How to Do All Your Christmas Shopping at a Sex Shop

Let's be honest, the Christmas spirit has definitely perished since we were waking up at 5 AM to tear open our presents. No pressure on us to get the gifts, do the cooking, sort the Christmas festivities. It was all just pure receiving, except for giving a handmade card you were forced to make at school. Now we find ourselves struggling to buy gifts for people we rarely associate with until this time of year. While the deep satisfaction that comes from surprising your loved ones with that perfect gift has no comparable feeling, finding that special something for each person is a near-impossible mission. Especially on Christmas Eve.

Well, I thought it was impossible. Until I walked into a sex shop on Auckland's Karangahape Rd and straight into the retail embrace of a pornstachioed Christmas angel. Meet Pierre. Pierre is 20. Pierre is actually from France. And he was so enthusiastic about finding gifts for my family, friends—and boss—all I had to do is hand over the list of people and let him fill my sack. Here's a peek at what will be under the tree at my place tomorrow.

MOTHER
Sexual Fantasy Coupons, $8.99

"Oooh, this is a tricky one." Great! I thought as Pierre took me straight to an aisle of extremely huge dildos. He paused then told me mothers don't usually want something scary—depending how kinky she is. I had a sense of extreme relief as we walked away from the rubber penises that were nearly as long as my legs. Instead Pierre showed me a shelf of love and sex favour coupons which he said were perfect for spicing up mature relationships. As much as I hate the thought, I guess mum still needs to ignite her flame every now and then.

FATHER
The Giant Pecker Apron, $39.99

Every dad needs an apron for his famous Sunday night bbq, right? This is literally an apron with an enormous dick hanging off it. Not only that, it has the body of John Cena printed on the torso of the apron. Perfect to boost your father's ego. I forgot to check how flammable that end is, sorry Dad.

BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND
We vibe sync, $349.99

If you are wanting to loosen the purse strings for your significant other then I recommend this revolutionary product that made me super excited both ways! The We Vibe is a vibrator that is a couple pleasure system in one that's controlled on an app so not only does it stimulate both partners during sexual intercourse, it can be controlled while you and your partner are apart. Which is something I wish I had when I went away to Europe for nearly two months.

LITTLE BROTHER
Lovebotz iFuk VR Virtual Reality Stroker, $599.99

This one made me crack up way too much when Pierre showed me. Basically if your little bro is into video games, you might wanna get him this rather than the next PlayStation upgrade. This by far takes sex toys to another level. This gadget comes with a stroker and goggles which show your virtual dream sex world as it controls what happens to you down there. This is a very pricey product and I don't think I would fork out that much money for the pleasure of a sibling. On the other hand you could always get the traditional Fleshlight for a smaller buck, but if you are looking for something to spoil any man in your life, I really don't think this will disappoint.

BOSS 
Sinful Ball Gag, $29.99

You'd think a sex store would be the last place you would look for your boss but Pierre convinced me otherwise. Sick of you boss nagging? Complaining? Not giving you a raise? Well make them your pet! With a ball gag, not only are you shutting them up but for once you're the dominant. Ho Ho Ho!

GRANDMOTHER 
Bodywand rechargeable massager, $199

Pierre pulls out a gigantic remote controlled dildo with a head as big as mine and I thought there was no way he was being serious. How could you give such a machine to your sweet little G'ma? "These toys make any lady squirt," says Pierre. "It's perfect for the more mature." Yeah. Pierre was being completely serious. This particular dildo has one of the strongest vibrators out of all the things that vibrated in the store. For this reason not only is it used for penetrating and climaxing, it can also massage nearly any part of your body. Pierre gave it a go on my lower back and damn it actually felt really good.

WEIRD UNCLE, 
Gatsby Flapper, $169, Porno theatre ticket, $12

The "weird uncle" stereotype is strangely legitimate. Don't we all have an Uncle John who takes the jokes a bit too far at family gatherings and gets pissed off bourbon in the worst situations? But what on earth do you get him? Pierre  took me straight to the ladies costumes: naughty maids, horny nurses, Gatsby flapper (my favourite) and some more typical costumes you would see in pornos. "The weird uncle will usually put on a costume that he feels pretty in and go into the theatre and watch some pornographic movies that resemble his costume".  Yes there is an actual theatre in the shop where can buy tickets for up to 15 people and watch pornos with your friends… Or alone.

MYSELF 
Sensuous Body Deluxe Chocolate, $22.99

I analysed basically every product in that store and the only thing I could imagine myself using is the Chocolate body paint. Anything edible, I'm in.

Have a Merry XXX-mas