Fan Throws Popcorn At MLS Player Before Being Aggressively Taken Down By Stewards

What is the thought process of a man who decides to throw popcorn at a professional footballer? What exactly goes through that man's mind as he gathers up a handful of fluffy kernels and hurls them impotently at a distant foe? How can a human being possibly bear the indignity of being caught on camera, petulantly showering an adversary with the least effective missiles known to man?

Ask this gentleman, for he knows the answer to those questions all too well.

In the middle of Wednesday's MLS match between Sporting Kansas City and the Vancouver Whitecaps, one fan decided to accost Kansas substitute Dom Dwyer as he warmed up on the sidelines. Words were exchanged, with the effect that the supporter became enraged by a perceived slight to his honour. With nothing on his person apart from a bucket of popcorn, he decided his only recourse was to weaponise his overpriced half-time snack by chucking a load of it straight at Dwyer's face.

FIGHT AT THE GAME TONIGHT FAN GETS TAKEN OUT AFTER DWYER & FAN GET INTO IT#MLS @SportingKC VS @WhitecapsFC pic.twitter.com/yNKjqXQ1LV
— CRUSH THE BOOKIE (@crushthebookie) April 28, 2016

The thing is, there's a reason that you rarely hear of popcorn-related injuries. Owing to the fact that it is soft, puffy and in no way aerodynamic, popcorn tends to make an extremely poor projectile. Even at short distance, a handful of popcorn to the face is more likely to act as a pleasant exfoliant than an agent of lethal destruction. At long distance, it is almost completely useless.

The fan in question stands a reasonably long distance from his target. Accordingly, despite his best efforts, the vast majority of the popcorn drifts feebly to the floor before it gets anywhere near Dwyer; it is but an ineffectual puff of anger dissipating into the uncaring void. If there is one defining image that epitomises the powerlessness of man, it is the image of an MLS enthusiast trying to harm another human being using only a fistful of sugary dust.

The intrinsic pathos of this moment is only compounded when, having witnessed his ludicrous behaviour, two stewards tackle the fan to the floor and wrestle him into submission. All the while, fellow MLS supporters whoop and cheer. One even shouts "TAKE HIM DOWN" as if he's some sort of popcorn insurgent, a guerilla fighter armed only with a burning sense of injustice and an arsenal of lukewarm Butterkist.

He fought for freedom, he fought for justice, he fought with popcorn – and he paid a bloody high price.