It's Friday, January 25, and Ketchup "Caviar" Exists Now

Plus, ways to both extend and shorten your lifespan, depending on your mood.

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Jan 25 2019, 4:45pm

courtesy of Heinz Ketchup 

Welcome to Off-Menu, where we'll be rounding up all the food news and food-adjacent internet ephemera that delighted, fascinated, or infuriated us this morning.

News

  • White Castle wants to spend Valentine's Day at home with you, and they're not specifying why or how. The chain has been offering special V-Day reservations at their locations for 28 years, but for 2019 they've got a new promotion, and as of now all we know is that it involves "the opportunity to enjoy the Valentine’s Day experience in the comfort of [your] own homes." So, delivery White Castle? While I believe that romance comes in all forms and settings, I also believe that if you're going to bother with Valentine's Day at all, you should at least go out for your fast food.
  • The idea of biting into what appears to be outsized fish roe and being met with a teeny tiny evil water balloon full of ketchup would be enough to put me off all tomato-based products for at least a year.
  • Dave Asprey, who founded Bulletproof Coffee, is spending millions of dollars trying to live to 180. Every aspect of this story confounds me, from the part where he got rich off the concept of putting butter in your coffee, to the part where the now-45-year-old wants to hang around for another century-plus on this godforsaken planet—especially if he's going to spend that time having his own stem cells removed from some areas of his body and re-injected elsewhere, taking 100 supplements a day, and following a strict diet where even olive oil and kale is banned.
  • A deeply thorough study, which tracked the health and dietary habits of 107,000 older women for 20 years starting in the 1990s, has shown that eating at least one serving of fried food every day (and self-reporting as such) correlates to an eight percent higher chance of dying early, specifically from cardiovascular disease. The study did not show a link between fried food and cancer deaths. That fried food can have a negative impact on your health feels like a fairly self-evident conclusion to draw from what seems to have been a tremendous outlay of research effort but hey, at least they didn't say anything that forces me to confront the reality that I'm slowly killing myself (then again, who isn't?) if I keep my French fry habit closer to once a week.

Not News

The Japanese news outlet Sora News 24 invites you to "Grab a chocolate chili mustard hotdog at Salon du Chocolat this month!" I absolutely will not, and you cannot make me!!!

Something Nice

I don't understand this video at all but I know that I am a "Not Bones." Tag yourself.

Buy This Baguette

baguette wrist pad
via Amazon.com

Every part of my working posture is actively injuring my soon-to-be-aged-beyond-my-years body but I would gladly maintain proper wrist alignment with this doughy doodad. Hat tip to Philadelphia reporter Anna Orso for bringing it to my attention.