I Got Cocaine Blown Up My Ass So You Don't Have To

When the internet was suddenly abuzz with rumors that getting a friend to blow coke up your ass with a straw was worth the trouble, I had to see if I'd been doing it wrong all this time. After all, blow doesn't come with instructions.

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Sep 3 2014, 7:00am

Photos courtesy of the author

If drugs are your thing, 2014 is a great time to be alive. The US seems to be full steam ahead on inevitable marijuana legalization, Vermont is now looking at heroin abuse as a health problem rather than a criminal offense, and the public stigma of using harder party drugs seems to fade day by day. But with this new frontier of drug Perestroika comes a new set of challenges, and for some users, the chief among those seems to be boredom with the old delivery methods.

In a recent lengthy thread on an infamous and private Facebook group for women in Southern California, users mentioned getting cocaine blown—literally blown, not inserted—up their butts. According to the young lady who started the discussion, she would "never do coke the old way again." Others responded, days later, extolling the pleasures of this new approach. "It hits you faster." "The numbness." "A more intense high." I had to dig deeper and see if this was just an isolated incident or if it was, in fact, a trend on the rise.

Sure enough, googling "coke up butt" took me right to this LiveLeak video (NSFW) of a young lady in Rothbury, Michigan, at the Electric Forest music festival, having a young man blow a straw-full of cocaine into her anus. Sadly, despite the completely chaste nature of the act filmed, many of the tags for the video contained pejoratives like "whore" and "skank." More importantly, the upload date was July 16 of this year! Not long after that, hundreds of people talked about it on Reddit in a post titled "Is it ok to blow cocaine up a girls ass?"

The trail was hot.

A simplified form of the practice has existed for ages, and it even has its own slang term, "boofing," but it never seemed like something I would try. I'd always dismissed it as the kind of schoolyard rumor perpetuated by kids who will believe anything, or occasionally as just one short chapter in someone's myriad anal adventures. Suddenly, though, It was being discussed as a fad.

The existing literature on the subject didn't include the blowing method. Some people said they got off from the numbness alone, or would be fucked after the numbness took effect. Others just wanted a new way to get high. But while there were somewhat detailed instructions, the preferred method seemed to be mixing a tiny bit of water with two snorts' worth of powder, and using an oral medication syringe to get the mixture up there. I decided I needed a professional opinion.

I called the Kaiser Permanente Media Relations team for a physician's viewpoint, and a very nice woman named Kate spoke with me. I asked her about it and she fell silent. "I know it's funny," I said, hoping the conversation could recover, "but I just want to understand the possible health effects on a more fundamental level."

"I'd say it's more sad actually," Kate replied.

"Oh. Yeah. That's the word I should've used. Sad."

Overall, Kate was extremely helpful and promised to contact all the gastroenterologists to see if anyone would weigh in. A week later she informed me that Kaiser would be "passing on this opportunity." I can hardly blame them. They're a large healthcare organization. Could I really have pictured them having a position on something called "boofing?"

Still, the internet had spoken. I had to try it.

Right before zero hour, I showered and scrubbed like I'd never done before in my life. My assistant (who shall remain anonymous) was wonderful enough to volunteer her time and lack of squeamishness for this experiment. The least I could do was give her an immaculately sterilized field of operations. I had looked up how anal porn stars prepped for a scene to make sure no dookie made an appearance, but an enema seemed a bit like overkill so I made do with a bunch of cupped handfuls of water in the shower.

I prepared the three methods described online. First, we'd attempt blowing the coke up my butt through a tube with lung power. Second, I'd mix a bit of water with the powder and inject the solution into my colon using a liquid syringe. Finally, I'd try just poking some dry powder right up there with my finger. My assistant, a virgin to cocaine herself, wouldn't ever need to touch the stuff.

For the first method we used a plastic tampon applicator as the tunnel, both for ease of insertion, and because I feared no mere plastic straw could stand up to the strength of my clench. I started by chopping up approximately one third of a gram of blow into what I considered normal sized lines. It had been a while since I'd used this stuff in the more traditional sense, so I erred on the side of shorter lines. I spooned two lines into the applicator, careful not to tip it too far, lest the powder spill out the slits of the domed end.

We got the tip in me without any real difficulty. We let our laughter subside a bit and put on our game faces. She took a breath and blew into the Tampax tube. Had we the slightest bit of understanding of aerodynamics, we'd have been fully prepared for what happened next, which was the dead end of my rectum forcing the blown air to turn around and exit the side of the tube it came from.

"That didn't work. And, my lips are very numb," she said. "I think the coke went into my mouth."

This may have been the most unique first time coke experience for anyone ever.

I let myself wait for a bit to see if I felt anything. Perhaps some of the coke had found its way in me after all. It was supposed to hit in about 20 seconds. Much more quickly than with inhalation. But I wasn't feeling anything, so we moved on to round two.

I scooped two lines into the un-stoppered barrel of a baby medicine syringe. After adding a tiny bit of water and shaking up the whole solution, we put the plunger back in and slid the head of the syringe into my bum. This time it worked. Once the plunger was fully depressed, the thankfully empty syringe came back out and I instinctively shook my ass around like we were in a Looney Tunes cartoon. I guess I wanted the solution to fully coat all exposed surface areas of my rectum walls.

Success! I was chatty and a little sweaty a minute later. My assistant was enjoying her own high at that point. "My teeth are numb! How long will this last? This tastes so weird!" I was determined to give her a typical coke high experience, so we rode out the buzz with some lively discussion about the issues of the day, the representation of women in video games, and how we should totally, like, go camping some time, y'know?

Once I was on enough of a comedown that I'd be able to judge the efficacy of the third, and crudest, method, I pinched the final line between my thumb and finger, and pressed the powder into my balloon knot. Coke (of course) spilled onto the carpet, and I stood there like an idiot, afraid to pull my pants back up, lest more of the stuff decide it wasn't going to stay up there. I suddenly realized that it probably wasn't the only time during this process that I looked like an idiot.

My butthole got numb, and I felt a little re-up from the drug. But I was mostly ready to be done with this. I was antsy and uncomfortable. I felt like the teaspoon of water from that mixed solution was going to leak out of me at any moment like a 1990s-era Olestra discharge, and my anesthetized asshole wouldn't be able to tell. Coke can make you have to shit as it is.

In the end, my high was no more significant than when I opt for the more orthodox approach, so the effort-to-payoff ratio is wildly lopsided. Who needs a Rube Goldberg-style delivery method when snorting will give you the same results? Maybe the girls from that original Facebook thread were just excited to be early adopters. Maybe they were having a laugh, and I ended up becoming the joke for trying it myself. Maybe I have a broken ass, and am doomed to never fully tap into the sensory pleasure center that others have there. Whatever the reason, coke up the ass is not worth the trouble.

If it ain't broke...

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More on drugs:

This Is How Europe Takes Drugs in 2014

Meet the British Police Trying to Decriminalise Drugs

I Do Drugs Because Doing Drugs Is Fun

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