2. My insurance company won't cover a fertility test unless I actively try for a year to conceive. I really am hoping I am infertile so I don't need condoms anymore! But in case I catch something or knock someone up, insurance makes sense, probably.3. Does the policy cover ball(s)? I only have one left, and when I go on top, missionary-style, not only do my small T. rex arms hurt, but my ball keeps bouncing around assholes, so who knows what it might catch! It usually freaks most girls out.And, without further ado, our first-place award goes to Jason L., who so selflessly entered on behalf of his buddy who broke his dick not once but twice already! We weren’t totally sure that was even possible, but following one late-night Google search into the dark corners of the internet (where we pray we'll never find ourselves again), we couldn't deny that this guy's shaft is in serious danger. We just couldn’t live with ourselves if Jason's poor friend broke his penis a third time, and so, to Jason and his friend, whoever he is—congratulations! Your throbbing gristle is safe from harm, for now… His email is below:1. I had ball cancer 2.5 years ago and neglected to stash sperm prior to removing my right ball, so insuring what’s left is probably very important to mankind, or maybe Monsanto?
1. Having it break once makes it easier for it to happen twice. The first time was with his ex-girlfriend. They were going at it from behind, and it slipped out and cracked, blood everywhere.2. The second time was with a girl for her 26th birthday. She didn't go to the hospital with him either; I did. The doctors said he has a chance of doing it again now too, and all of this has cost him a decent amount.3. The good that came out of this is that, while it was broken, he met the daughter of a legendary heavy metal bass player. He couldn't sleep with her right away, they got to know each other really well, and now they're dating. But that eerie thought that he's going to break his penis is always lingering in the back of his head. He could really use this insurance; I just want the undz.Below are a mix of losers and honorable mentions (all entries, very sic).Kittridge R.:The dick insurance isn't for me; it's for my best friend, who's broken his dick twice.
Moses B.:I gay so I can't easily spawn new dicks to carry my own dicks memory in their hearts hence the need for dick insurance so everyone can remember my dick. Straight dudes can make dicks I can't.
M.C. Rhode Island:I'd kill myself if my wiener ever got ripped off or shot off by Robocop.
I have mastered the art of female squirting and can confidently perform this technique on any woman via penis, oral or finger. (I know women lie, but the hefty dry-cleaning bill for soiled Egyptian cotton bed sheets does not)
Alex N.:Without my dick, my ability to work would be hindered because I wouldn't be able to have sex with co-workers as a bargaining tool and just generally have trouble concentrating on the task at hand because I'm lacking sex. I would have to take time off work to build up my other strengths in order to make up for this.
Hector G.:My massive bush is so uniquely pleasing to the eye that it couldn't possibly exist on its lonesome without my package to accompany it. My ginger locks would look so out of place without my penis in the center that the obvious solution, should my dick be lost in some freak skiing accident or undercover anti-terrorism operation, is to have it replaced with the insurance money. I am not completely up to date on the latest in prosthetic phalli technology, but I am sure that in time the technology will exist to give my penis the loving memorial replica that it deserves, and my bush won't have to be alone.
Mac L.:Living without a dick is pointless, but $50,000 will truly help my pain, like dat, my dick and my sack.
Maximillian P.:I bartend, so between work and my fucked-up personal life based of the path of least resistance - my dick is in the high risk pool. He needs to be covered by something other than latex and the cooch of whoever comes stumbling out of Dirty or Splash bar at 3am.
Andres T.:Because it already is eternally preserved #alone
Dan S.:My penis looks like a platypus
Iran:My penis is my favorite part of me. Whenever I need to show true approval of any situation- be it a rockin band at a shitty bar, the mailman giving us the correct mail, or when the dog doesn't shit on the rug- I always try to show my appreciation by politely thrusting myself. It is a sign of respect. I find this to be a very valuable component of my personality.
Scott:I want to say to my friends "Hey that girl can't afford this penis.”
Anthony S.:My dick already has bite marks in it and its been double sucked.
Big Jim:My junk has cost me at least 50,000 dollars in lawyer fees, child support, and clearing my name of crimes I did not commit.
Robert P.:Since he is affectionately known as the Golden Child, he is a religious and spiritual icon to millions of Eddie Murphy fans.
Abner J.:I keep my dick in a special container, just like J.P. Pruitt's hand in Zoolander.
Elbert:When I was 3, a toilet seat fell on my dick while I was peeing, causing substantial pain and a permanent scar that runs the length of my foreskin. I am a survivor of a penis-related accident but may not be so lucky next time.
I got in a car accident and i have to pay out the ass for it. What would've happened if I accidentally got my dick stuck in the steering wheel again? It would've been a bad day, and taping a dildo to my groin is something I also would not like to happen again.
Ivaylo G.:I am a ginger and they are becoming more and more scarce throughout the world as the years go on. I am devoted to bringing the ginger population back.
Joey D.:My ex is crazy and for some reason she's always at the same stores I'm at. It's been happening for a month now and it's definitely not coincidence. I was at the butcher section of jewel a few weekends ago and she came out of nowhere, l looked over and she just gave me this wild stare like "I'm going to sneak into your house and tape your dick to your forehead" if I were to lose my lil friend id be tremendously sad.
Patrick K.:Masturbating to great VICE Magazine naked lady pictures
Tim D.:If I ever lost my wiener, the only possible thing that could make up for it, would be cash, so I could have my thumb removed and turned into a weird penis like thing between my legs.
Matthew S.:I have fucked up every aspect of my life so it's only a matter of time before I lose my cock in some dumbass accident.
Gabe C.:You should insure my penis because, its long, hard, and full of aids.
Daniel S.:The world makes no fucking sense.
Ben G.:I am a mental health therapist working with a population who exhibit the most impulsive behavior related to one's precious bits. As a therapist rehabilitating juvenile sex offenders, I take young angry, aggressive, hormone raging, sexified boys into a closed office located in the basement of an office building. No windows, no panic button, and company mandated no use of restraints when clients are aggressive towards you. I am not saying my clients are dangerous but their behaviors can be impulsive. Thus, I am not only putting myself in jeopardy, I am placing my penis in jeopardy everyday.
I went out to a karaoke bar once (run by a bunch of Asians, of course) for a friend's birthday…NEVER AGAIN. See, on this particular night, I accidentally forgot to wear a belt. As I was jamming out on stage to Kid Rock's "Bawitdaba," my pants dropped to my knees. I didn't think much of it, but it turned out my penis was peeking through the hole of my boxers. One of the Asian chefs caught sight of this, assumed that I was trying to smuggle jumbo shrimp out of his fine establishment, and immediately grabbed a meat cleaver. Crazy bastard chased me around the room for a solid 7 minutes before I had to perform unmentionable acts just to prove there was no shrimp in my undies, just merely my penis.