How to Shoot Fire Out of Your Crotch

Video stills from Alex Adan

When I was 21, I went on tour with a circus. At a stop in Minneapolis, I met a girl named Gwenevere. She pulled me aside, shoved a canister of butane up her pussy, and lit it on fire. My mind was blown.

Five months later, I returned to Atlanta with my new skill in tow. I moved into Die Slaughterhaus, which at the time was putting on a ton of house shows. One day everyone who was over was tripping on something, and I decided to do it to freak them out. Everybody liked it so much. Around the same time, my band Motherfucking Turrets got back together, so I started burning American flags with my pussy fire at shows. And that’s how it all began. The whole process is really simple. First take a can of fuel and shove that up your crotch. You may have to masturbate with it for a few minutes before it slides fully in. Conversely, if you’re having a hard time keeping it up there, you can wrap a rubber band around the end to make it easier for your muscles to grip. Be warned before you try this: Butane containers are cold. It’s like fucking yourself with an icicle. An icicle that shoots fire. After you’ve got the canister in place, use a bottle cap to press down on the nozzle and get a stream of fuel going, then light ’er up. The only real dangerous part of the whole trick is that if you don’t angle yourself properly, you could detonate your crotch. You have to spray the flame at an angle level to the ground or higher, otherwise the fire will suck back into the container and blow the cap off. This happened once really badly during a show at the old Lenny’s. I was trying to torch an old Soviet flag, but I wasn’t angled properly and it created a small hole in the canister. It felt like icicles were stabbing the inside of my cunt. I pulled the can out and in less than two seconds the whole thing was on fire. You could smell the pubes burning. I threw the can and it burst before it even hit the ground. I definitely came very close to blowing up my pussy that night. I’ve had a couple strippers from the Clermont ask me to teach them the exact mechanics, but man do I not want to be responsible for anybody’s pussy blowing up. JESSICA JUGGZ AS TOLD TO ELLIS JONES
Please, please, please do not try this. You will permanently destroy your baby-making orifice and probably get cancer. We know we just told you exactly what to do, but a little discretion, eh?