Sergio Ramos Makes Monumental Humblebrag About Sex and the Champions League Final

Sex, amirite? That thing we do to for a fleeting moment of pleasure, and sometimes to procreate. That thing we do in the bedroom, or in the living room, or in the alleyway behind our local O'Neill's because we've met someone nice but we can't take them home because we don't want them to know we still live with our mums. That thing we do with women, with men, but mainly with ourselves. That thing we watch other people doing on the television, or by the cold, blue light of our computer monitors, or sometimes in special purpose cinemas with other like-minded sex watchers. That thing we do in our imaginations, in our fantasies, and in our most febrile dreams.

For the vast majority of us, sex in our imaginations is much better than in real life. Imaginary sex is glamorous and erotic, while actual sex includes all sorts of awkwardness and the occasional fart noise. For first-time sex, take that description and times it by a thousand. First-time sex is like being forced to operate heavy machinery at gunpoint; you feel dangerously malcoordinated, stressed to the point of breaking out in a cold sweat, perennially on the verge of tears, and likely to lose a major appendage at any moment.

First-time sex is awful, dispiriting and ultimately quite upsetting. Unless you're Sergio Ramos, that is.

Ahead of the Champions League final this weekend, Sergio Ramos has spoken about his first experience of winning football's most prestigious club competition. That was in 2014, when Real Madrid beat city rivals Atletico in Lisbon. The two clubs meet again on Saturday, when Real will be hoping to win the La Undecima – a record-extending 11th European Cup.

In a moment of apparent self-deprecation, Ramos has compared his first Champions League final to losing his virginity. "The first time is like when you make love: you always remember it," he's said. "But then it's true that you can improve, because to start with you're a disaster!"

That seems like a reasonable evaluation, until you actually think about Sergio Ramos' first Champions League final. In that final, he scored a last-minute equaliser, ended up on the winning side, and so earned the fans' adulation for all time.

With that in mind, Ramos appears to be saying that his first time having sex was absolutely fantastic. He started slow, before building up to a euphoric, climactic release. He went to extra time, before finishing off with an emphatic flourish and ending the whole thing in glorious triumph. People will remember his first time for decades, they will talk about it in the bars and clubs of Madrid for years to come.

Sergio Ramos' first time was the equivalent of winning the Champions League, and making a massive individual contribution in the process. Sergio Ramos' first time was almost certainly better than your first time. Your first time was probably a bit like losing in the quarter-finals of the Rumbelows Cup. Your first time was probably a bit like crashing out in the Europa League group stages, after an emphatic defeat to Metalist Kharkiv. Your first time was probably like finishing just outside the Championship play-off spots, having lost 6-0 to Ipswich Town on the final day of the season.

Sergio Ramos' first time was a throbbing, veiny Champions League win, and your first time was a flaccid 1-0 defeat to Blackburn Rovers.

@W_F_Magee