What to Expect From Justin Bieber Now That He Has Dreadlocks

Including a follow-up single to "Sorry" called "Sorry If Your Feelings Were Hurt, But I'd Be Much More Receptive to What You're Saying If You Came to Me from a Place of Compassion."

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Apr 5 2016, 3:00pm

Via Instagram

Justin Bieber has dreads now. We all have to contend with that reality. On April 3, he showed off his new 'do on Instagram, just days after a video of a SF State student getting confronted for his white boy dreads went viral. We can only assume that the Bieber is trying to undo any goodwill he earned for "Sorry."

Bieber's look always correlates directly with his behavior. When he first arrived on the scene, his perfectly manicured bowl cut was symptomatic of an equally well-groomed persona. Then he started acting and dressing like a huge turd. We can only assume that the dreads are the tip of a patchouli-scented iceberg of bad decisions. We've known many crunchy softboys who have walked the open-toed path of getting dreads while white, so we want to prepare for what's coming next for Justin:

  • Going vegan
  • Hundreds of woke tweets
  • A stick and poke tattoo of a pizza or some shit
  • Trainhopping stories that may or may not have happened
  • Insisting that your personal space isn't important, because humans communicate through touch, so it's like oppressive if you don't want to be hugged
  • New extended jam version of "Baby," now with 150 percent more mandolin
  • Craft beer obsession
  • Whole chunks of Walden left as status updates
  • Compost toilet on the tour bus
  • Incessant references to the "mainstream media"
  • That kind of yoga where you breathe like you're snoring
  • "Technology is allegedly bringing us together, but really we're farther apart than ever."

  • Making his own shoes out of duck tape
  • Playing the digeridoo, calling it "the didge"
  • A follow-up single to "Sorry" called "Sorry If Your Feelings Were Hurt, But I'd Be Much More Receptive to What You're Saying If You Came to Me from a Place of Compassion"
  • Playing Bob Marley with an acoustic guitar
  • Tone arguments
  • "I'm like a modern Don Quixote, and this concrete jungle is my windmill."
  • Calling soccer "football"
  • Insisting on eye contact during sex
  • Insisting on eye contact while practicing devil sticks
  • Rearranging tour dates to follow Phish
  • Comparing environmental devastation to sexual assault no matter how many survivors tell you to cut that shit out
  • Noam Chomsky doc and chill

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