot, so things were stewin'.
In this vein, The Creators Project mapped out the anatomy of the 17 sexiest artworks at NADA. 17 because, obviously.
1. Dale Lewis at Edel Assanti
Moms who lean back and let their kids figure it out have been erotica mainstays since at least Clytemnestra, the foursome in the back of this painting notwithstanding (too obvious). Also, this painting is 13 feet wide. If someone invites you back to their home and has art this big, you're a nihilist for not sticking around for a second drink.
2. Lisa Tiemann at fiebach, minninger
Ceramic, glaze, rubber: The "phone, keys, wallet," of a better bachelorette function.
3. Suzanne Lacy at Alden Projects
Between Lacy's "Eyes up here" gaze and the text down below, there's so much visual tension packed into this photo, I'm having chest pains writing about it.
4. Water McBeer's booth
By commissioning miniature works by Elizabeth Ferry, Jamien Juliano-Villani, Last Renissance, Annie Pearlman, Cosmo DeBrie, and Matthew Palladino and situating them inside a single, standing desk-sized booth, the elusive Water McBeer managed to assemble every crushing fetish at once.
5. Yael Kanarek at bitforms
When we're finally able to upload our consciousnesses and explore the web with avatars, every pair of hot dog legs on Instagram will be the Desert of the Real.
6. Davida Nemeroff at COOPER COLE
7. Matthew Chambers at FEUER/MESLER MESLER/FEUER
Everyone has a thing for Spandex, not everyone's man enough to admit it. They're sleek, made for soaking in sweat, and they bunch up in all the right places, you're just being weird about it—and that's hot, too. Kspxbai.
8. Daniel Boccato at FORMATOCOMODO
Say what you will about the fact that there were a couple nudes with birds at NADA, and I chose this one—getting naked with a box of Crayons is everything that one scene in Titanic wasn't.
9. Alexander Nolan at Galerie François Ceysson
DO: "A grown-ass man should be able to change a tire, drive stick, do CPR, set a bone, gut a fish, build a wall, throw a punch, shoot a gun, shotgun a beer, build a fire, run a barbecue, change a diaper, recite three lines from Animal House, light a fart, and give a massage."
I added that last part, but a grown-ass man should.
10. Erin Jane Nelson at Hester
The mediums used to make this read like Martha Stewart's Guide to Better Tentacle Porn. It's a good thing.
11. Pawel and Kosma Althamer at Institute of Contemporary Arts (London, UK)
According to historical record, crucifixes actually looked a lot more like uppercase letter "T," which is atrocious if you've ever watched a dog polish off a T-bone. Sacrilege = sexy.
12. Alphachanneling at Jack Hanley Gallery
I dream this every night.
13. Jamie Sneider at NEOCHROME
Q: What's sexier than a concrete bedpan? A: A concrete bedpan in a steel diaper.
14. Jennifer Chan at ltd lost angeles
Jennifer Chan's dudebod bedspread lets you sleep on belly of the beef.
15. David Armstrong Six at Parisian Laundry
The rubber boot that holds this piece together literally puts the "ass" in assemblage.
16. Ben Thorp Brown at Bischoff Projects
The artist Ben Thorp Brown 3D-printed an oyster shell in order to simulate what buying the aquatic delicacies might be like in a future where water resources have all but depleted. If natural aphrodesiacs and intimations of scarcity aren't your bag, honestly what are you doing at an art fair?
17. Sally Saul at the Landing
Granted, the only sexy thing about David and Charles is impending death, but this fanfic-worthy ceramic makes my Koch hard.
What turned you on at NADA New York? Tweet us everything: @CreatorsProject.