National Party vs Eminem: Five Defences That Are Foolproof-esque

In the rap world, everybody knows that you don't mess with Eminem. I don't say this because I live in the rap world. But I heard an interview with The Game and that's what he said. The fact is that Eminem's lyrical ability and vocal delivery is such that no other rapper ever wants to cross him.

And that's exactly what these New Zealand politicians have done. The National Party used a song called Eminem-Esque in a 2014 campaign commercial aimed at encouraging Kiwis to go rowing or wear blue singlets or something, and are now being sued by The Real Actual Legitimate Slim Shady. Our leaders have made an enemy of a virtuoso lyricist with unrivalled flow. This is a guy who can rhyme any two words in the English language. He rhymed orange with door hinge. Clearly these politicians need all the help they can get, we've come up with some foolproof-esque defences.

THE ROBIN THICKE DEFENCE
Also known as the "blame it on Pharrell defence". Robin Thicke used this one to sensational effect when Marvin Gaye's estate sued him over the creation of the hit 'Blurred Lines'. The defence involves two steps. First, National would need to prove that they were drunk and high on Vicodin when they approved the use of Eminem Esque. Then simply blame it on Pharrell.

TRAILER PARK DEFENCE
In case you didn't know we're in the middle of a housing crisis. With lyrics like I'm sorry Mama but this trailer has got to go, 'Lose Yourself' is the ultimate anthem for a society struggling to put a roof over its head. When Eminem discovers the National Party are putting hundreds of Kiwis up in motels every night to really fix the problem, he's bound to drop the mic, and the lawsuit. Bound to.

THE 'EMINEM ESQUE IS ART' DEFENCE
National can argue that music like Eminem Esque is in the public interest. Let's get serious. Anyone who has listened to Eminem Esque is forced to acknowledge the unsettling fact that…it's a tasty little number. You only need to listen to a couple of seconds to realise that this is no soundalike song. It's a goddamn soundalotbetter song. Those minimal lyrics (none). That seductive lack of substance. To refer to it, as composer Jeff Bass did, as 'Lose Yourself Lite' is to forget the precedent set by mayonnaise. Lite is better for you.

THE 'JUST CHANGE THE LAW' DEFENCE
National knows the best way to avoid breaking the law is to stop it breaking you. They can persuade parliament to amend local copyright legislation and pull out of international treaties. Or at least insert a 'three strikes' requirement so they've got some breathing space. That would leave room for the time they ripped Coldplay's Clocks in 2007 and Chariots of Fire in 1984. Actually, better make that 'four strikes.'

STEP INTO THE CYPHER
There's no better way for National to earn Em's respect than to engage him in the purest contest in all of music, outside of the duelling pianos. That's right. The rap battle.

Now fortunately for Em he's very good at rap battles. But fortunately for National, there's a sharp-minded, brave gangster within its ranks, who is fit to go head to head with the rap god. Ladies and Gentlemen, I humbly nominate Minister of Finance, Hon Steven Joyce.

Joyce has clear potential as a rapper, and a quick comparison draws many similarities with Eminem. Joyce started his career in radio. So did Eminem. Both men enjoy making paper. Eminem raps straight from the top of his dome. Joyce also has a powerful dome. Eminem had a hit with Dido. Joyce got hit with a dildo. The list goes on.

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