Quantcast
Guy Raps So Terribly Judge Sends Him to Jail

OK, death threats against an ex, possession of crystal meth, and breach of a court order helped earn this dude a 32-day sentence, but his rapping is mostly to blame.

Screencap via Soundcloud

Read: Did Bernie Sanders Basically Predict the Panama Papers in 2011?

It's been an exciting couple weeks for middle-aged Canadians' terrible crimes against hip-hop.

In the case of one man's severely unlistenable rap about smoking meth and murdering his ex-girlfriend, said crimes have actually landed him in a Kamloops jail for 32 days.

Earlier this week Colin Goddard—a.k.a. Buzzbomb for the two people following his Soundcloud account—pleaded guilty to uttering threats, possession of crystal meth, and breaching a court order.

The track in question, paired with Windows 95 screensaver graphics, cuts right to the chase identifying his ex-girlfriend of five years.

"This goes out to the heartless bitch that stole my fucking kid from me," he begins. "You're dead to me bitch."

Goddard then gets pretty specific about his murder pregame:

It's time for the situation to be addressed
This is how I'm going to manifest
Your death
When I'm high on crystal meth

And of course, no Marshall Mathers–esque murder fantasy is complete without a healthy dose of victim blaming:

You're the one that's turned me in
To this assassin
That's now rappin'
About what is going to happen
If you don't let me see my kid

"You should be rightly ashamed," Judge Chris Cleaveley told the defendant. Of his crimes, sure, but more so of his quote-unquote rap career.

Goddard will serve 30 days for the threats, and one day each for failing to report for probation and holding four grams of meth in 2015. He'll also serve a six-month probation, including some counseling.

Even Goddard's defense lawyer Renzo Caron admitted his client seriously failed to bite early 2000 Eminem's style. "Any artistic motive was inappropriate," he told Kamloops This Week.

Follow Sarah on Twitter.