We Asked Comedian Ron Funches What Happens When You Die

Photos by Megan Koester

Ron Funches is perhaps the most delightful comedian working today, and he always steals the show no matter where he appears—be it on NBC's Undateable, Comedy Central's @midnight, or Kroll Show. His warmth envelops you in a comedy bear-hug, his mind a Wonka-esque chocolate factory for which we all have a golden ticket. I caught up with him since he's performing this Wednesday with VICE Los Angeles writers in Silver Lake, but I didn't want to ask him the same old comedian-origin-story questions. Instead, I decided to try to get to know him better by asking him a big question, and the biggest question I could think of was, what happens when you die?

VICE: So let’s just go for it, right away. Big question: What do you think happens when you die?
Ron Funches: I don’t know. I mean, that’s probably the easiest answer.

Right?
Interview over.

Thank you for your time.
I don’t know. Who knows for sure? What do you mean, like, is there an afterlife, or…?

Everybody’s been told stuff. Let’s start with this: Of all the theories you’ve heard, which is the one that you hope is true?
[Laughter] Of all the theories that I’ve heard… the one I hope is true is that this is more like the dream of life, or the test of life, and that our real lives are still ahead and we haven’t lived them yet. We’ve just kind of learned and grown and proven to ourselves that we’re capable enough and open enough to move to another level. Less about ending or dying, and more about metamorphosis.

Right, so the circular idea of it, like you’ve got to get this one right and then move on to the next one. You go from Charmander to Charizard.
Yeah, exactly. That’s what I hope it is. I hope I get to become a better Pokémon, but I still want to stay cute like my original form. That’s what I hated about the evolved Pokémon. They got ugly.

They got more powerful, but with that power, they got scary. That’s what Pokémon teaches: Power corrupts. Which of the theories have you heard that you’re like, Oh, man, I hope that does not happen.
Well, probably the traditional Christian one, like, I made too many bad decisions and didn’t repent and then I go to hell. If that’s true, then that’s probably where I’m going. But I don’t think that’s true. I’m not really worried about it.

Have you ever had religion pounded into you?
Yeah, I mean, I went to Catholic school for the first eight grades.

Oh, man. What was that like?
It was just weird in the fact that you had to go to church all the time. But it was just a weird mix of it also being an inner-city school, so it was, like, trying to get everyone to be super calm and churchy, but then everyone was also smoking weed and having fights and stuff. It was just a weird mix, and mostly it introduced me to religion young enough to be like, I don’t know if this is right. I mean, I don’t feel like I should dislike someone just because they’re gay, or that I should have to pray for them to change. That never rang true for me, even as a child, when you’d think I’d be more susceptible. But I was just like, That doesn’t seem right!

You could just cut right through it.
Yeah, I thought you were supposed to love everybody? And now there are these weird conditions on it.

Did you ever have the fear of the fire, of being a good boy, or did you immediately just see right through it?
When I was very young, I probably worried about it. Worried about making sure I didn’t do anything that made… If God was actually watching me, that was a scary idea, that somebody could see me at all time but wouldn’t help me if I needed something.

He’s just there like the worst referee, to blow the whistle every time you mess up.
“I’ll allow it.” [Laughter.]

For me, I think the closest that we, in Western civilization, get to confronting the idea of death is hallucinogens. What is your experience with hallucinogens?
I don’t have the biggest experience with them. My drug intake has been limited to, like, pot and mushrooms. I like mushrooms a lot. They’re fun; they’re helpful. I feel like they’re calming, and they help me remove the human emotions of being fearful or protective of my day-to-day environment and look more at the grand picture of things and be like, Oh, I’m OK. That’s always good. Every day feels like I’m a rat in this maze, and I can’t see what turn I need to go to, and then you take mushrooms, and you get lifted up above the maze and you see if you go this, this, and this way, you know you’re OK. Or you go, “I’m not OK! I’ve been messing up!” I always feel like that’s a good thing. It’s like getting your oil checked to make sure your car is running OK.

Right, every couple thousand miles you’ve got to take a handful of psilocybin.
Mmhm. Just to make sure everything is OK, on the right path.

In those experiences, have you ever confronted something really dark? You hear a lot of people say, “I thought I was going to die. I thought I was dead.” Have you ever confronted that? You seem like you have a pretty naturally cheery disposition.
I’m always more fearful of what I’m hiding. What’s going to come out that I haven’t wanted to come out? It’s always been fears, and I think I remember a time where me and Rory [Scovel] and a bunch of people did mushrooms, and Rory flipped out and thought he was dead. When I was taking care of Rory I thought, I want to take care of my son, and I can take care of my son but I don’t necessarily need to be married. I think I’ve had some insights like that where it’s like, I’m only doing some things because I feel like I need to do them. There’s definitely been some major things that have happened, but nothing where I felt like a demon baby.

That’s interesting. So having to take care of a friend who is tripping on mushrooms and then realizing, like, Oh, this is like a child.
Yeah.

What was that process like in your head, when you came to that realization that you didn’t have to be married to be a good dad?
It was just that I mostly had a fear of, like, if I’m not around him every day then I’m not taking care of him. But I realized there’s a lot of different ways to take care of people. I guess, when I was with Rory, I was just learning that he needed this and he needed that right now, and I thought, This is just like my son. And that’s all I like to do. It was a big deal, but I’m always still fearful. So who knows?

Have you ever had a close call? For example, I was driving, and a semi truck ran me off the road, and that was a very scary moment where I was just like, Well, if this happens, it happens. Have you had that moment where you looked death in the face?
No. Nothing like that in particular. Other than the time when I had a staph infection in my face. People were like, “You might die,” but it was more like, “It’s 60–40 that you won’t, but you could.” So it wasn’t like, Oh, I’m going to die. I’ve never had anything like that.

Even with the staph infection, did you make peace with the idea, or did you just focus on the 60 percent and not the 40 percent?
I think I just kind of floated through it. It was painful, and I vomited all the time. I was either vomiting or sleeping. So I didn’t really pay much attention to what was going on at all. But then, obviously, those things tend to refocus you on what’s at the basis and what’s important. I thought, I’m me, these are the things I love to do, and these are the people who love me. Sometimes you lose sight of that.

What were those important things that you found?
I just love to do comedy! I love doing that. I love taking care of my son and being around him and having fun. And that’s it. Even if I don’t call them enough or spend enough time with them, my parents will get a hold of me if they think I’m going to die. So that’s good to remember. Mostly it’s just like, the things that I like to do are be on stage and have fun in general. That’s it. Those are the things that nobody can make you not do.

Being a parent yourself, how do you look at your parents now, since you’ve become a parent?
I’m more forgiving, probably. [Laughter.] It’s difficult, and you’ve got to make weird decisions, and sometimes no matter what you do, there’s just new pressures that you didn’t understand before. There’s a definite difference between, like, I’ve got to make sure I eat today and I’ve got to make sure this guy eats today. It’s a whole different thing. With the first one, it’s just like, Whatever, I didn’t eat today. But no, he has to eat. So it’s understanding what that feels like. I think that’s about it. I still am like, they made some weird decisions, but some of them taught me how to go the other way. Where it’s like, you wanted to do some things that felt like you should do and you didn’t because you were like, I have to do it this way to be safe. And I’m like, Well, that didn’t really work out for us. So I try to do it this way, and hopefully this will work out. It seems like it’s still 50–50.

Not 60–40?
OK, maybe 60/40, going the right way.

What is the worst advice you’ve ever heard about parenting, and what’s the best advice you could give?
Worst advice… I think the worst advice I ever got about parenting or just in general was someone was like, “Now that you’ve got a kid, you’ve got to go out there and get your nine-to-five and get your 401(k).” And I did all of that, and then I flipped out. I mean, that isn’t going to be what I do. Every family is an individual family, and you know what works best for your family, and what works best for your family isn’t what works best for someone else. You just have to do what’s right for you. I think I’m the best parent for my son that he could have. I don’t know if I’m the best parent for another kid, but I’m good at being a buddy and sometimes being forceful, but mostly being a buddy and being very…

This kid, his diet mostly consists of hamburgers and fries and pizza and slurpees, and if you tried to make him eat something else, it’s not going to happen. He just can’t do it, texture-wise. His mouth doesn’t want it. And he needs a parent who understands that and will also put gummy vitamins down his throat and make sure that he’s OK, and not saying, “You have to eat broccoli.” If he had to eat broccoli, he’d starve. Just knowing your kid and loving your kid. Just because your friends have kids and they want to tell you how to do this, or they’re doing that, I mean, that might not work for your kid.

That seems like great advice all around.
Yeah, yeah.

Just learn about your son. I mean, it goes back to all the things you were told by the Catholic school. Like, “This is how it is!” and you were like, “I don’t know; I like people.” To like people, you have to know people. And to know people, you do some mushrooms, and then you know yourself and you know other people.
Yeah, and I feel like in general, the best clothing is tailored clothing, because everyone is a different size. No one looks good in one-size-fits-all stuff. You have to tailor your life as well. That’s what’s going to work best for you. You can say, “This works best,” but tweak it a little. That’s just how it is. Up late, go to bed late, make it work. We do fun stuff. It’s fun.

It seems like within the last few months, you’ve really started going. You’re on an NBC show, you’re doing late night, got a half hour on Comedy Central—you’re doing cool shit. What’s been the biggest change?
Hm… I guess just not having to calculate my food budget. That’s been the biggest change. I have a little bit less stress in that regard, and that’s been freeing to my comedy, to not have to go to a gig and be like, “I need to get this check and deposit this check today so that I can get back home.” That’s been the biggest change. It’s more relaxing, and I think it’s better for my art. Just being able to look at my son and be like, “Oh, you’re out of shoes? Your shoes are dirty? Let’s go buy you shoes,” rather than, “Let me double-check that we can buy you shoes.” I mean, I don’t have anything extravagant, but I can buy shoes. That’s fine. That’s what I need.

You don’t need a boat.
No, I just need some shoes.

Hamburgers and some shoes.
Yeah. I didn’t even know that the hamburger budget was in place.

That seems like the perfect level of making money in show business: having the hamburger budget in place.
Yeah, we’re set. [Laughter.]

So what’s the next thing for you? Is Undateable being picked up? Do you know?
I don’t know. It looks like another 60–40. It could come back, but the last three are this Thursday—they’re going to play three in a row—and off of that we’ll hear that week. So we’ll find out. Trying to write more stuff for myself, more stand-up. Trying to get better. I’m just constantly doing that, and trying to layer new jokes and have new material.

You’re just going from Charmander to Charizard.
Yeeeeeah!

But trying to stay cute.
Trying to stay cute and evolve. But not too cute, so I can have sex.

Charmander doesn’t really seem like the kind of dude who would get laid.
Yeah, yeah. But like, look at you: You’re fine, and you’re covered in a kitty shirt.

I’m just cute enough.
You’re also rugged in a way.

I think you’re rugged as well.
Thank you. I got called handsome by a lady today, but she was like 50.

Was she cute?
Yeah, she was all right! We’ve got a date.

You got a date?
[Laughter.] No. She was rugged.

The lady at Foot Locker? You’re just into women in uniform.
Referees.

Follow Josh Androsky on Twitter and see Ron Funches live in Los Angeles this Wednesday night.