Hey Ron! - When Should I Get Pregnant?

A better way to phrase this question is, "When is the right time to obliterate my youth?"

Hey Ron,

My mom gave birth to me when she was only 16 years old, which is crazy for me to think about because I’m about to turn 16 this summer and I can’t imagine what it’d be like to lug around a baby all the time. I just want to kick it, go to school, and enjoy life. But it seems like a lot of my friends think getting pregnant is the thing to do, and I’m starting to see them with baby bumps left and right. What’s up with that? When is it the right time to bring a little one into the world?

Not Your Baby’s Momma

If you have to ask when you should have a baby, I think you're too young to have a baby. People who are ready to be parents just know it. But if you’re stupid, and need me to spoon-feed you a specific age, I would say you shouldn’t be allowed to give birth until you’re at least 21 years old. Having kids at 11 might fly in some backwards third-world countries, but here in the United States we shouldn’t be accepting that nonsense.

First of all, it’s too damn expensive these days for anybody to have kids, let alone a young couple who has no skills or experience at anything but leeching off their parents. This whole teenage pregnancy thing isn’t new. Young people have always gotten knocked up early, mainly because they’re dumb and horny. But back in my day, it didn’t cost so much to raise a kid. There were no expensive designer sneakers you had to buy or crazy electronic devices for kids to entertain themselves. Even school is more expensive now. Parents are going bankrupt just putting their kids through college. Having a kid before you get a chance to build a career to pay for that kid is a terrible financial decision.

What’s worse is I’m the one who ends up financing all these babies you young people have and can’t afford. All of their middle names should be Ron, because it’s my checks that are going towards their Medicaid, Social Security, and everything else. I also feel bad for the grandparents who get stuck raising the kids just because momma wants to shake her fat butt in the club every night instead of taking care of her responsibilities. I don’t blame momma for wanting to wiggle her booty at the bar, but if you want to get loose and party, don’t have a baby. These young people think that leaking out some semen or pooping a child out of their vagina makes them a parent, but that’s not true. Actually raising your kid makes you a parent and the biological stuff has nothing to do with it.

If you don’t want to ruin your youth taking care of a kid who will grow up to either resent or not respect you, just try not having sex. It’s a really effective way to ensure you don’t get preggers. If that doesn’t work, at least protect yourself. Even if you don’t think you’re going to get laid, never leave the house without some jimmy hats (I’m talking to you too, ladies). You never know when you're going to get lucky.  

It’s sad to say, but I think people are being trained at a young age to make these mistakes. They give little girls baby dolls and have them pushing strollers around when they’re only two. And all you kids are watching that 16 and Pregnant on TV mistakenly thinking that's something to aspire to. But babies are real. You can’t pull the battery out when they start to bore or annoy you and you can’t turn the station when they do something you don’t like. It’s not happily ever after when you have a kid at a young age, because your life and career is pretty much over unless you're a really exceptional individual. If you don’t want to end up like that, stop trying to hide the salami—or at least be smart about it when you do.

Previously - Am I Watching Too Much Porn?

Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Even your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and anti-social thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions to HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them to @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets their question answered will receive their very own Hey Ron! t-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.