Republicantics - Herman's Head

Hey there, conservatrons! I'm Sara Benincasa, VICE's GOP analyst and the biggest Republifangirl of them all. We're down to the wire, one day before the big Florida primary, and it's entirely possible that after this contest we'll have at least one fewer candidate to adore. But one thing is for sure—thanks to an endorsement from America's Sexiest Boss, Mr. Herman Cain, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is in this for the long haul!

That's right, my fellow Amurrricans: the most important political figure in the history of the world, former pizza maestro Herman Cain, has at long last weighed in with his pick for the next president of the United States. And as the old adage says, "As Herman Cain goes, so goes the nation."

And how did the most important conservative thinker since William F. Buckley, Jr. go about announcing his choice? Well, he surprised everyone (from behind, obvs) at a West Palm Beach GOP dinner on Saturday night. And while the future Panty-Melter-in-Chief grinned by his side, Herman Cain said the words we've all been longing to hear: "I hereby officially and enthusiastically endorse Newt Gingrich for president of the United States." Of course the crowd went apeshit, because there has not been a bigger moment in politics since Nixon's Checkers speech, probably.

Cain also added that Gingrich has been through a "sausage grinder," which sounds sexy and fun to me! But then, like all women everywhere, I'm inclined to feel a bit weak in the knees and damp in the undergarments whenever I think about Newt and any remotely phallic object. When he becomes president, every woman in America is going to have a spontaneous orgasm each time he signs a bill with one of those long, hard presidential pens!

Now of course, the unbelievers over at The Huffington Post managed to dig up a few fringe lunatics who disagree with Herman. These jerks don't believe Newt can win this thing and unseat Communist Dictator-in-Chief Barack NOBAMA (see what I did there? Who says conservatives don't have a sense of humor?).

"'If Newt had won Florida then he might have been able to become the frontrunner, but that's not what's happened,' Charlie Black, a veteran Republican political consultant and a Washington lobbyist, told The Huffington Post. 'Romney's going to win it and have great momentum going into a friendly calendar.'…'I think you will see Newt lose his national lead soon, and [he] has no place in the short term to recover momentum,' said Matthew Dowd, a political strategist who worked for former President George W. Bush. "

Now as I make clear each and every week in this column, I love all the Republican candidates equally, as they are all gods sent to the world in human form to teach us lessons about compassion, love, and taxes. But the truth is that I love Newt's marshmallowy torso a little more than any of the others. And I have this to say to the so-called "veteran Republican political consultant" and "political strategist" who provided those naysaying quotes to HuffPo: Come tomorrow night, you're gonna be eating your words. I believe Newtles will prove just as irresistible to the people of Florida as he has been to no fewer than three—yes, three!—Mrs. Gingriches.

After all, Herman Cain don't endorse no junk. I mean, have you ever had Godfather's Pizza? It's cheeselicious!

@SaraJBenincasa

Previously – Newt's Needs