Is the Cult of That Three-Year-Old DJ Spiraling Out of Control?

Right, before we crack on dismantling South Africa's youngest DJ, a quick disclaimer. Obviously I'm not going to take shots at Arch Jr. He's three-years old. I'm not the sort of dickhead who picks on three-year-olds. Well maybe I did when I was three, and possibly when I was four, but I quickly realised aged five that it wasn't very flattering so quickly switched back to writing lengthy deconstructions of my peers at that age. To be clear, this short article isn't suggesting of either of the following things:

• That DJ Arch Jr is faking it.
• That his father is maniac who is exploiting his small child son.

No. I don't doubt for a second that DJ Arch Jr is genuinely DJing when he does it. I'm also not convinced his father is a horrible tyrant hell-bent on squeezing as much glory and cash out of his child's moment in the limelight as he can, in attempt to pay off a series of increasingly monumental debts. Instead, this piece asks one solitary, simple question:

How long can this go on, DJ Arch Jr? How long?

§

I think we can all remember where we were when we first heard about DJ Arch Jr. Whether you stumbled across the video on your Facebook timeline, or your mum sent it to you in an email, it's hard to imagine you saw anything more delightful that day than the image of a small, two-year-old boy DJing.

It is delightful. Sort of. Look at it:

I assumed, naively I realise now, that that was that. That DJ Arch Jr would go the way of the Drummond Puddle, or perhaps Channing Tatum saying "my name is Jeff," and pass from our collective memories as quickly as he had entered. But DJ Arch Jr had other ideas. Ever the ruthless careerist, he had his sights set on the big time. He re-emerged again in the internet funny-video-sphere in October 2015, when he auditioned for South Africa's Got Talent.

It was during this audition that we got some more backstory about Arch Jr, South Africa's youngest DJ. How he started DJing when he was one, how he learnt on his father's DJing equipment, how much he loves music. At some point though, the talking has to stop, and the music has to take over. From the second Arch Jr plays the first beat, and makes his first couple of tweaks, you begin to get a sense for the level of hysteria that he will inspire. People start to scream. That's right, scream. And it's not that "woooo" sort of scream you might do as you jump into a swimming pool on the first day of your summer holiday. It's not even the surprised, joyous scream you might let out when you find out your best mate is expecting a baby. No, it's a dark, guttural scream. You know when you see footage of teenage girls screaming at the Beatles, and you think—you look scared. You look scared by just how much you love the Beatles. That's how they react when they see DJ Arch Jr djing. He is making them so happy, giving them so much life, they look scared.

Arch Jr didn't just get through. He was so spell-binding that DJ Fresh, one of the judges, hit the big gold button. The big gold button which means, of course, that Arch Jr was fast-tracked to the semi-finals. Confetti fell down and chaos reigned. Look at this still of the host reacting to the big gold button being pressed.

A little later he swings to the camera and yells, "I am loving it."

§

The next time we heard from him was after the final, during which, you guessed it, he won South Africa's Got Talent. It's a massive achievement, and one he pulled off with another clinical, methodical set, full of the same weirdly soulless rhythms, staring vacantly into the distance. Which, by the way, is totally a thing: DJ Arch Jr never smiles.

Then there's his actual DJing which—while yes impressive on the level that some three year olds can't concentrate on colouring in for more than five minutes—is essentially just a process of turning the reverb effect up and down over and over again. When he's not doing that, he does his other main trick, which is turning to face the back, and turning to face the front again. Like I say, I'm not going to take shots at a toddler, but if you drew a graph charting the mania that surrounds his performances against what he is actually doing, you may find the results alarming.

§

Yet stranger than the adoration for DJ Arch Jr, is the hate. Yes, the hate for DJ Arch Jr, South Africa's youngest DJ. These are genuine Youtube comments underneath his victorious final performance:

So, it seems, there exist three types of people. People who watch DJ Arch Jr djing and love life as result; people who watch DJ Arch Jr djing and question/hate life as a result; and people who have yet to watch a video of DJ Arch Jr djing.

We most recently reported on DJ Arch Jr last week, following the announcement that he had been announced on the lineup for a South African 'Back to the Old Skool' festival alongside Todd Terry, David Morales, and Black Coffee. At first we laughed and threw our hands to the heavens with joy! "DJ Arch Jr giving us life again! Back to the old skool? But he's not even in school!" But before you get too excited, this is what DJ Arch Jr playing a festival looks like:

Look how little they move. The panicked screams rise but nobody is dancing. Just screaming. Screaming in sheer horrible joy at this small child DJing. Standing in abject stillness, screaming.

Then he does that thing where he turns to back, and then the front again, and they scream some more.

And this is where we now are. The joke that has run and run and run, to the point where a three-year-old DJ is headlining a festival. Yet how can you sustain a joke when it ultimately still only has one punchline, and the punchline is this: he's a toddler, who DJs. That's it. DJ Arch Jr is playing on borrowed time. With every day that passes his gimmick edges closer to redundancy until, eventually, he will cease to be South Africa's youngest DJ, he will cease to give us life. He will just be a man.

For now though, watch this video of DJ Arch Jr trying to do a u-turn in a car, like he's an adult.

Thank you DJ Arch Jr.

You give me life.

Follow Angus on Twitter.