Learn how to dress for success, or at least how to hide the fact that you are a premature ejaculator.
That's me, Wilbert, stunting with Rocky's iPhone
I wake up every morning at, like, 7 AM with wood so stiff it hurts and breath so bad I'm quietly ashamed of myself. The first order of business, after rubbing one out really quick, is putting on a dope record and picking out some fresh shit to wear.
The first jam of the morning is crucial because it sets a precedent for the rest of the day. Like if I listen to Sade, I'll have a chubby until lunch time. Or if I listen to N.W.A., I'll start an argument with Music Editor Kelly McClure about the inherent racism of candy—like why is black licorice the only flavor that taste like a hobo's open ass? Once I get something on the turntable—lately it's been Charles Mingus's Ah Um—I turn to my poorly put together Ikea wardrobe for something to rock.
A lot of people think that I spend a ton of time picking my outfits, probably because they don't spend any dressing themselves. The truth is, despite this whole "Men's Fashion Revolution" bullshit that old people keep writing about, most dudes still look like Hank Hill when they leave the crib—dad jeans and pit-stained t-shirts. It's not that I'm fashion-obsessed, it's that most dudes are fashion retarded. But that's kind of why I'm here with this column, to give you all some tips on how I get fresh so that maybe you'll be inspired to ditch that dress-shoes-with-jeans shit you do when you go on OkCupid dates.
In a lot of ways, there is an interplay between what I'm listening to and what I wear—sometimes I want to be The Soulful Moods Marvin Gaye and sometimes I want to be Sexual Healing Marvin Gaye. To me style isn't about being yourself—I'm a guy who has clumpy deodorant under his arms and still watches cartoons EVERY SINGLE DAY—it's about playing dress-up and projecting an image that you think is cool. So, I've picked a couple of records that I think are great and paired them up with shit that I wear. Hopefully this twee selection will inspire you to listen to better tunes and hide the fact that you are premature ejaculator. Follow my lead and in no time you'll be the posterchild of excellence, style, good taste, and big-balled masculinity.
Jimmy Cliff's The Harder They Come X Comme Des Garçon Shirt Shirt
A lot of boring white people don't "get" reggae—these are the same dweebs who wear all-black all the time. That shit is lame. Everyone—even poor melanin deficient folk—should have some color in their wardrobe and some reggae on their turntable. Don't let the bright colors and upbeat grooves fool you. Jimmy Cliff's music isn't some shit you listen to while you're enjoying an ice cream sundae or eating pussy. If you have any testosterone floating in your ballsacks, you'll be punching some form of authority before the title track of this legendary movie soundtrack is over. This Comme shirt is the same thing for me, because it takes some stones to do the whole color-blocking thing. Especially when juicing bros wearing Ed Hardy shirts will try to pull your hoe-card for standing out an looking like a "faggot." When a hater comes at you the wrong way for wearing an extremely expensive and beautifully designed colored shirt, just put yourself in a Rasta-rude-boy-dude state of mind—minus the stupid religion and bad hygiene.
Liturgy's Aesthetica X Vintage Karzai Glasses
I like Liturgy because they seem to piss a lot of people off. These glasses have that same effect. They're kind of divisive because they are really gold and really gaudy. But that's when things are at their best, right? When they are pure and uninhibited. Liturgy is exciting to me because they came on the scene so fully formed and extreme in their musical mission. These glasses are dope because there's no half-ways about them, every aspect of these frames is over the top "lick my scrotum" status.
The Beatles's The Beatles X Common Projects Achilles Mids
I always want to pontificate on how the Beatles are overrated, then I actually put a record on, like their self-titled album, and I feel stupid. The Beatles are omnipresent, so it's easy to forget that they weren't just the most popular group of their time, they were one of the most experimental and exciting. Common Projects are the same way. After walking through Brooklyn and seeing a bunch of okie-doke looking guys wearing flannel and these sneakers, you start to take them for granted. But put your crusty hooves in a pair of plush leather CP joints and there is no denying why they are the go-to shoe brand for any dude remotely interested in having a pair of "nice" sneakers.
Note: Don't baby your sneakers, kids. White kicks are like any good sexual partner, they always look better covered in a few layers of gunk. Plus, no one likes a dude who is precious with their clothes. They're meant to be worn, not mummified.
John Coltrane's A Love Supreme X Patrik Ervell Antique Grey Jeans
If my editor Kelly lets me keep doing this column, you guys will see a ton of Patrik Ervell stuff because I'm his biggest dick rider ever—flat out. I had to stop myself from buying his clothes because I'm poor and I don't want to look like a shorter, goofier version of one of his runway models. To be creative in your style, you gotta mix things up a bit. Which is why it is kind of sad that I have these pants in, like, four different colors. But they fit so damn well and are good for any occasion. A Love Supreme is kind of like that. It's just one of those immaculately put-together records that is appropriate at anytime, because it runs through a host of emotions from the deepest lows to the highest highs. I think it might be the best record of the ones I've talked about this week, and these pants are definitely my favorite item of the ones I've discussed. They even have a silk lining, which is so fancy that I feel guilty every time I fart or have swamp ass.
Hopefully, I'll see you next week. Tell my editor Kelly McClure that you want me to do this again by liking, sharing, and commenting at the bottom.