Tell him you’ll make him a pumpkin loaf that is even better than sex! Then let him fuck a pumpkin loaf.
We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.
Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I’m a 23-year-old virgin who is saving herself for marriage. Any tips on how to date without having sex?
- Lady in Waiting
Hot Dog Forces Just The Tips
Saving yourself for marriage is a noble pursuit that I don’t fully understand, like painting your walls corduroy, or why scientists invented Channing Tatum. But I guess you have your reasons to keep your vagina “Members Only” (and not just for the great jackets!). But for dudes who are maintaining their virginity, it’s usually for one of two reasons: the Book of Mormon or the Book of Pizza-face (with a side of cauliflower dick!). Whatever your reason, you need to realize that it might be tough to hang onto a woman when you’re not willing to make sweet love to her. So here are a few ways to keep a lady coming back even though you’re not coming on her back:
· Explain that you’re saving yourself for just the right woman, then kiss a picture of your mom and go to sleep.
· Remember, there are a lot of things you can do to have fun that don’t involve sex! Why not use your hands… to do close-up magic for her instead of having sex! (“LADIES LOVE MAGIC!” -the Bible)
· Heavy petting is a great substitute for sex. Label your apartment “The Petting Zoo” and give your date a salt lick! (This is the only time in this column that “salt lick” isn’t code for your penis covered in tears!)
Unless you’re doing your dating in Amish Country (great chairs!) though, some “modern” ladies might insist on physical intimacy. Here’s a few ways to break the tension and get out of any awkward sex-tuations:
· “I’m like Patch Adams, but instead of curing people with laughter, I’m terrified of sex.”
· “You know what they say, ‘Why buy the cow when the cow can come on your belly for free? I’m the cow. Please buy me.’”
· “I’d like to take it slow. Like 4th grade slow… at a school for remedial breathing. Juice box? String cheese?”
Lady Bun Saves It For Someone Special (You)
Sex is a big deal. It’s what turns girls into women and boys into boys who put their dicks in things. Losing your virginity is like eating with chopsticks for the first time: There’s a lot of poking around and you end up wondering how all those people in Asia do it (answer: fuck robots). For women, it is especially significant—think about getting your ears pierced for the first time. Now replace your earlobe with your vagina and a hypoallergenic earring with a penis that’s been touched by unwashed “subway hands” (both the sandwich and the train). Sounds scary, right? Well, it is, and that is why you should hold off until you’re ready. But how do you keep your hymen when society tells you it’s as useful as a flip phone? Here are ways to make a guy stay without him entering your vajay (First tip: never call it a vajay).
· Want to entice him into a sexless sleepover? Tell him you’ll make him a pumpkin loaf that is even better than sex! Then let him fuck a pumpkin loaf.
· Heavy petting quickly turning into more? Bring real pets into the picture! Nothing stops sex quicker than 14 stray dogs.
· Is he trying to entice you into some “69-ing”? How about suggesting some “1997-ing”! That’s the thing where you sit across from each other and listen to Sugar Ray until his boner kills itself.
All those things may hold him off for a while, and by "a while," I mean the length of a cab ride. Eventually the elephant in the room (only the trunk/penis) will be obvious to you both. That’s when you have to have the ol’ bird and the bees chat to prevent any pees in the vees.
· “I have to wait. I’m special, like a snowflake that only gives hand jobs.”
· “My body is my temple… But my butt isn’t Buddhist, so come right in.”
· “I’ll let you touch me down there if you promise your index finger won’t ignore me at parties.”
Previously - Dirty Secrets
Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at firstname.lastname@example.org