Concessions Nightmares, Candied-Apple Beef Sandwich Edition

The @Indians + @delawarenorth are selling this new candied apple with short rib in the middle for ALCS. Boston, how you like them apples? pic.twitter.com/0HBdMiIzDT
— Big League Stew (@bigleaguestew) October 13, 2016

I honestly don't know what stadium concessions are even doing anymore. It seems like they are explicitly trolling people to go off on "back in my day you got a piece of shit hot dog and you were happy about it" takes, and today I am taking the bait. Because this thing is an outrage. It is an apple. Cut in half. Stuffed with thin-slice short rib. And then dipped in candy. It is a brisket sandwich on a candied apple. For some goddamned reason.

I think, at this point, it's clear that most of these things are created by a blind monkey just pointing wildly at a list of ingredients. As a test, I had my dog—who has both a refined palate and functioning eyesight—come up with a menu of her own, free of charge, for stadium concessions to start selling instead of monstrosities like these. I think the results speak for themselves.

• Caviar and Kraft singles (2%, yellow), served in a dirt-filled frisbee.
• Deep-fried bagel bites in a crushed rainbow sprinkles batter.
• Chicken fingers served with special sauce (BBQ sauce and Fluff lightly stirred together).
• Pigs in a blanket, but the pigs are raw and the blanket is duct tape.
• A standing water cocktail with newborn mosquito garnish.
• An old, chewed-up toy from behind the couch, slathered in creamy Alfredo sauce.
• Literal garbage.
• Mini quiche bites.