Noisey

Actually, When You Think About it, Are Coldplay The Greatest Dance Act of All Time?

How many bands can you name who have made dubstep, techno, house and balearic?

by THUMP Staff
Dec 4 2015, 3:14pm

Life is about perspective. What to one person is a horrible, stinking, festering basement is to somebody else the best nightclub in the world. One person's caviar is another's fish jizz. Yet while we cling to these standpoints for dear life, hopelessly convincing ourselves that they are truisms in the face of opposition, they are completely fluid. Our concepts of reality are, well, just that: concepts. They are malleable and changeable in a seconds. Life is just one big optical illusion.

Which is why, when you think about it, Coldplay might actually, probably, be the greatest dance act of all time. I know what you're thinking, "Coldplay, Oxfam-soundtracking Coldplay, olive green T Shirt wearing Coldplay, Christian youth group leaders Coldplay, consciously uncoupled Coldplay, cry-wanking Coldplay are the greatest dance act of all time? Pull the other one mate." Well firstly, I'm not your mate, and secondly, I've put a good 20 minutes worth of thought into this and I'm pretty much definitely sure they are. Yes, obviously figures like Virgo Four or Underworld or Jeff Mills have all played their part, but their time was then. This is now, and now, Coldplay are the greatest dance act of all time. Don't believe me? Let's consider the evidence...

They Love Neon Paint and Bright Colours

Coldplay have recently developed a fascination with neon paint and bright colours. This new aesthetic, that combines Graffiti Bridge era Prince with Spielberg's 1991 film Hook, is a cornerstone of modern rave culture. The glowstick hasn't been this central to clubbing since the heady days of Hadouken.

"Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" is Actually a Pounding Techno Track

Scorching synths? Check. Tight rushing hi-hats and a pounding kick? Check. Dystopian imagery? Check. Inspirational techno at its very best.

Loads of Their Music is, Actually, About Taking Speed

Um, hi? Their new album (out today by the way) is literally called Head Full of Dreams and the final track on that album is called "Up&Up". But it isn't just the new stuff, Coldplay have been singing about smashing speed for years. "High Speed" on Parachutes is named after the stuff, as is "Speed of Sound" on X&Y, oh and I think we all know what caused that Rush of Blood to the Head. It's probably a safe estimation that much of their records are in fact about bombing round Panorama Bar with a baggie and crusty key.

"Paradise" is Actually, When You Think About it, Dubstep

Listen, and I mean really listen, and I think you'll agree that "Paradise" is basically a Deep Medi release. Nasty murky bass, ethereal strings, and a floor-shaking drop you can feel in the pit of your stomach. Mala Xyloto, mate.

They've Worked With Avicii!

Yeah, hello? They've worked with Avicii, who is to dance music what Schubert is to late classical/early romantic symphonics. Avicii wouldn't work with any old band, he must have twigged, like myself, that Coldplay were in fact the greatest dance act of all time otherwise he wouldn't have teamed up with them in the first place.

Giorgio Moroder Has Remixed Them!

Excuse me? They've also worked with disco legend Giorgio Moroder—the man who basically invented many of the strains of modern dance music you're probably getting all precious about defending right now. Also, getting a Moroder cosign is no mean feat! I mean, look at his recent track record: Britney Spears, Charli XCX, and Foxes!

"Sky Full of Stars" is a House Anthem!

Come on! It's that classic Chicago sound again! Frankie who? The only "knuckles" I'm interested in are mine, clenched up, pumping my fist high into the air to this house anthem!

They Sample Industrial Music and Krautrock

If I was to ask you to name a British act that have sampled Kraftwerk, the chances are you wouldn't say Coldplay. But then again, you're the sort of person who is still struggling to understand that Coldplay are actually, when you think about it, the greatest dance act of all time.

The Cover of Ghost Stories is Actually, Very Similar to the Cover of Floorplan's Paradise

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Pretty close to resting my case, but I'll continue regardless.

Glitch/IDM: Rainy Day

It's easy to forget that Coldplay are actually, also, very similar to Aphex Twin. Never more so than on this glitchy slice of headsy IDM. Coming off as pretty similar to "4 bit 9d api+e+6" on Syro, "Rainy Day" is a window into the warped, weird, technologically unparalleled electronic experimentation that goes on in camp Coldplay.

They Have a Residency at Glastonbury

You might think that the idea of having a resident is old news, a lost relic of the Larry Levan days? Think again. Coldplay have a residency at the biggest club of them all...Glastonbury Festival! They have already played there five times, and rumours are rife they could be coming back in 2016 to headline again! Get your pingers in now lads!

"Life in Technicolor" is a Balearic Classic

It's 1984, you're on a roof terrace in Ibiza, the sun is setting and you've just taken a drag from a cigarette. You lift a strawberry daquiri to your lips and as you do so, Jose Padilla slips "Life in Technicolour" into the mix. In that moment, equilibrium is found.

This Remix of Yellow

Chris Martin is Burial

Mind...blown.

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