You could call Bartolo Colon a grower, not a shower if you wanted—maybe a late bloomer. But the cult-favorite Mets pitcher, at the ripe age of 42, hit his first career homer last night (making him the fifth oldest pitcher to do so since 1913) and it was delightful as all hell. I mean, it took him 31 seconds to round the base, for Christ's sake. Thirty-one! Savor it, big guy. Savor it.
Nyquist ran the final 1/4 mile in 25.7 seconds Bartolo Colon took nearly 31 seconds to round 4 bases
— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) May 8, 2016
Sure, you could say that it's taken Colon so long to mash his first taters because of his time in the AL—keeping him from swinging at all—but it feels like something we've all been praying for for a good, long minute. After witnessing this near-miracle, we can all safely say that the designated hitting is a stupid, stupid, stupid rule, and should be abolished forever. Why would we ever deny ourselves this sheer, unadulterated joy of watching Colon trot his majestic girth around the bases as his teammates' faces crack in half with shit-eating grins?
And—as if the story couldn't get better—despite being hit in the Padres' Petco Park, the ball was caught by a life-long Mets fan, and returned to Colon on the condition that the Mets win the World Series. It all clearly meant a lot to Colon. I mean, he even refused to let go of the bat as he made his way to first:
Fittingly, Topps decided to immortalize the moment with its own card to fit the occasion:
A measly card? Psh! There's plenty of space next to Lincoln's head on Rushmore.