The Worst Things We've Witnessed at After-Parties
"They thought they'd found somewhere private, but the whole party could see them fucking doggy-style."
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
Parties, famously, are fun—but often not as fun as the after-party. It's in those strange, semi-lucid hours that the weirdest stuff happens: Someone does an eye shot of cinnamon After Shock and temporarily blinds themselves; someone decides that 5 AM is the right time to have sex in front of their seven closest friends; someone intentionally tattoos themselves while in a K-hole, for fun.
For fun, we solicited after-party stories from our friends and published them all below.
– "Lindsay Lohan and her lover got into a big fight at this apartment we were in, and were screaming at each other in front of everyone. Lohan ran into the room and just sort of flounced onto the sofa next to me. I asked if she was OK and she said she needed to make a phone call, to Jack. Jack Nicholson. I always thought it was funny that she called the world's most famous psychopath to calm her down."
– "This is fairly tame, but personally was the one thing that's annoyed me most at any after-party I've ever been to. About ten of us went back to a friend's after a night out, and we'd bought five grams of coke between us, which we dumped out onto a CD case. As my friend was leaning down to do the first line, my other friend made him laugh and blew all five grams—£250 [$320]—onto the shag carpet under the table. We spent ten minutes trying to snort coke out of the carpet, then gave up."
– "I used to live in an apartment that overlooked a sort of garden square thing. I had a load of people back at my place after the pub, and a guy I worked with met a girl while we were all hanging out, and they started making out. They then went outside to get some 'space,' obviously thought they'd found somewhere private in that garden square, and started fucking doggy-style in front of the entire party."
– "Someone pissed on my sofa."
– "Someone shit on my floor, directly next to the toilet."
– "Someone more senior than me from work passed out in my roommate's bed, then pissed the bed. It was a real dark orange, dehydrated piss."
– "Three couples fucked in my bed over the course of a day-long after-party."
– "I'd written a bad review of a band, whose manager I ran into on a night out. He started on me and we got into a fight, which ended in him breaking my finger by grabbing it and just popping it out of place at the top joint. I then went to a party around the corner and spent most of the evening with my hand in the freezer, talking to anyone who walked by. This girl I'd never met took my ring off—which was fucking painful, but thank God she did because I'd have never got it off otherwise—and sent me to the hospital. When I arrived, three members of Vampire Weekend were there. I sort of knew them from interviewing them before, so asked them what was going on. Turned out, their drummer had walked out of the same party and been hit by a car, which sent him into the path of another car. I popped my head in to see him and he went, 'Hey, I heard we made the front page of your website!' before screaming loudly, and for a long time, in pain."
– "All amateur rapping is bad, but I witnessed some profoundly bad amateur rapping. We'd been at the pub and I invited a few friends back to my place to do some lines. A friend of a friend brought his girlfriend, who was fucked and insisted on rapping literally everything she said. Dictionary definition literally. Absolute nightmare. It got to the point where the boyfriend—either embarrassed or just exhausted—tried to get them to leave, but she wasn't having it (she rapped about how she wasn't going to leave), so he walked out by himself. Five minutes later we got a call saying he'd somehow locked himself in the apartment's garbage room, whose door is right next to two other apartments. I had to go downstairs and try to break him out with a knife, while his girlfriend continued to loudly rap, at 4 AM, outside my neighbors' front doors."
– "Three guys and a girl K-holing, and the guys trying to maintain a conversation about how they're all male feminists. That was fucking painful to watch."
– "There was this guy desperately trying to get an orgy going. He kept asking people if they were down to fuck, and got rebuffed by absolutely everyone."
– "I went to a party at some fancy boarding school—the guy whose party it was is the son of a house-master there, so he lived on the school's land during holidays breaks in college. It got stupid rowdy, like people just wrecking the place for no reason, and the police were called so everyone ran away. We were trying to regroup and got a text about an 'after-party' nearby. Someone dropped a pin, so we walked the 15 minutes over and found out this 'after-party' was actually a garden shed—which was tiny—that had four fully dressed people standing with their backs against the wall, and two fully naked people fucking in the dirt. Very bizarre."
– "My friend peed on his roof, and that piss dribbled down onto the balcony we were standing on, directly onto the head of the girl standing next to me."
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