Yes, you are way too late. It’s the end of June, you idiot.
Summer is here, which means it’s bikini season. Unfortunately, I don’t feel too sexy with my potbelly sticking out. I know you’re really into working out and being healthy and all that crap, so I figured you would know whether or not I have enough time to get a hot beach bod before the summer ends if I started working out, like, today?
The No Tae Bo Ho
Well, it is never too late to start being healthy. I see people who are 60 and 70 years old working out in the gym, pumping major iron. Like them, you should look at every day as the first day of the rest of your life. So go to a gym right now! Otherwise you’ll die in a few years from chocking on a pork rind, while clutching a 64 ounce Big Gulp in one hand and a Double Down in the other.
But to answer your question about getting a beach body before the summer of 2012 ends—yes, you are way too late. It’s already the end of June, dummy! The only way you’re going to get a killer beach body this summer is if you get some quack to carve you up. If you want to do it the right way, which is working out and eating properly, you have to be patient.
When you start working out regularly, one of the first things you have to think about is your body type and your diet. Those two things together will dictate what you should do to get the body you want. For example, if you don’t like doing cardio, you have to watch what you eat. Otherwise, you’ll always have that potbelly. You also need to think about what kind of body you are trying to develop. A lot of women take this advice a bit too far and start freaking out because they don’t want to be one of those gross girls with muscles and varicose veins. In reality, it takes years of training (and lots of testosterone) for girls to transform into monsters like that. Trust me, ladies, you can lift some weights and not worry about turning into She Hulk.
On your first few trips to the gym I definitely recommend going with someone who knows what they are doing. A trainer is the best option, but I know most VICE readers are broke dirtbags. If you are a broke dirtbag or dirtbaggette, just bring one of your dirtbag friends who has experience and they can show you the ropes. I’m not crazy about working out with inexperienced people just because I’m not trying to spend my entire life in the gym. But other people get super excited about helping out novices. So don’t be afraid to ask them—just don’t ask me.
It’s not easy to get fit and it definitely doesn’t happen overnight, but if you work at it you will find that it is one of the best things you can do. I usually go in the evenings after work, and I can honestly say it is my favorite way to let off steam after spending a day dealing with the crazy white people at VICE. I’m sure it can be a good release for you too. So what if you can’t get a nice body before you and your friends go to the beach next week? Start working out today and you’ll make your life better for good. And that’s a lot more appealing than asphyxiating on fried pork fat.
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Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Even your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and anti-social thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions to HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them to @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets their question answered will receive their very own Hey Ron! t-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.