“Since 6000 BC, wine has played a critical role for humanity,” the report begins. “The beverage has a complex and venerable history that spans cultures, socioeconomic classes, rituals, and religions. White wine viticulture has reached every continent, excluding Antarctica, and has been consumed around the world for thousands of years.” No, this isn’t a tenth-grader’s quadruple-spaced term paper about a beverage he’s still a half-decade away from legally drinking. This is seriously the opening pargraph of Kendall-Jackson’s ridiculously detailed proposal for a white wine emoji.
Kendall-Jackson, the winery that unofficially sponsors your mom’s monthly book club, has designed its own white wine emoji and has submitted it to the emoji overlords at the Unicode Consortium for consideration. Over 15 well-researched pages, it makes its case to put a virtual glass of Chardonnay (or Pinot Gris or Sauvignon Blanc) on our assorted devices and keyboards, arguing that we’re all missing out on a vital way to share our...meals.
“The current wine glass emoji, representing a generic red, is an oversimplification,” Kendall-Jackson writes. “If a person enjoys a meal of grilled steak and Cabernet Sauvignon, they may communicate it using the “cut of meat” emoji and the current red wine glass emoji. However, if a person enjoys a meal of lobster and chardonnay (a delicious pairing!), they may use the lobster emoji but are required to use the current red wine emoji was well [...] The lack of a white wine glass emoji inhibits self-expression, from a suggested meal pairing to the preferred libation one may enjoy during warm weather.”
It has also done its own calculations, suggesting that a white wine emoji would almost automatically become one of the most widely used. “[T]he current wine glass emoji ranks 233 out of 2,666 total emojis,” the report says. “Expanding the sequence to include a white wine glass will increase overall usage of this already popular emoji.” (Let’s pause here and raise a real-life glass of pale wine to whichever Kendall-Jackson intern was asked to compile this information.)
According to The Drinks Business, Kendall-Jackson’s Vintner’s Reserve Chardonnay has been the top selling Chardonnay in the United States for the last 25 years—and that makes us think this isn’t just a publicity stunt. On the other hand, Kendall-Jackson has launched its own emoji-centered website, which makes us think that it is. (MUNCHIES has reached out to Kendall-Jackson for comment, but we haven’t yet heard back.)
The website suggests that the emoji-deprived should check the site on August 2, which is just two days before the not-at-all made up-sounding National White Wine Day. Let’s hope our moms don’t have a book club meeting between now and then.