Food by VICE

How to Celebrate St. Paddy's Day in NYC Without Stepping into a Bar

O’Shit! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and whether you lose your way from the pub crawl, your booze cruise capsizes, or you get kicked out of every bar in NYC, you’re definitely gonna need a few alternate party spots for the “Big Green Night.”

by Male Chef
Mar 17 2016, 3:00pm

O'Shit! Guess what? It's St. Patrick's Day, that one special night each year when we have an excuse to drink excessively with our friends. This is a night when everyone in the city is out havin' a pint, and whether you lose your way from the pub crawl, your booze cruise capsizes, or you just get kicked out of every bar in New York City, you're definitely gonna need a few alternate party spots for the "Big Green Night." Trust me lad, your high school bros from Long Island didn't cross innumerable bridges and tunnels to just wander the streets of Manhattan all evening.


All photos by Chris Maggio

You might be a little man in the big city, but you've gotta have a few tricks up your sleeve just in case your other plans fall through. The first stop on your alternative drinking tour? The happy hour at one of midtown Manhattan's best-kept secrets: the Museum of Modern Art. Get drunk with Duchamp 'til your puke looks like a Pollock at one of New York City's most prominent institutions. Ladies drink free with the purchase of one of the museum's audio guides, and their famous "Big Ass Margarita" is so strong that even Mondrian himself wouldn't be able to draw a straight line after ingesting one.


DISCLAIMER: The Museum of Modern Art does not have a happy hour. This image is a purely fictional representation that Male Chef created.
MC_ST_PATS_3 DISCLAIMER: That MoMA party drinking flute is purely fictional, and you should not drink any beverage anywhere near a legendary piece of art, let alone Mondrian.

There are plenty of establishments in New York that have adopted the ways of the Emerald Isle in order to stand out from the local flavor. At O'Barro's Irish pizzerias across the City, the signature shamrock slice is a snack you can really shake a shillelagh at. Make sure to eat the crust for good luck!


MC_ST_PATS_5 DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional bar that does not exist and the MTA had no involvement in this artwork. MUNCHIES does not condone drinking on public transit.

The hour is getting late and your brogue is starting to slur! Bars might be closing, but by no means is that cause to stop the party. It turns out that New York's only 24-hour drinking establishment is right beneath your feet! The city's subway system gets in the spirit by annually serving drafts and cocktails at their ticket kiosks. Their most popular item? A weekly MetroCard and a shot of Jameson for only $36. Want to sing karaoke over the station's P.A. system? Just ask!


You hooligans still hungry? Step out of the train and find a corner store. Bodegas might not be a part of typical Irish lore, but they've learned to adapt to a whole mess of cross-cultural traditions during their tenure in the city. What better than a little deli grease to sop up the stench of St. Patrick's booze-ridden spirit as it oozes out of your pores? Whether your swallow a corn beef and cabbage gyro, a grilled cheese on Irish soda bread, or just an extra-large "Pot 'O Gumbo," make sure to wash it down with a refreshing can of Celtic Cola.


And don't forget to grab a wee little snack to choke down alongside a final pint of stout when you get home to your dingy, windowless Brooklyn cottage. Before your go home and puke on your pillow, palm a few Blarney Bites™, the only confection that's been sealed with a kiss from the Emerald Isle. If you're like me and prefer not to brush your teeth before bedtime, a mouthful of these barely-edible, candy-coated pebbles will eliminate any need for that pesky daily routine.


So drink up this St. Patrick's Day! There's no better way to celebrate another country's history than by drunkenly forgetting your iPhone in an Uber, after all!

Made with Kevin Reuning, Clark Filio, Dave Maggio, Ernesto Morales, and Elena Tarchi. This post previously appeared on MUNCHIES in March, 2015.