This Contract Is the Only Way to Make Sure Your Friends Actually Like You

Sign on the dotted line, so I know it's real.

by Sam Weiner
Sep 26 2016, 5:35pm

Photo of real cool friends via Creative Commons.

The New York Times recently asked, "Do Your Friends Actually Like You?" If that's a question you have to ask yourself, the answer is probably, "No, of course they don't."

But what if there was a way to be sure—really, truly, 100 percent sure—that your friends had your well-being in mind at all times? Now there is.

Simply download and print out the below legally binding Friendship Contract and badger a friend, loved one, or nearby animal to sign it. Then bask in the contentment of knowing that, unless they care to face stiff penalties, the people closest to you will be forced to care about you forever.

FRIENDSHIP CONTRACT

BE IT KNOWN, this agreement is entered into on this day, __________ , 20___, between one fantastic, charismatic, and humble person, ______________ (hereinafter also referenced as "Friend #1"), and a generous, super cool, supporter-for-life __________________________ (hereinafter also referenced as "Friend #2").

Now, therefore, it is agreed as follows:

ARTICLE 1: BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER

§ 1.1 Friend #2 will be there for Friend #1 at all times including but not limited to: When it's raining outside and Friend #1 gets sad thinking about the little raindrops dying painfully as they hit the pavement, when it's not raining, and when it's one of those days where it's raining for a bit but then not raining for another bit.

§ 1.2 Friend #2 MUST support Friend #1's artistic endeavors, no matter how amateurish or unwise those endeavors are.

§ 1.2.1 If Friend #1 starts playing guitar, Friend #2 is required to issue frequent supportive statements such as: "Now we're grooving!" "You're making that thing talk, friend!" and "You sound even better than Blues Traveler!"

§ 1.3 If Friend #1 is going through a breakup, Friend #2 must break up with their own significant other so that both Friend #1 and Friend #2 can hit the town together looking for new love.

ARTICLE 2: HELPING EACH OTHER

§ 2.1 Whenever Friend #1 needs to move, Friend #2 will help.

§ 2.1.1 Excuses like, "My back is out," or "I just helped you move six weeks ago, please find a stable apartment," are not permissible.

§ 2.2 Friend #2 promises to come over anytime Friend #1 spots a large bug or medium-size shadow that might be a bug and needs help smushing it.

ARTICLE 3: RELATIONSHIP PREEMINENCE

§ 3.1 If Friend #1 introduces Friend #2 to a third friend, Friends #2 and #3 MAY NOT BECOME BETTER FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER than they are with Friend #1.

§ 3.2 Friend #2 is free to discuss the terms of this contract with anyone. However, Friend #2 is prohibited from introducing Friend #1 as, "The person from the contract" or "My friend who is all weird about being friends."

§ 3.2.1 Friend #1's preferred introduction is, "You wanted the best, you got the best! Ladies and gentlemen, Friend #1!"

ARTICLE 4: SPENDING TIME TOGETHER

§ 4.1 If Friend #2 is watching a sporting event, they must invite Friend #1.

§ 4.1.1 Friend #2 agrees to provide a selection of magazines for Friend #1 to read, since Friend #1 doesn't really like sports all that much.

§ 4.2 Friend #2 agrees with the statement, "It's just not a party if Friend #1 isn't there!" and so will hold ZERO (0) social gatherings without inviting Friend #1.

§ 4.2.1 Social gatherings include but are not limited to:

• Dinner parties
• Movie nights
• Lacrosse tournaments
• Bar trivia outings
• Shopping extravaganzas
• Ironic wax museum visits
• Sincere wax museum visits
• All group texts

§ 4.3 Friend #2 MUST attend Friend #1's guitar recital, even if the recital is being held at Friend #1's apartment and all of the performers are just Friend #1 and all of the songs are just Blues Traveler's Four in order.

ARTICLE 5: NONSTOP EMOTIONAL HONESTY

§ 5.1 Both parties agree that friendships can't be one-sided. Friendships must be based on mutual concern and loyalty. Therefore, if Friend #2 is being a jerk, you'd better believe Friend #1 is going to bring it up and throw it right back in Friend #2's face.

§ 5.1.1 And Friend #2 is going to sit there and take it, legally.

§ 5.2 After any fights, Friend #2 will apologize and reflect on how they hurt Friend #1.

ARTICLE 6: ENTERTAINMENT EQUALITY

§ 6.1 Friend #2 may not, under any circumstances, get ahead of Friend #1 in watching episodes of new Netflix shows. Even if Friend #1 is in a coma forever.

ARTICLE 7: TRYING NEW THINGS TOGETHER

§ 7.1 Friend #2 will share all news of cool new bands, restaurants, and books with Friend #1.

§ 7.1.1 At this point, Friend #2 and Friend #1 will enter a one (one) month-long "EXCLUSIVITY PERIOD" in which neither Friend #1 nor Friend #2 will share their cool finds with any other friends.

ARTICLE 8: INSIDE JOKES

§ 8.1 Friend #1 and Friend #2 will share a minimum of ten (10) inside jokes between them.

§ 8.1.1 If it is found that a third party did NOT have to "be there" to appreciate an inside joke, that joke will no longer count toward the minimum of ten (10) inside jokes.

ARTICLE 9: GIFT GIVING

§ 9.1 Friend #1 is looking for a new sous-vide cooker.

ARTICLE 10: PENALTIES AND SANCTIONS

§ 10.1 If Friend #2 is found to be in violation of any piece of this contract, that's OK—Friend #2 can just go ahead and destroy Friend #1's life, as if their friendship never meant anything at all. Friend #1 agrees to be sad forever and to never forgive Friend #2.

§ 10.2 Friend #1 will never play Blues Traveler's "Hook" on guitar ever again. It would be too painful.

I/We do hereby affirm and declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the Republic of the Philippines, the United States and the State of _____________, that this agreement has been entered into voluntarily, and without any threats, promises, duress and/or coercion of any type.

This agreement shall be enforced with the laws of the State of _______________.

Signed this ______________ day of _________________, 20__

____________________________________
Friend #1


_____________________________________
Friend #2


Witness:

______________________________________________________
The President of the United States or John Popper



{ NOTARY SEAL IF NECESSARY IN YOUR STATE }

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