Compromises for the Woman Who Refuses to Shave Her Pubes

Shaving and/or waxing your pubes increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections, specifically, Molluscum contagiosum (which I’m pretty sure is also a Harry Potter spell) according to a study done by a French health clinic. That sort of infection isn't really serious, though. It’s just an annoying bump or two or ten. It goes away after a while and doesn't scar, but think of it this way: if you're getting rid of your pubic hair for purely aesthetic reasons, doesn't having a bunch of gross bumps defeat the purpose?

The act of a woman removing all her pubic hair is, in my most likely correct opinion, just an effort to please men; men who consider the ideal sexual experience to be what they jerk off to when they watch porn. The “I want to come on your face, and tits, and back, and stomach all at once”-type guys.

The first time I had sex with a man in Los Angeles was uncomfortable. As soon as he saw my vagina, his eyes bulged wide open. He looked confused and a bit scared, like he just accidentally got a Gremlin wet. I'm pretty sure he whispered, “What the fuck?” He told me that he had never had sex with a woman who had her pubic hair. I immediately thought to myself, Alison you're not in Kansas in anymore, and by Kansas, I meant Oakland. At first I was shocked by his reaction. Then I remembered that LA is the most superficial city on Earth, on top of being the porn capital of the world. Women here succumbed to waxing the same way they succumbed to wearing those stupid tube-top-towel dresses back in the early 2000s.

I love my pubic hair. I don't ever want to get rid of it. I understand, however, that compromises need to be made. Not everyone can be as stubborn as me. If you absolutely hate removing your pubic hair but feel like you have to do it in order to please a sexual partner, then allow me to offer some creative alternatives that can make both you and your partner happy.

THE HALF SHAVE (A.K.A. "THE SKRILLEX")

This one is truly the best of both worlds. One half of you is bare, while the other half is left alone to grow wild and free and maybe even bless our gracious ears with overly agressive electronic dance music.

BALD SKIN CAP

They exist for heads, why not for genitalia? Get a bald cap custom fitted for your nether regions. Slip it on before getting down and dirty, then get to work. Your partner will never know your little secret. When finished, yank it off and go back to being your natural, bushy self.

THE MIRROR TRICK

Place a mirror on top of your bush. When having sex, all that your partner will see is a reflection of his or her genitals. When they go down on you, they'll get a good look at their own face and have an existential crisis, which will probably make them even hornier.

THE GI JOE (A.K.A "GROW IT, JOE")

This one is perfect because, as we all know, sex and violence go hand in hand. All you need to do for this one is place tiny toy soldiers in and around your hairy parts. Convince your partner that your genitalia is some sort of war memorial. If they still refuse to have sex with you, tell them that they're an unpatriotic commie riding a one-way ticket to hell.

@justaboutglad

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