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Hangin’ Out in My Funderwear

I am usually a pretty heteronormative kind of guy, especially when it comes to undergarments. I buy boxers from the dollar store in packages of six and refuse to purchase additional pairs.

Photos by Bobby Doherty
Illustrations by Johnny Ryan

I am usually a pretty heteronormative kind of guy, especially when it comes to undergarments. I buy boxers from the dollar store in packages of six and refuse to purchase additional pairs until I lose a couple, or they get so worn out and stained that it would be more hygienic to let my genitals flop around in my trousers like the Velveteen Rabbit.

Lately, however, I’ve been feeling very undesirable and wondering things like, “How come ladies and gay guys get to have all the fun and sexy undies?” Then I realized, hey, there was nothing stopping me from slipping into the leg holes of some lacy unmentionables or leather briefs with a removable codpiece.

After a bit of internet underwear research, I became very excited and treated myself to seven pairs of the most elaborate, esoteric, and erotic skivvies to ever grace my hindquarters. Over the next week, I kept a little diary of the proceedings as an intimate keepsake and rated my new underclothes on a 1-5 glitter-dong scale.
 

MONDAY: KISS MY HEART Y-BACK BY APOLLOWEAR

I discovered that these weren’t a thong after putting them on the wrong way, which resulted in one of the strings cleaving my butt crack. It was very disagreeable, but I quickly recognized my mistake (the heart over my dick was sideways) and slid them around the right way. The fabric felt cheap, which consequently made me feel like a go-go dancer who would fuck old guys for coke, and maybe not even that much coke. Good ball support, though.


    TUESDAY: SO CHIC! CHAIN LINK THONG BY BANG! HIM

I thought I wouldn’t be able to get these over my beefy straight-guy thighs, but surprisingly the spandex stretched out to a snug fit. I didn’t mind the thong at first, and these offered the added bonus of cradling my junk nicely. A couple hours later, my mind had changed. The chain pressed into my skin and left painful red indentations while the thong gradually wedgied its way up my rear as I worked at my desk. My recommendation is that one should only wear these for a short period of time, which I’m sure is usually the case.


 
WEDNESDAY: SEXY DESIGNER BRAZILIAN BACK BRIEF BY BANG! HIM

These were clearly designed for smooth young cabana boys who shave and wax regularly. My man bits were barely contained by the pouch and looked as though someone was trying and failing to catch a rodent in a napkin. The metal bands attached to the waistband didn’t dig into my skin as much as Tuesday’s little number, but these made me look terrible—like something a dad would dream up to scare his potentially gay son straight.


    THURSDAY: SLING RING STUDDED FULL BODY THONG BY APOLLOWEAR

The attached suspenders meant it was impossible to ignore or forget that I was wearing this contraption, which I’m sure some people really appreciate. It felt like a spider monkey was draped across my torso with its hands on my shoulders, one of its prehensile feet lifting my balls just so, and its toes crammed into my asshole. After a few days of bashfulness, I decided to hit the town that night. Pretty soon I was drunk enough to show everyone the studded suspenders underneath my shirt. No one was as excited as me. They were sort of fun to wear, but frankly, I don’t have the muscles to pull off this look.


 
FRIDAY: MEN’S STUDDED BLACK LEATHER THONG BY INFERNO

My favorite pair by far. They are made of real fucking leather that smells amazing and feature shiny metal snaps on the front. I can see why some people are so into leather because—unlike some of the other underwear I wore this week­­­­­­—these didn’t chafe or make me feel like a gloryhole attendant. There are even these convenient metal snap buttons on the codpiece in case you need to pee, let your dick breathe a little, or whip it out so some dude can suck you off in the stacks of an adult bookstore. What more could you ask for in an article of clothing?


    SATURDAY: RAINBOW PRIDE SWIMMER JOCKSTRAP BY ACTIVEMAN

I know the rainbow colors on the cock pouch are supposed to represent gay pride, but to me it looked more like my penis was a tiny Rastafarian guy. Awesome! Unfortunately, the black straps are incredibly uncomfortable, almost worse than Tuesday’s chain dealie. These get an A for looks but a D for comfort.


 
SUNDAY: FANCY HI-CUT BY MANTIES

It seemed like these were designed by a woman, or maybe for women and later altered so people like me would be suckered into buying them. I had to really work to pull these up my legs, and there’s no fly or Y-front so I had to painfully roll them down every time I had to take a leak. The other pairs said, “I’m down to fuck some dudes or maybe get fucked by a bunch of dudes at once.” These said, “I’m a cross-dressing fairy from 1955!” Call me homophobic, but I like the first statement better.


    THE VERDICT:

I wish I could say I felt sexier and more confident in my new underwear, but mostly they just made me feel uncomfortable and gross. There’s a reason why thongs, frills, and lace are attractive to gays, women, and other penis enthusiasts, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is. I’m returning to my familiar old boxers, and I’m sure my asshole and balls will thank me.