Right, before we crack on dismantling South Africa's youngest DJ, a quick disclaimer. Obviously I'm not going to take shots at Arch Jr. He's three-years old. I'm not the sort of dickhead who picks on three-year-olds. Well maybe I did when I was three, and possibly when I was four, but I quickly realised aged five that it wasn't very flattering so quickly switched back to writing lengthy deconstructions of my peers at that age. To be clear, this short article isn't suggesting of either of the following things:
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- That DJ Arch Jr is faking it.
- That his father is maniac who is exploiting his small child son.
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Arch Jr didn't just get through. He was so spell-binding that DJ Fresh, one of the judges, hit the big gold button. The big gold button which means, of course, that Arch Jr was fast-tracked to the semi-finals. Confetti fell down and chaos reigned. Look at this still of the host reacting to the big gold button being pressed.A little later he swings to the camera and yells, "I am loving it."§The next time we heard from him was after the final, during which, you guessed it, he won South Africa's Got Talent. It's a massive achievement, and one he pulled off with another clinical, methodical set, full of the same weirdly soulless rhythms, staring vacantly into the distance. Which, by the way, is totally a thing: DJ Arch Jr never smiles.Then there's his actual DJing which—while yes impressive on the level that some three year olds can't concentrate on colouring in for more than five minutes—is essentially just a process of turning the reverb effect up and down over and over again. When he's not doing that, he does his other main trick, which is turning to face the back, and turning to face the front again. Like I say, I'm not going to take shots at a toddler, but if you drew a graph charting the mania that surrounds his performances against what he is actually doing, you may find the results alarming.§Yet stranger than the adoration for DJ Arch Jr, is the hate. Yes, the hate for DJ Arch Jr, South Africa's youngest DJ. These are genuine Youtube comments underneath his victorious final performance:
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1) In which DJ Arch Jr makes someone question the validity of the entire competition.
2) In which DJ Arch Jr makes someone question the entirety of DJ culture.
3) In which DJ Arch Jr makes someone question the entirety of South Africa.
Look how little they move. The panicked screams rise but nobody is dancing. Just screaming. Screaming in sheer horrible joy at this small child DJing. Standing in abject stillness, screaming.Then he does that thing where he turns to back, and then the front again, and they scream some more.And this is where we now are. The joke that has run and run and run, to the point where a three-year-old DJ is headlining a festival. Yet how can you sustain a joke when it ultimately still only has one punchline, and the punchline is this: he's a toddler, who DJs. That's it. DJ Arch Jr is playing on borrowed time. With every day that passes his gimmick edges closer to redundancy until, eventually, he will cease to be South Africa's youngest DJ, he will cease to give us life. He will just be a man.
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For now though, watch this video of DJ Arch Jr trying to do a u-turn in a car, like he's an adult.Thank you DJ Arch Jr.You give me life.Follow Angus on Twitter.