There's nothing more tragic than a conventionally attractive white woman angrily and tearfully saying "I brought this bottle from Des Moines" to her nemesis in front of the object of both of their affections, but that's exactly what Kelsey Weier, a former Miss Iowa, did on last night's episode of The Bachelor. And it led to one of the greatest, weirdest, most sexually suggestive moments in the reality show's history.
Here's the setup: The scandal being referred to as "Champagne Gate" kicked off when Megyn Kelly look alike Kelsey set up a romantic spot for her and Bachelor Peter Weber, a boyish pilot who is famous for smashing into former Bachelorette Hannah Brown four times whilst in a windmill, to get to know each other, laying out candles and a bottle of Champagne imported all the way from Des Moines in front of a fireplace. She had already spent time in a bathroom sobbing her eyes out over time with Peter that she felt was stolen from her; then, here comes Knoxville-bred, corn-fed model Hannah Ann Sluss. Hannah Ann took Peter away, parked herself down in Kelsey's horny romance novel set-up, then popped the apparently very special bottle of bubbly. When Kelsey heard the pop go off in the distance, her eyes immediately flashed red and the mark of the beast appeared on her forehead. She quickly discovered that her suspicions were correct and Hannah Ann had, indeed, stolen her special bottle of bubbly, even though she vehemently denied it. Fuming, she ripped into Hannah Ann, demanded Hannah Ann "Bring Tammy here!" to serve as a character witness in her case, and stormed off, spiraling in fury, even knocking over another Champagne bottle and some flutes. In an effort to ease her consternation, Peter opened the bottle for them to share to the cheers of a bunch of contestants. Yay! A happy ending!
Except, not. Here's where the beautiful, beautiful moment of premium reality television truly climaxed.
In what appears to be an effort to come off like a totally chill cool girl after having a full meltdown over Champagne, Kelsey said she'd drink straight out of the bottle. However, the bottle clearly had been shaken a bit when she knocked it over. "I'm not a classy bitch all of the time, so it's fine," she cooed flirtatiously, with a wiggle of her shoulders—a line she had clearly rehearsed in her head for at least three seconds. But what followed… dear god, what followed. Well, this is what followed.
Yes, it looks exactly like what you think it looks like. If you're not sure what we could be alluding to, fire up Google and type in "facial, sex." We can wait.
Welcome back. Anyway, the stars and moon and gods and messy-ass Bachelor producers aligned to give us this moment that we have and will continue to replay over and over again. Is it kind of immature? Yes, and who cares. Poor Kelsey just can't catch a break, and we, the viewers, reaped all the benefits. This is why we watch this trash show. This is why we watch reality TV as a whole. Moments like these make it all worthwhile.